badger11 Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 (edited) the wetness beneath her eyes salts his thirst, that he may be apart from her and so dry- love balloons his gut with a swollen Bukowski sigh. Edited June 25, 2010 by badger11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 This poem is compact, all muscle. I can sense the tension; it really packs a punch. But Badge, what's this fine poem doing in the overflow showcase? I'd love to see it in the main member poetry showcase. Is it okay if I move it there? Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 This poem is compact, all muscle. I can sense the tension; it really packs a punch. But Badge, what's this fine poem doing in the overflow showcase? I'd love to see it in the main member poetry showcase. Is it okay if I move it there? Tony Of course, you can Tony. I didn't want to overload the main forum with another recent effort. Thanks for the thumbs up as well. I wasn't sure if this one worked. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Works and works well! A fitting reflection of the bucolic bard Bukowski! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 Works and works well! A fitting reflection of the bucolic bard Bukowski! DC&J Thanks DC. Some influence from you here since I've been reading Creeley. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 I like to keep my e's and i's/eyes open when I'm slowly, slowly knocking them back. You should do the same. What came over you, hey, don't see the reason behind it: it adds nothing and just looks ... flash. You need vowels. What you don't need is adjectives and adverbs. Could be you're starting to see the need to slash and burn ... but these innocent little vowels are NOT the problem. Don't get angry. All right, OK, get angry, if you like. The main thing is to work out the technical problems, buck up and get better. Otherwise, what's the point? Siochán leat, ... 5.5 vowels ( a double 'a') D. Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 I like to keep my e's and i's/eyes open when I'm slowly, slowly knocking them back. You should do the same. What came over you, hey, don't see the reason behind it: it adds nothing and just looks ... flash. You need vowels. What you don't need is adjectives and adverbs. Could be you're starting to see the need to slash and burn ... but these innocent little vowels are NOT the problem. Don't get angry. All right, OK, get angry, if you like. The main thing is to work out the technical problems, buck up and get better. Otherwise, what's the point? Siochán leat, ... 5.5 vowels ( a double 'a') D. I essentially agree Bren., it was a style made in the 1950's, but it did provoke a response and that's interesting. cheers badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) the wetnessbeneath hr eyes salts hs thirst, that he may be apart from hr and so dry love balloons hs gut with a swollen Bukowski sigh Unless one is a dyed in the wool afficianado of Bukowski, which I am not, the reference to him, esp. his sighs, swollen to boot, makes no impact comparable to what the lines preceding do. I agree w/Brendan re missing vowels, although you could have, for consistency, used just "h" insteas of "he". :icon_eek: I cannot buy poems not needing adjectives and adverbs, although being profligate with them is not the best (and you cannot be accused of that). In my book, as in those of many other contemporaries, nouns are more desirable than other parts of speech, and w/o a sufficient amount of verbs a poem is said to be static, no matter how much 'poetry' there may be in them otherwise. The conclusion may be that nouns w/o some well chosen and appropriate adjectives and verbs, w/o ditto in adverbs, may turn out to be dry and insipid. To argue that a poem has to be bereft of any of the normal parts of speech or phraseology is to insist that prosy narrarives lacking color make poetry. Edited June 18, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Share Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) Thanks ww. Insightful comments as always. all the best badge Edited June 17, 2010 by badger11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hi badge, Not trying to be offensive or anything like that (as you know) -- just an off-the-cuff response: eep e owels, rop e onsonants? Cheers, pal ;) Bren Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hi badge, Not trying to be offensive or anything like that (as you know) -- just an off-the-cuff response: eep e owels, rop e onsonants? Cheers, pal ;) Bren :icon_cool: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 (edited) Hi badger, I agree this is a compact poem. When I read hr and hs, I was expecting h as what ww said. Reminds me of dr_con's he sd, I sd... I only read one poem from Bukowski "so you want to be a writer? " So I couldn't draw anything from the name's reference. I know it is my fault not the writer's. Bukowsky is a controversial writer, so is the use of hr and hs, I guess. All the best, Lake Edited June 25, 2010 by Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks Lake. There are so many writers, poets, styles and the more I read the more I realise there's no need to be stifled. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 what a thirst quenching poem. this was enjoyable read. victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 what a thirst quenching poem. this was enjoyable read. victor Thank you vic. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 Badge, this poem flows so well in my mind, and this is why I love poetry, because of poems like this one. I loved the S1 and the last part - swollen Bukowski sigh, shows this poem as a profound creation. I like Bukowski, especially I like when he writes: as the poems go into the thousands yourealize that you've created very little. As the Poems Go - Charles Bukowski Your poem is wonderful, Badge. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Share Posted July 16, 2010 Badge, this poem flows so well in my mind, and this is why I love poetry, because of poems like this one. I loved the S1 and the last part - swollen Bukowski sigh, shows this poem as a profound creation. I like Bukowski, especially I like when he writes: as the poems go into the thousands yourealize that you've created very little. As the Poems Go - Charles Bukowski Your poem is wonderful, Badge. Aleksandra A lovely response Aleks. Made the effort of the write all the more worthwhile. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fader Posted July 17, 2010 Share Posted July 17, 2010 badger this is different for you. I like that! Nice to see you spreading your wings. The bukowski reference in this is fine and doesn't confuse the reader at all. What you are saying here is quite obvious and easily relatable to the reader. Well done! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 17, 2010 Author Share Posted July 17, 2010 thanks Fader. A bit of an experiment so pleased it worked for you! badge :icon_cool: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rumisong Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 google was just looking at this today, and so I took that as a sign, and decided to peek in and see too- and the thread is not too that-old wow, I really like this yes, and "bukowski sigh" is perfect for the finish glad I saw it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Share Posted October 4, 2010 google was just looking at this today, and so I took that as a sign, and decided to peek in and see too- and the thread is not too that-old wow, I really like this yes, and "bukowski sigh" is perfect for the finish glad I saw it thanks for resurrecting Rumi, pleased the finish worked for you! cheers badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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