dr_con Posted October 2, 2010 Share Posted October 2, 2010 (edited) unpracticed curtain The smell of soybacon permeates the room My partner is a vegetarian and a humanitarian I tease her about her likely cannibalism inevitably the submission of her act becoming fully a cat love becomes food Considering these points the one that moves in the long grass or root and branch thicket is the inevitable commonality of want it attracts attention amid this ebb this flow the rustle of motion within the sense box that differs between prey and hunter me and you Or a body naked and personal not dead but bearing that way (You correct me point out inevitability) I sigh So what these moments observing the future and the past of this now- history suspended- holding- having- that illuminated suchness leaping off the page sweatiness truthiness beingness all just predictions like rain or sun or continuity simply Ah! among the furry duff spreading- it’s nutrition the deep loam of as it is here among the ghost forests prairies deserts and land that defy the clink or the boom of this modernity this poorly served plate our common fears held too high It tips and spills significantly among us. Edited October 4, 2010 by dr_con Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 unpracticed curtain The smell of soybacon permeates the room My partner is a vegetarian and a humanitarian I tease her about her likely cannibalism the sub- mission of act to being a cat love becomes food ---- L4 Considering these points the one that moves in the long grass or root and branch thicket is the inevitable commonality of want it attracts attention amid this ebb this flow the rustle of motion within the sense box that differs between prey and hunter me and you Or a body naked and personal not dead but bearing that way (You correct me point out inevitability) I sigh So what these moments observing the future and the past of this now- history suspended- holding- having- that illuminated suchness leaping off the page sweatiness truthiness beingness all just predictions like rain or sun or continuity simply Ah! among the furry duff spreading- it's nutrition the deep loam of as it is here among the ghost forests prairies deserts and land that defy the clink or the boom of this modernity this poorly served plate our common fears held too high It tips and spills significantly among us. Hi DC, I was fine reading this poem until L4 which makes no sense to me as written. I just got zapped by WW for lack of punctuation in my "unidentified" and he made some good points from the readers perspective. But I felt the line breaks sufficient to make the piece work and left it pretty much the same. So I understand where you are coming from by not using punctuation. However the only way I could read L4 to make sense was to pause after "cat" making "love becomes food" a statement in itself. Once isolated, the phrase is enlightening, I love it. Maybe I am just slow, but it took me several reads to separate it. If this was your meaning, I think something has to substitute for punctuation if you are not going to use it. The line is too good to throw away which is what I almost did in frustration. Once I got past L4, the whole thing seemed to come together, for me L4 was key to the poem. You made me work a bit to get it but it was worth it. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 DC, I never thought eating a dish from a "poorly served plate" could be so profound. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted October 4, 2010 Author Share Posted October 4, 2010 Tink, JJ Many thanks for the feedback- I have revised it a bit- My partner also stuck on that line, and I sorta left it in childish rebellion, since, of course, it made perfect sense to me;-) So, my poem, my form I'll play it as i Please;-) HA! Many, many Thanks! Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 I like how you capture this moment, every moment, no two of which are the same: I sigh So what these moments observingthe future and the past of this now- history suspended- holding- having- that illuminated suchness leaping off the page sweatiness truthiness beingness all just predictions like rain or sun or continuity simply Ah! among the furry duff spreading- it’s nutrition the deep loam of as it is here among the ghost forests prairies deserts and land that defy the clink or the boom of this modernity this poorly served plate our common fears held too high It tips and spills significantly among us. ... simply Ah! "Ghost forests" and "lands that defy the clink or the boom" are wondrous. Well done ... on the soy bacon, too, please! Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted October 6, 2010 Author Share Posted October 6, 2010 Thanks Tony! appreciate as always the feedback... (wait 'til you see the whole series;-) DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 ..........this poorly served plateour common fears held too high It tips and spills significantly among us. Wonderful closing of a wonderful composition. I like how you write in series. You must be so inspired, DC :). Waiting for more. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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