Rapacious

[RHommel]

Rapacious

 

Tossed candy wrappers

on the ground for all to see,

he is not careful.

His love is all consuming;

there is nothing left to eat.

 

~Rachel Hommel

[Aleksandra]

Welcome, Rachel. I saw all your work all over the board and I am impressed by your enthusiasm. I am glad you like and enjoy our board.

 

I like your fresh style of writing and your metaphors that comes out from your simple verses. Thank you for your energetic participation.

 

Aleksandra

[dr_con]

Brief, to the point and a wonderfully illustrative example of rapacious- enjoyed thoroughly- it provided an early morning smile;-)

 

 

DC&J

[badger11]

The detached delivery allows the poem to suggest other narratives for this 'rapacious' personality.

 

interesting

 

badge.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

made me smile.men are like that lol. then again women men think they figure them out then bam there goes their shannagins lol.

 

interesting and enjoyed.

 

victor

[tonyv]

Rachel, this tanka complements "Rotten to the Core" perfectly. Tantalizing and fresh, it's the sequel with an equal in the World Poetry forum.

 

Tony :)

[waxwings]

Rapacious

 

Tossed candy wrappers

on the ground for all to see,

he is not careful.

His love is all consuming;

there is nothing left to eat.

 

~Rachel Hommel

 

Sweet poem. I enjoy the unusual metrics because they make me feel comfortable while reading. The syllable-per-line count fits a tanka, but, traditionally, a tanka celebrates an event and shuns wraparound lines. However, American Tanka publishes tankas w/ concise lines that still flow together like these do.

 

Seems a comma is needed after L1 to pay homage to a missing non-crucial extension of the passive predicate, i.e., "wrappers are (or lie) there on...", the lengthening of the pause emphasizing the two aspects (I like that).

 

The comma after L2 is 'illegal'. Though it could stand for a non-essential "that", it does separates the verb from its object, a clause telling what is there to see.

 

And I would replace the semicolon with some other mark for its normal use is to join independent sentences where the trailing one amplifies the previous, whereas here the trailer is a recasting with punch what the first one has already said.

 

You can ignore these, but I think it supports poetic brevity emphasizing more strongly the points the poem makes.

 

tony is going to have my hide for the extensive commentary not usually alowed in this section. :icon_redface:

Edited August 7, 2010 by waxwings

[RHommel]

tony is going to have my hide for the extensive commentary not usually alowed in this section. :icon_redface:

 

 

Meh. Tony has more than likely given up on you by now... but I'll let him speak to that. ;)

 

As for the punctuation/grammar lessons, they are actually much appreciated. I'm not sure I'll use all of your suggestions, but I'm sure I'll use some of them, and I'll certainly take them all into consideration. It's good to know that these poems, which I originally thought were tankas, fit somewhat into some form. I'm a big rule follower (as evidenced in my cadae over in the post about mathematical verse that Tinker so kindly posted when I first arrived here), but I can only follow the rules I know, so I like learning new ones. :)

 

Thanks again!

~Rachel

[goldenlangur]

Hi Rachel,

 

In just a few lines you create a portrayal that makes a huge impact.

 

 

For what my copper's worth, I think your poem has the makings of a tanka in the way you've managed to get a regular rhythm and beat in each of the five lines. The tanka and haiku don't usually use rhymes but rhythm is crucial to both thse forms and writing in English, it is quite a challenge to get this right. You've managed superbly.

 

To make it more of a tanka, which like the sonnet has its origins as a song, perhaps consider a more personal motif and tone. The tanka allows for feeling, lyrical detail and a personal focus.

 

If I may share with you a favourite tanka of mine written by the Japanese poet Saito Mokichi (1882 - 1953)

 

the yolk

of a chicken egg

crumbling out of shape

this wretchedness I feel

during the long seasonal rain

 

 

I look forward to reading more of your tanka :)

[tonyv]

tony is going to have my hide for the extensive commentary not usually alowed in this section. :icon_redface:

 

 

Meh. Tony has more than likely given up on you by now... but I'll let him speak to that. ;)

 

As for the punctuation/grammar lessons, they are actually much appreciated. I'm not sure I'll use all of your suggestions, but I'm sure I'll use some of them, and I'll certainly take them all into consideration. It's good to know that these poems, which I originally thought were tankas, fit somewhat into some form. I'm a big rule follower (as evidenced in my cadae over in the post about mathematical verse that Tinker so kindly posted when I first arrived here), but I can only follow the rules I know, so I like learning new ones. :)

 

Thanks again!

~Rachel

:)) I made a relevant reply in the "TARHEELS" topic (post #6). I'm not so sure we can control him, Rachel; we can only hope to contain him! Sometimes we just gotta get him to simmer down a bit. :icon_razz: Okay, you two ... :party on:

 

Tony

[waxwings]

tony is going to have my hide for the extensive commentary not usually alowed in this section. :icon_redface:

 

 

Meh. Tony has more than likely given up on you by now... but I'll let him speak to that. ;)

 

As for the punctuation/grammar lessons, they are actually much appreciated. I'm not sure I'll use all of your suggestions, but I'm sure I'll use some of them, and I'll certainly take them all into consideration. It's good to know that these poems, which I originally thought were tankas, fit somewhat into some form. I'm a big rule follower (as evidenced in my cadae over in the post about mathematical verse that Tinker so kindly posted when I first arrived here), but I can only follow the rules I know, so I like learning new ones. :)

 

Thanks again!

~Rachel

:)) I made a relevant reply in the "TARHEELS" topic (post #6). I'm not so sure we can control him, Rachel; we can only hope to contain him! Sometimes we just gotta get him to simmer down a bit. :icon_razz: Okay, you two ... :party on:

 

Tony

 

To hear is to obey?!

[RHommel]

Hi Rachel,

 

In just a few lines you create a portrayal that makes a huge impact.

 

 

For what my copper's worth, I think your poem has the makings of a tanka in the way you've managed to get a regular rhythm and beat in each of the five lines. The tanka and haiku don't usually use rhymes but rhythm is crucial to both thse forms and writing in English, it is quite a challenge to get this right. You've managed superbly.

 

To make it more of a tanka, which like the sonnet has its origins as a song, perhaps consider a more personal motif and tone. The tanka allows for feeling, lyrical detail and a personal focus.

 

If I may share with you a favourite tanka of mine written by the Japanese poet Saito Mokichi (1882 - 1953)

 

the yolk

of a chicken egg

crumbling out of shape

this wretchedness I feel

during the long seasonal rain

 

 

I look forward to reading more of your tanka :)

 

Hi goldenlangur,

 

What lovely compliments! And thank you for the suggestions. I will certainly be attempting a new set of tanka with this in mind. I am really enjoying getting to know your work and your critique, both. Thank you.

 

~Rachel