unidentified

[Tinker]

unidentified

tangled tight within brush and brambles
crusted in grit and crushed dead leaves
in a putrid pile of trash
the color of clay mud
a skeletal hand
lying stone still
suddenly
flinches,
once
---- ---Judi Van Gorder

A Nonet

[badger11]

unidentified

 

tangled tight within the brush and brambles

crusted in grit and crushed dead leaves

the color of grey brown

a skeletal hand

still and lifeless

suddenly

flinches

once

------------------- ---Judi Van Gorder

 

 

A Nonet

 

Definitely has the chill factor Tink! Excellent. Loved the hard sounds in 'crusted in grit'.

 

badge

[rumisong]

inspiring Tink- I like!

 

(it now lends evidence to something Ive suspected for a little while now,

there is a bit of Temperance Brennan in our Tink, isnt there?)

Edited October 2, 2010 by rumisong

[Tinker]

Thanks Badger, The original inspiration of this was simply to write an example of a Nonet. The first line began as a quest for nine syllables of harmonious sound. The content grew from there.

 

Rumi, LOL, I wish, rich, beautiful, academic genius, of course you have found me out, I am the model for Bones. Very funny. I have to admit, I do attempt to find truth in that which I seek and I do like intricate detail but that is as far as the connection goes. I have been known to faint while giving blood and maggots creep me out. But Bones and Dexter are programmed into my DVR as are Glee, So You Think You Can Dance and Sons of Anarchy.

 

~~Tink

[waxwings]

I enjoed this, esp. all the vocalic echoes, a special set for each line and each set commesurate w/ the lenght of that line.

 

You have done well in making each line a stand-alone syntagma, but lack (minor) of u.c. letters but esp. of punctuation suggests these are run-on lines even when the syntax suggests otherwise. When reading out loud you would, to let the listener in on what you are talking about, pauses at the end of mosy lines, each a complete descriptive phrase, all placed in series and acting as equivalent parts of speech--and thoughts. Not a question of 'rules' but need for most effective delivery when reading out loud. That is what syllabic 'meters/verse' of this kind (cascading line length) are supposed to do. Too many (but not you) write a prose poem and then tinker with words to make the syllable count fit.

 

I would, at least use a period to end the penultimate line and start the last line w/ u.c. O. Much superior to a non-surprising, run-on ending where the suspense is flattenes by "suddenly flinches once."

Edited October 3, 2010 by waxwings

[dr_con]

Beautiful Tinker! and a welcome warm up for the season;-) Likes the loquacious yet sharp pacing- a fun, fun piece;-)

 

 

DC&J

[Tinker]

I would, at least use a period to end the penultimate line and start the last line w/ u.c. O. Much superior to a non-surprising, run-on ending where the suspense is flattenes by "suddenly flinches once."

 

Hi Ike, Good to see you back. You went quiet for a time. Thank you for the suggestion, I think I will take the last one. I like it.

 

~~Tink

[Tinker]

Beautiful Tinker! and a welcome warm up for the season;-) Likes the loquacious yet sharp pacing- a fun, fun piece;-)

DC&J

 

 

Thanks DC, It was fun to write. I, like the reader, had no clue what was going to happen next.

 

~~Tink

[JoelJosol]

I learned something new today.

[tonyv]

What a poem a quest for nine syllables turned into, Tinker. I'm not sure I understand why the period was necessary, but I like it both ways.

 

The poem starts out as a CSI type of thing, but the momentary reanimation of the hand introduces a speck of the macabre. It's perfect, as we drift like falling leaves toward Halloween. :icon_eek:

 

Tony

[Lake]

I would, at least use a period to end the penultimate line and start the last line w/ u.c. O. Much superior to a non-surprising, run-on ending where the suspense is flattenes by "suddenly flinches once."

 

 

What is u.c.O, waxwings? Please?

 

Lake

[Lake]

Wow, Tinker. Your poetic skills shine in whatever forms you write. It is not rhymed but it has all other poetic traits. I like the sounds, alliterations and the single syllable words you employed. The theme is handled in a tight, economical way.

 

I counted the lines a few times to make sure they are nine (is that supposed to be?) but only found 8. Did I miss anything? This is new to me, and enticing to me, too.

 

Very enjoyable read,

 

Lake

[Tinker]

Wow, Tinker. Your poetic skills shine in whatever forms you write. It is not rhymed but it has all other poetic traits. I like the sounds, alliterations and the single syllable words you employed. The theme is handled in a tight, economical way.

 

I counted the lines a few times to make sure they are nine (is that supposed to be?) but only found 8. Did I miss anything? This is new to me, and enticing to me, too.

 

Very enjoyable read,

 

Lake

 

Oh my gosh, Lake.... that expression shows my age. :icon_razz: Thank you for catching that, I left out the 7 syllable line. Back to the drawing board. How about "a veil of obscurity" or "accumulated in a heap" or " in an obscure pile of trash" or "in a rotting pile of trash" or Maybe I should put this one in the playground and ask members to help me with a 7 syllable line that will fit. :icon_eek: Goes to show, maybe I should have a plan before writing a poem. At least I should know what I am writing about instead of creating images on the fly, line by line and when writing an example poem, maybe I should check the features.

 

unidentified

 

tangled tight within brush and brambles

crusted in grit and crushed dead leaves

in a rotting pile of trash

the color of grey brown

a skeletal hand

still and lifeless

suddenly

flinches.

Once

------------------- ---Judi Van Gorder

 

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

What is u.c.O, waxwings? Please?

I think Waxwings is referring to an upper case letter O, Lake.

 

Tony

[rumisong]

Oh my gosh, Lake.... that expression shows my age. :icon_razz:

...

~~Tink

 

 

ok, my turn- Im trying to find an age-exposing expression in something Lake wrote...

looking...

looking...

looking...

 

uh oh-

 

uh oh-

 

finding nothing-

thats gotta mean something- ('bout my age, no doubt)

[Aleksandra]

I wish I could count, I wish I could find an errors or mistakes :). Who will make me do that, I will give it an award :). I really want to be better, but I need an inspiration :).

 

Tinker, you are amazing writer. Everything seems easy for you. You are taking your pen / keyboard, and you are doing a great job. When I am looking in the Verse Forms, I can't stop to sigh. How many poems who have created there on each form, amazing. You are wonderful and restless with your ideas and inspiration, and efforts also.

Thank you for another gem that you share with us.

 

Great job, and we appreciate it. Thanks for being with us.

 

Aleksandra

[Tinker]

Thanks Aleks, what I think is amazing is poets like yourself, Joel, GL and Lake who write poetry so convincingly in English when it is your 2nd language. I don't even have a 2nd language unless you call my smattering of halting Spanish a 2nd language and I wouldn't even consider trying to write a poem in it.

 

~~Tink

[dedalus]

You need to move a couple of lines. There's too much weight in the first part of the poem, it sort of overpowers the end. Put this in the Workshop, OK?

[Tinker]

You need to move a couple of lines. There's too much weight in the first part of the poem, it sort of overpowers the end. Put this in the Workshop, OK?

 

Hi Brendan, The weight at the top is because of the form, the poem was simply written as an example. BUT, it would be great to explore this piece without the prescribed frame and I would love to hear your perspective. I will put this in the workshop. Thanks.

 

~~Tink