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Succubus (adult content warning)


fader
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Dreams conceptions, cruel reflections

Wavering to and fro

Till I can't see where truth may be

Though you whisper it's so

 

Beautiful sight, promised delight

Makes my desire grow

The softest touch ignites my lust

What sorrows will we sow

 

You take my seed to quench your need

Each stroke, the more you glow

Till I've expired from desire

Last thrust, your final blow

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The subject is hardly shocking nor should offend educated grownups. But the treatment dissapoints slightly. Instead of letting the poem relate the emotional side of the experience you weaken it by telling us, via the title, all that the poem should tell.

 

Many poets have used more literarily polished language instead of merely reporting mechanistic details whereas we should find empathy with your dilemma by reading the poem. S1 and S2 are fine but S3 might be recast some, in a more artful fashion.

 

All that being said, this is a promising and differenr expression for one of life's magnificant follies. We need more from you like the last line of S2.

 

As far as I know though, a succubus does not require the posessed mans interest nor willing participation, him being asleep, more like having a nightmare.

Edited by waxwings
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Larsen M. Callirhoe

this is very enjoyable fader. i will get back to this one. i need to check the definition of succubus to see if the title does indeed corrolate and relate to stanza three.

 

 

definition:

 

A succubus (plural succubi) is a female demonic legendary creature[1] who seduces men in their sleep. Religious tradition holds that repeated intercourse with an incubus or succubus may result in the deterioration of health, or even death. She often visits monks. Its male counterpart is the incubus.

 

Similar to a vampire, succubi draw energy from men to sustain themselves. In the past succubi were depicted as frightening and demonic,[2] usually with wings and a tail. Sometimes the wings are that of a bat or a bird. The tail takes various shapes, sometimes that of a snake or an aquatic tail like that of a mermaid.

 

In modern times, a succubus may appear in dreams and is often portrayed as a highly attractive seductress or enchantress.

 

 

:

 

fader the poem is well written. as for the topic header this is a adult them but it would frighten children. i had heard incubus never thinking their ould be a female counterpart. makes me think it is offspring of lilith's desires another gothic entity. thanks for making me focus on a worthy poem my friend.

 

victor

Edited by Larsen M. Callirhoe

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Ikars, I have asked that members refrain from posting workshop type critiques in the Member Poetry forum. In THIS topic, I asked that members limit such replies to poems posted in the workshop or poems which contain "CA" in the title line. As this poem is neither in the workshop nor does it contain "CA" in the title line, out of the following comment --

 

The subject is hardly shocking nor should offend educated grownups. But the treatment dissapoints slightly. Instead of letting the poem relate the emotional side of the experience you weaken it by telling us, via the title, all that the poem should tell.

 

Many poets have used more literarily polished language instead of merely reporting mechanistic details whereas we should find empathy with your dilemma by reading the poem. S1 and S2 are fine but S3 might be recast some, in a more artful fashion.

 

All that being said, this is a promising and differenr expression for one of life's magnificant follies. We need more from you like the last line of S2.

 

As far as I know though, a succubus does not require the posessed mans interest nor willing participation, him being asleep, more like having a nightmare.

-- the following lines are deemed appropriate for the Member Poetry forum:

 

The subject is hardly shocking nor should offend educated grownups ... As far as I know though, a succubus does not require the posessed mans interest nor willing participation, him being asleep, more like having a nightmare.

I will copy this post to you in a pm in case you don't see it here.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Such corruption my poetic friend! I've commented elsewhere, but it's a warning/warming worth repeating :-8)

 

badge

 

 

Hey badge you have to watch out for some of them ladies these days. :))

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The subject is hardly shocking nor should offend educated grownups. But the treatment dissapoints slightly. Instead of letting the poem relate the emotional side of the experience you weaken it by telling us, via the title, all that the poem should tell.

 

Many poets have used more literarily polished language instead of merely reporting mechanistic details whereas we should find empathy with your dilemma by reading the poem. S1 and S2 are fine but S3 might be recast some, in a more artful fashion.

 

All that being said, this is a promising and differenr expression for one of life's magnificant follies. We need more from you like the last line of S2.

 

As far as I know though, a succubus does not require the posessed mans interest nor willing participation, him being asleep, more like having a nightmare.

 

Its not the grownups I am concerned with. Its the younger poets that peruse these forums.

 

I think the title may have been taken a little to literally, as it is more of a metaphor for the modern day ladies who like to bleed the guys dry. Both financially and physically. Hence the fornicating them to death. :))

 

As for the technical part you have pointed out I thank you and will definitely ponder on them.

 

Thanks for taking the time to give my poem such attention and thought. Its appreciated!

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this is very enjoyable fader. i will get back to this one. i need to check the definition of succubus to see if the title does indeed corrolate and relate to stanza three.

 

 

definition:

 

A succubus (plural succubi) is a female demonic legendary creature[1] who seduces men in their sleep. Religious tradition holds that repeated intercourse with an incubus or succubus may result in the deterioration of health, or even death. She often visits monks. Its male counterpart is the incubus.

 

Similar to a vampire, succubi draw energy from men to sustain themselves. In the past succubi were depicted as frightening and demonic,[2] usually with wings and a tail. Sometimes the wings are that of a bat or a bird. The tail takes various shapes, sometimes that of a snake or an aquatic tail like that of a mermaid.

 

In modern times, a succubus may appear in dreams and is often portrayed as a highly attractive seductress or enchantress.

 

 

:

 

fader the poem is well written. as for the topic header this is a adult them but it would frighten children. i had heard incubus never thinking their ould be a female counterpart. makes me think it is offspring of lilith's desires another gothic entity. thanks for making me focus on a worthy poem my friend.

 

victor

 

Hey victor. I was most concerned with the graphic sexuality in the poem.

 

I took the succubus theme and imployed it in a modern setting as a metaphor for some ladies these days. :))

 

Thanks for taking the time to understand my poem!

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Fader,

 

Good to see you again... A warm and biting re-introduction- loved the metaphor- a really fun and satisfying piece...

 

 

Many Thanks!

 

DC&J

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

Gate(less.png

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this is very enjoyable fader. i will get back to this one. i need to check the definition of succubus to see if the title does indeed corrolate and relate to stanza three.

 

 

definition:

 

A succubus (plural succubi) is a female demonic legendary creature[1] who seduces men in their sleep. Religious tradition holds that repeated intercourse with an incubus or succubus may result in the deterioration of health, or even death. She often visits monks. Its male counterpart is the incubus.

 

Similar to a vampire, succubi draw energy from men to sustain themselves. In the past succubi were depicted as frightening and demonic,[2] usually with wings and a tail. Sometimes the wings are that of a bat or a bird. The tail takes various shapes, sometimes that of a snake or an aquatic tail like that of a mermaid.

 

In modern times, a succubus may appear in dreams and is often portrayed as a highly attractive seductress or enchantress.

 

 

:

 

fader the poem is well written. as for the topic header this is a adult them but it would frighten children. i had heard incubus never thinking their ould be a female counterpart. makes me think it is offspring of lilith's desires another gothic entity. thanks for making me focus on a worthy poem my friend.

 

victor

 

Hey victor. I was most concerned with the graphic sexuality in the poem.

 

I took the succubus theme and imployed it in a modern setting as a metaphor for some ladies these days. :))

 

Thanks for taking the time to understand my poem!

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Fader,

 

Good to see you again... A warm and biting re-introduction- loved the metaphor- a really fun and satisfying piece...

 

 

Many Thanks!

 

DC&J

 

Thanks dr. Just trying to write again.

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Fader, at first I must tell you how I'm glad to see you around and to read your work. I missed your name on this board. I like this poem. It's well crafted and you are playing good with metaphors. I look for more poems by you.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Frank E Gibbard

Hi fade, good reading short and very effective - black widow spiderish. Frank

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Fader, at first I must tell you how I'm glad to see you around and to read your work. I missed your name on this board. I like this poem. It's well crafted and you are playing good with metaphors. I look for more poems by you.

 

Aleksandra

 

 

Thanks Aledsandra. :) Its nice to feel the urge again. Haven't written much for awhile now.

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Hi fade, good reading short and very effective - black widow spiderish. Frank

 

Thanks frank. Those ladies are dangerous but also fun sometimes! LOL

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Nice to see you again, Fader. I've seen this poem before and liked it. Always liked the succubus :rolleyes: ... It's that pesky inky-bus that we have to watch out for! :rolleyes:

 

Tony :)

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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