Aleksandra Posted October 16, 2010 Share Posted October 16, 2010 (For dead October, the 16th) Sullen marble all around. Frozen glares on grassy ground. Flowers and hearts that don't grow. A fog-bank. Nothing clear. I thread three cold stones onto a weak string to make a necklace. You are there, dim among the blue stars, fighting with the black clouds. A fog-bank. No one here. Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted October 16, 2010 Share Posted October 16, 2010 Hi Aleksandra, The date and dedication you give in your poem suggests that this is an elegiac poem for Toše Proeski, who died in a car- crash 0n 16th October, 2007 and about whom you have written with great poignancy. The shock and grief of his death still linger in your poem. It is as if the poet is contemplating the grave stone of Proeski and finds no answers to the question she must have asked when he died : Sullen marble all around.Frozen glares on grassy ground. Flowers and hearts that don't grow. This offering is such a simple but beautiful gesture and laden with a sense of loss : I thread three cold stonesonto a weak string to make a necklace. The pervading fog and the poet standing on the bank as if waiting for the fog to lift and some miracle to happen. I find these images where the dead is described as being assimilated with the stars quite similar to beliefs we have about the dead, particularly those who die young, merging with the stars: You are there, dim amongthe blue stars, fighting with the black clouds. A heart-felt lament. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 16, 2010 Share Posted October 16, 2010 What a poem, Alek! I know how quickly you composed this. You make it look effortless, but that's because you write naturally, from the heart. I concur with all of Goldenlangur's points. I'll also add that I love the logical layout and the way you employ refrain. The last line is especially striking. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 17, 2010 Author Share Posted October 17, 2010 Goldenlangur, I am so happy to read your astute observations on this poem. I am impressed that you got the right sense and dedication. The grief is still too big, even after three years, and I am trying to express the feelings that have been boiling inside me the whole time since that day. And still I haven't been able to do it in the way in which I have been inspired to... Thank you so much for your comment. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 17, 2010 Author Share Posted October 17, 2010 What a poem, Alek! I know how quickly you composed this. You make it look effortless, but that's because you write naturally, from the heart. I concur with all of Goldenlangur's points. I'll also add that I love the logical layout and the way you employ refrain. The last line is especially striking. Tony Ah, Tony. It wasn't so quickly as it can be :). I had a problem with starting this poem. But at the end I got is somehow. I am glad you like the layout. Thank you for your encouraging comment and help, of course. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Alek my friend. Don't grief for what you can't change. Weep for the future what is known brings. I don't want to exist as a spirit anymore. That is why the Sophia weeps. God has saddened me. Alek i have glaucoma. I'm going blind. I can chat with anyone on yahoo instant messenger or Google hotmail. I have a microphone in my computer. I'm getting checked or MS, CRONES DIESASE, AND PARKINSON'S DIEASE. I can barely see. I love you Aleksandra. Things are complicated. vic Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 (edited) This is a very good poem, I love your vision, even if I do not know the person. Nevertheless , I have to question the linguistics. If I misunderstand, you are free to ignore and forgive this old fogey. Your English is quite good, but, at times, you are not yet in full command of it, such as is more crucial in poetry. The problem most certainly is that English is a singularly odd language that insists on the use of: the most specific prepositions, proper word order OR/AND punctuation to accomplish what most languages (at least the European ones I know) do by means of inflectional endings. (For dead October, the 16th) Sullen marble all around, [see below my most detailed attempt to grasp what exactly you may be saying in this stanza.] Frozen glares on grassy ground. Flowers and hearts that don't grow. A fog-bank. Nothing clear. I thread three cold stones [A very nice and novel thought, finely stated. So are the other stanzas, but this needs no edit. onto a weak string to make a necklace. You are there, [items, in commas, are descriptors (of the "you") & are like interjectives (asides, on stage) when out of 'normal' place in clause.] dim, among the blue stars, fighting with the black clouds. A fog-bank. No one here. Let me separate 1st stanza into standard (and almost universally intelligible) speech parts/fragments. I am doing it to show what I think you mean. There could be one or more way to edit a few spots, but I will leave that for when and if you dedide to post a rebuttal. if there are other opinions toni may want to move this to another section. Sullen - adjective -------------------------------------------substantive prase marble, - noun / subject -------------------------------------------- "----------- all around, - phrase, describing subject, i.e., its location - interjective element [usually offset, by commas, from main clause & each other] frozen, - adjective, --------------------------------------interjective element glares - verb - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - predicate on /at glassy ground - indirect object - - - - - - - - - - - - - predicate and flowers and hearts - - indirect object(s)- - - - - - - - - - - - - predicate [w/o the conjunction "and", this is an incomplete clause lacking verb] that don't grow. - - descriptive phrase of last objects - - - -predicate Edited October 21, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 stark, atmospheric, bleak and emotional. i love the line: flowers and hearts that don't grow and the action of threading 3 stones evokes mystery, giving an otherworldly sense. i found this poem striking and powerful in its simplicity. Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 22, 2010 Author Share Posted October 22, 2010 Victor, dear. Thank you! I know, and I understand you. I am in peace because we spoke already. Take care and stay in peace. Waxwings, thank you for your comment. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand your suggestions. My English is not so good, but I think that sometimes there can also be a misunderstanding on the part of the reader. I know that many times I mix things up in my expressions, but sometimes I do it with intent as part of my writing style. So, what I am most concerned about is using proper grammar. I'm not always so concerned about using commonplace expressions. But I will definitely take a close look and try to learn something from your comment. I appreciate your time and interest. Thank you. And finally, Douglas. The lover of the world. . Thanks to you, too, for your nice comment. I am glad you like this poem, and I'm happy to enjoy your poetry also. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I got the tone and the diction straightaway, a lovely melancholy piece, Alek. Larsen, this life is full of pain. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Remarkable Aleks! A wonderfully expressed sad tone- It really strikes heart almost before the eyes and before the ears. Very, very well done... DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 26, 2010 Author Share Posted October 26, 2010 Joel and Juris, thank you for your comments. I am glad that this poem worked out for you. The tone is what I wanted to express the most. Thank you. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 A cold world Aleks and I felt that the 'necklace' could break with such a weight. Personally I know that beyond the fog is spring and the flowers will bloom and colour our world with warmth again! badge always the optimist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted November 1, 2010 Author Share Posted November 1, 2010 Thanks badge, for your support. I like people who are optimists. I remember being once :D. But of course, optimism is the only thing that can help in any situation, and to make you move forward. Thank you for your comment. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 Hi Aleks, I love this poem, the cold and the weight of sorrow is palpable. And I love that for someone who says she can't write in "form" you create a distinct form that houses your sorrow, almost in the shape of an urn. Quite beautiful. Three Stones Sullen marble all around. Frozen glares on grassy ground. Flowers and hearts that don't grow. A fog-bank. Nothing clear. I thread three cold stones onto a weak string to make a necklace. You are there, dim among the blue stars, fighting with the black clouds. A fog-bank. No one here. ----Aleksandra Nice! But Aleks, Badge is right, life has a way of coming around. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted November 14, 2010 Author Share Posted November 14, 2010 Tinker :). Thank you so much. If I did something I did unknowingly :). Thank you for centering this poem and giving it this better shape. I like it. Thank you. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Lovely, my dear Aleks (NOT Aleksa!): Solzi Pravat Zlaten Prsten Bren Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted November 16, 2010 Author Share Posted November 16, 2010 Ah, Bren. How sweet from you. You made me cry, but I am smiling also. You touched my heart with your comment. That is an example how the simple things can make your day/life better. Shall we translate what that means? - Well let's tell to the others, it's an older song from Toshe, that means The tears makes golden ring. Thank you so much, Bren... I am going now to listen the song, who want can is welcome to join me. Here is the link. Aleksandra :) ... Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 Nice. I read that as, Lzy robjo zloty pierscien, but have not proper font to do it perfect.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted December 1, 2010 Author Share Posted December 1, 2010 Hi, waxwings. To me that sound something as Russian?! :) Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted December 10, 2010 Share Posted December 10, 2010 (edited) Hi, waxwings. To me that sound something as Russian?! :) It is a translation into pure Polish of Daedalus' "years make/form a golden ring", which would require me to use Cyrillic to write it in Russian. Edited December 10, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 I have read the comments here and also read the poem several times over. It is an enigmatic and melancholy elegy, yet at the same time a highly readable modern poem. It takes great skill to infuse emotion, imagery and metaphor in such a brief few lines. Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Benjamin, thank you for your fine comment. I appreciate it. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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