Our Time

[tonyv]

She talks about her days:
the meetings at the bank
went well. I smile. I drink
her mouth and alive eyes.

Upward the blithe moon creeps;
the constellations drift
westward. Our bodies shift.
I keep her while she sleeps.

[JoelJosol]

I love the mood of this poem and the sadness in the quality of life of the people in it. The ending drives home the message.

 

I just find "drink" as incompatible with the diction standing alone like that unsupported in the rest of the poem. Otherwise, another good melancholy poem from you Tony.

[goldenlangur]

Hi Tony,

 

 

There's such delicacy in this poem - the hurly burly of the day ( she talks about her day) slowly giving way to an intense moment of closeness. You combine sensuousness with tenderness of tone and the details of the moon (blithe - great effect) and the "constellation" lends a sense of intimacy and contentment:

 

tonyv wrote:

Upward the blithe moon creeps,

while constellations drift

westward. Her body shifts.

I keep her while she sleeps.

 

My only tiny quibble is I wondered if you would name the "constellations" - this would ground the poem in your world and the preciousness of time, you evoke would be enhanced by this detail.

 

But as ever, this is only a suggestion for you to ignore or consider.

 

 

But this teeny, weeny point aside, a fabulous poem, Tony.

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[Aleksandra]

Ah Tony, how cute and as Joel said melancholy poem. I loved it. The mixed expressions flows one in other, and sounds so nice. The realism of the day and the imagination and realism of the night you expressed so good in one same part.

All of this provokes emotions, sadness, passion, love. The wonderful feelings what you have used in the poem are so seen in here and shows one of the parts of love.

Ah this poem it's so nice Tonis

I love it my dear. Thank you for sharing such of emotional and caring poem with us. The receiver of these emotions must be happy and proud. I would be, for sure

 

See ya my friend

 

Aleksandra

[tonyv]

Thanks, Joel, for your read and comments.

JoelJosol wrote:

I just find "drink" as incompatible with the diction standing alone like that unsupported in the rest of the poem.

Drink was one of those words I wasn't sure of but settled on nevertheless, probably because it's a near-rhyme with bank. Thanks also for your thoughts re the end.

 

 

Golden, thank you for your keen observations. "Delicacy" was indeed the sentiment, which I had hoped to convey.

 

I had considered "stars and planets" in lieu of "constellations" but settled on the latter. I had not considered naming some patterns (like Orion) but I will have to brush up on my constellations before introducing them into the poem.

 

I did make one subtle edit in the second strophe: I didn't like having the word "while" appear twice in the strophe, so I added a semicolon and changed the first "while" to "the." Thank you, as always, for your encouragement!

 

 

Ah, Alek, thank you also for noticing the mixed expressions -- the blend of mundane realism and the world of imagination.

aleksandra wrote:

The receiver of these emotions must be happy and proud.

I will ask her and let you know!

 

Tony

[Aleksandra]

tonyv wrote:

 

 

Ah, Alek, thank you also for noticing the mixed expressions -- the blend of mundane realism and the world of imagination.

aleksandra wrote:

The receiver of these emotions must be happy and proud.

I will ask her and let you know!

 

Tony

 

Thank you my dear friend, so nice of you as always

 

I love it more and more this cute poem.

 

ALeksandra

[Tinker]

Hi Tony, Romance is in the air, it must be getting close to Valentine's Day.

 

Tight, nice rhythm except for L4. "alive" is awkward to me. I like the consonate envelope rhyme. A good sound, it is there but not in your face. Cool.

 

This was an enjoyable read. Thanks,

 

~~Tinker

[tonyv]

Thank you, Sandra Alek ... I'm delighted that you like it!

 

Tony

[tonyv]

Thank you, Tinker, for your kind comments. I'm glad you liked this. I was hoping to achieve subtlety in the rhyme scheme, and I'm glad it worked.

 

Tony

[pawn shop]

Romantic.

Somewhat sparse in scope.....but interesting.

[tonyv]

Thank you, Jonathan's pawnshop!

 

Tony

[spauldhr]

Simultaneously tender and passionate, mundane and unique. Nice contrasts :-)

[tonyv]

Thank you, spauldhr, for noticing the contrasts -- for the nice comment about the blend of mundane and uniqueness. Nice to see you here!

 

Tony

[badger11]

hi Tony

 

Distance when close defines loneliness. That is what I felt from your poem.

 

very much enjoyed

 

badge

[tonyv]

hi Tony

 

Distance when close defines loneliness. That is what I felt from your poem.

 

very much enjoyed

 

badge

 

Thank you, Badge! As you did, Joel and Alek did notice and mention melancholy/loneliness in this poem. I wasn't conscious of that aspect when I wrote it, but perhaps there is something more than I had realized brewing beneath the surface!

 

Tony