beer

[badger11]

the wetness

beneath her eyes

salts his thirst,

 

that he may be

apart from her

and so dry-

 

love

 

balloons his gut

with a swollen

Bukowski sigh.

Edited June 25, 2010 by badger11

[tonyv]

This poem is compact, all muscle. I can sense the tension; it really packs a punch.

 

But Badge, what's this fine poem doing in the overflow showcase? I'd love to see it in the main member poetry showcase. Is it okay if I move it there?

 

Tony

[badger11]

This poem is compact, all muscle. I can sense the tension; it really packs a punch.

 

But Badge, what's this fine poem doing in the overflow showcase? I'd love to see it in the main member poetry showcase. Is it okay if I move it there?

 

Tony

 

Of course, you can Tony. I didn't want to overload the main forum with another recent effort. Thanks for the thumbs up as well. I wasn't sure if this one worked.

 

badge

[dr_con]

Works and works well! A fitting reflection of the bucolic bard Bukowski!

 

DC&J

[badger11]

Works and works well! A fitting reflection of the bucolic bard Bukowski!

 

DC&J

 

 

Thanks DC. Some influence from you here since I've been reading Creeley.

 

badge

[dedalus]

I like to keep my e's and i's/eyes open when I'm slowly, slowly knocking them back. You should do the same. What came over you, hey, don't see the reason behind it: it adds nothing and just looks ... flash. You need vowels. What you don't need is adjectives and adverbs. Could be you're starting to see the need to slash and burn ... but these innocent little vowels are NOT the problem. Don't get angry. All right, OK, get angry, if you like. The main thing is to work out the technical problems, buck up and get better. Otherwise, what's the point?

 

Siochán leat, ... 5.5 vowels ( a double 'a')

D.

[badger11]

I like to keep my e's and i's/eyes open when I'm slowly, slowly knocking them back. You should do the same. What came over you, hey, don't see the reason behind it: it adds nothing and just looks ... flash. You need vowels. What you don't need is adjectives and adverbs. Could be you're starting to see the need to slash and burn ... but these innocent little vowels are NOT the problem. Don't get angry. All right, OK, get angry, if you like. The main thing is to work out the technical problems, buck up and get better. Otherwise, what's the point?

 

Siochán leat, ... 5.5 vowels ( a double 'a')

D.

 

I essentially agree Bren., it was a style made in the 1950's, but it did provoke a response and that's interesting.

 

cheers

 

badge

[waxwings]

the wetness

beneath hr eyes

salts hs thirst,

 

that he may be

apart from hr

and so dry

 

love

 

balloons hs gut

with a swollen

Bukowski sigh

 

Unless one is a dyed in the wool afficianado of Bukowski, which I am not, the reference to him, esp. his sighs, swollen to boot, makes no impact comparable to what the lines preceding do.

 

I agree w/Brendan re missing vowels, although you could have, for consistency, used just "h" insteas of "he". :icon_eek:

 

I cannot buy poems not needing adjectives and adverbs, although being profligate with them is not the best (and you cannot be accused of that). In my book, as in those of many other contemporaries, nouns are more desirable than other parts of speech, and w/o a sufficient amount of verbs a poem is said to be static, no matter how much 'poetry' there may be in them otherwise.

 

The conclusion may be that nouns w/o some well chosen and appropriate adjectives and verbs, w/o ditto in adverbs, may turn out to be dry and insipid. To argue that a poem has to be bereft of any of the normal parts of speech or phraseology is to insist that prosy narrarives lacking color make poetry.

Edited June 18, 2010 by waxwings

[badger11]

Thanks ww. Insightful comments as always.

 

all the best

 

badge

Edited June 17, 2010 by badger11

[dedalus]

Hi badge,

 

Not trying to be offensive or anything like that (as you know) -- just an off-the-cuff response: eep e owels, rop e onsonants?

 

Cheers, pal ;)

Bren

[badger11]

Hi badge,

 

Not trying to be offensive or anything like that (as you know) -- just an off-the-cuff response: eep e owels, rop e onsonants?

 

Cheers, pal ;)

Bren

 

 

:icon_cool:

[Lake]

Hi badger,

 

I agree this is a compact poem.

When I read hr and hs, I was expecting h as what ww said. Reminds me of dr_con's he sd, I sd...

I only read one poem from Bukowski "so you want to be a writer? "

So I couldn't draw anything from the name's reference. I know it is my fault not the writer's.

Bukowsky is a controversial writer, so is the use of hr and hs, I guess.

 

All the best,

 

Lake

Edited June 25, 2010 by Lake

[badger11]

Thanks Lake. There are so many writers, poets, styles and the more I read the more I realise there's no need to be stifled.

 

badge

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

what a thirst quenching poem. this was enjoyable read.

 

victor

[badger11]

what a thirst quenching poem. this was enjoyable read.

 

victor

 

Thank you vic.

 

badge

[Aleksandra]

Badge, this poem flows so well in my mind, and this is why I love poetry, because of poems like this one. I loved the S1 and the last part - swollen Bukowski sigh, shows this poem as a profound creation. I like Bukowski, especially I like when he writes:

 

as the poems go into the thousands you

realize that you've created very

little.

^{As the Poems Go - Charles Bukowski}

Your poem is wonderful, Badge.

 

Aleksandra

[badger11]

Badge, this poem flows so well in my mind, and this is why I love poetry, because of poems like this one. I loved the S1 and the last part - swollen Bukowski sigh, shows this poem as a profound creation. I like Bukowski, especially I like when he writes:

 

as the poems go into the thousands you

realize that you've created very

little.

^{As the Poems Go - Charles Bukowski}

Your poem is wonderful, Badge.

 

Aleksandra

 

A lovely response Aleks. Made the effort of the write all the more worthwhile.

 

badge

[fader]

badger this is different for you. I like that! Nice to see you spreading your wings. The bukowski reference in this is fine and doesn't confuse the reader at all. What you are saying here is quite obvious and easily relatable to the reader. Well done!

[badger11]

thanks Fader. A bit of an experiment so pleased it worked for you!

 

badge :icon_cool:

[rumisong]

google was just looking at this today, and so I took that as a sign, and decided to peek in and see too- and the thread is not too that-old

 

wow, I really like this

 

yes, and "bukowski sigh" is perfect for the finish

 

glad I saw it

[badger11]

google was just looking at this today, and so I took that as a sign, and decided to peek in and see too- and the thread is not too that-old

 

wow, I really like this

 

yes, and "bukowski sigh" is perfect for the finish

 

glad I saw it

 

thanks for resurrecting Rumi, pleased the finish worked for you!

 

cheers

 

badge