douglas Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 (edited) i don't think you even know that i've fallen in love with you you're too busy dealing with what you have to deal with and so you've left me on the shore like some washed up sailor without provisions or bearings i knew that sailing with you would be dangerous but i never imagined how tragic the sinking would be how vast the ocean how barren and overwhelming but i've always been a good swimmer and like any good swimmer i swam feeling the pull of my muscles as i did so feeling the effort the lactic acid of your unexpressed words and emotions to be fair your ship was fated before i stepped onto it and yet you only revealed the flaws of your vessel's infrastructure once i had boarded and the ship had set sail and so i hope you can forgive my panic as i blame you for the salt water that's drowning me as we go down you presented yourself well a capable captain in charge of his ship with a well-steered course and a handsome smile how was i to know that you were a reckless pirate taking me into unchartered waters waters full of big carnivorous fish maliciously complicating everything a deck beneath one's feet is so much more reassuring than a limitless scarlet depth and i've never enjoyed being suspended dangerously and so sweet sailor you leave me no choice but to abandon ship as uncomfortable and frightening as it is to do i may have to suck the water into my lungs feel the deep claustrophobia that may kill me and all that i love but a noble death at sea is better than a long and compromising life on a stranded beach Edited September 7, 2010 by douglas Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hi douglas, The metaphor of the ship and the treacherous journey, that the captain takes the narrator through works well here. Quite a strong ending: a noble death at seais better than a long and compromising life on a stranded beach I wondered if you need the final line: I guess ... The pain and sense of betrayal come across palpably. Good to read you again. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted August 29, 2010 Share Posted August 29, 2010 Douglas, This one is reminiscent of and comes across with the wistfulness of Hart Crane; it's like a contemporary blend of "Voyages" and "Cutty Sark." I find this part to be especially striking: buti've always been a good swimmer and like any good swimmer i swam feeling the pull of my muscles as i did so feeling the effort the lactic acid of your unexpressed words and emotions "The lactic acid of your unexpressed words and emotions" is novel. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted August 31, 2010 Author Share Posted August 31, 2010 thank you golden and tony for your words and thoughts. golden, i agree, i removed the last line as you suggested. thanks tony for your references. i've not read the poems you mentioned, but will check them out. keep well. doug Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted August 31, 2010 Share Posted August 31, 2010 thanks tony for your references. i've not read the poems you mentioned, but will check them out. Perhaps you won't agree, but I see a likeness ... in spirit at the very least. Best, Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted September 6, 2010 Share Posted September 6, 2010 Douglas, An epic saga of love- personal and universal- a thoroughly enjoyable glimpse into a personal myth. Well done! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted September 16, 2010 Author Share Posted September 16, 2010 Douglas, An epic saga of love- personal and universal- a thoroughly enjoyable glimpse into a personal myth. Well done! DC&J thanks so much for your lovely feedback! much appreciated! Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 Very emotional, with a strong ending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted September 21, 2010 Author Share Posted September 21, 2010 thanks lake. Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 This is very good poem, Doug. A strong confrontation in love. It's amazing how you expressed the feelings, so nicely. But being a good swimmer and to take the challenge to do swim to the end, it seems so hard... I don't know but I sound too negative tonight :) . I don't know if I should go on, and make some more comments, because I don't want to sound as I feel that I sound. :) I enjoyed this poem, a lot. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 hello my darling alex! thanks so much for your thoughts and comments! as always they are so appreciated - and never censor yourself! express what you feel!!! keep happy! and well! your friend! Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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