when it rains it pours [R]

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

when it rains it pours

 

Someday I would like to

touch the heart of earth.

 

Someday I would like a lover

to be passionate with me.

 

I like honesty and sincerity

in my companion

torwards me.

 

Here in the dark '

I know myself.

 

Sometimes love is overated.

And sometimes

it is pure and genuine.

 

But, what happens

when tradegy strikes?

 

My lover certainly

didn't give a damn.

 

I sucked her tits,

kissed her on her lips,

and fucked her brains out.

 

But it wasn't

good enough

for her.

 

I had money

an promised

her a condo

on the beach.

 

She certainly looked good

in a bathing suit

and naked

with her white flesh.

 

God what was I thinking.

I guess the memory of a good lay

wasn't good enough for her.

She left me for another man.

Edited July 21, 2010 by tonyv

[tonyv]

I like the poem's logical progression, Victor. I can sense the speaker's disenchantment. I mean, whose bubble wouldn't be burst after this:

 

But, what happens

when tradegy strike?

 

My lover certainly

didn't give a damn ....

 

I sucked her tits,

kissed her on her lips,

and even fucked her brains out.

 

But it wasn't

good enough

for her.

 

I had money

an promised

her a condo

on the beach.

Nothing's good enough for those beatches! @ Or is it "beaches"? :)) I feel for you, bro ... Good to see you writing and posting again.

 

Tony

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

tony,

 

thanks or commenting. i was at a point considering whether or not to leave out the verse with cursing in it but the continuity of the poem just didn't fit right without that verse.

 

as for retrobution she won beause she lives in a home with four beautiful children in a mundane maiage. does this guy love her. he is probably her soul mate.

 

i love her as a friend but i don't lo0ve her as a lover anymore. where did the magic go. maybe there was no majic to begin with. she just happened to realize it beore i

 

maybe i lusted after her body. only god could answer that.

 

victor

Edited June 14, 2010 by Larsen M. Callirhoe

[waxwings]

I have come back to this more than once. Where is the swearing? Certainly, there is nothing outright indecent, crude or obscene, nothing to intrude on a reader's sense of impropriety, except those who reject the idiomatic "..her brains out." Wouldn't a warning not be enough that there is frank treatment of a sexual experience? Many accomplished poets have done that and worse.

 

I see this poem as a genuine and expectable reaction to what you, victor, have gone through. I have a few quibbles, not very serious.

 

Capitalizing Lover And Love is important to you, but your readers, in spite of sympathizing may find it odd that their import is universaly significant. Your "story" is already significant without. I believe that it is right to spell "strikes" in L14, and I would consider omitting "even" in L19, be cause it hints of braggadocio, whereas the rest of expression is something that represents a simpler unvarnished idea.

 

I hope these few quibbles are not entirely out of reason, and believe your poem is impressive without any extras.

Edited June 22, 2010 by waxwings

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

thanks waxwings for the pointing out of details in my poem. much appreciated. the word strike(s) i can't believed i missed that typo/ an error in word perfect writting program that i use. as for the capitalization of the first letter in the words (_love, lover) i wanted to emphasize those words tho the capitalization is really not needed as for the word even i have been told by others several times in the past to omit it in previous poems. as for you taking the time to go thru this i thank you from the bottom of my appreciation.

 

victor

[waxwings]

thanks waxwings for the pointing out of details in my poem. much appreciated. the word strike(s) i can't believed i missed that typo/ an error in word perfect writting program that i use. as for the capitalization of the first letter in the words (_love, lover) i wanted to emphasize those words tho the capitalization is really not needed as for the word even i have been told by others several times in the past to omit it in previous poems. as for you taking the time to go thru this i thank you from the bottom of my appreciation.

 

victor

 

I fully appreciate your desire to emphasize LOVER and LOVE, victor, but I have heard it said many times that those words are strong and important in themselves. I do know that there are cases where others and I myself feel like giving them extra weight, and there can be context that justifies that. Here the poem is truly strong enough and concise enough to do without dpecial attempts, i.e., those used by an author not all that sure of the poem's goodness.

 

Of course, we cannot escape typos, not when we write when driven by strong emotion.

 

Many thanks for responding honestly. I hope you chrck all my poems for those small lapses of literacy and good use of our language.