On Valentine's Day

[JoelJosol]

I returned the card

to its display row

like how you let go a spent love,

or a balloon, deflated.

It did make my eyes beam,

my cheeks rise a little,

like a soda drink

before the acid strikes

the lining of your hungry stomach.

 

I declined the help of the saleslady

insisting I am doing fine,

that I will be happier

left alone with all these cards

promising love and cheer

that will never end.

Of course, that's a lie

men and women pay for

with cash.

 

I picked up another one,

studied it

like you would a pretty face

in a coffee drinking crowd,

only to wiggle your head after,

followed by the return

of the card.

[goldenlangur]

^{Valentine with a twist}

 

Hi JoelJosol,

 

A valentine poem with a cruel twist! You create a sense of reliving the end of love, most poignantly browsing through valentine cards with their images and words of avowal of love. These details capture this well:

 

"deflated, acid, a lie" and these lines echo the disenchantment:

 

 

...

Of course, that's a lie

men and women pay for

with cash.

 

 

Amidst the commercial hype of this occasion, a poem conveying deep pain and disillusionment.

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[Aleksandra]

I returned the card

to its display row

like how you let go a spent love,

or a balloon, deflated.

 

How nice tone have this poem Joel.

 

This part I loved it:

 

that I will be happier

left alone with all these cards

promising love and cheer

that will never end.

 

And here the response what hurts and makes a difficult part.

Of course, that's a lie

men and women pay for

with cash.

 

Well caged poem Joel. I like it a lot.

 

Aleksandra

[Tinker]

Hi Joel, I love the idea behind this poem and you have some good images to support it, but I thought the syntax was awkward in places... Normally your work is flawlessly fluid, this one flows over some big rocks.

 

This line doesn't work for me, it sounds forced, awkward:

 

L3 like how you let go a spent love

 

how about something like

 

as if letting go a spent love

 

and the wordy unnecessary lines of

 

L11 insisting I am doing fine,

L12 that I will be happier

L13 left alone with all these cards

 

I think L11 and L12 could be deleted all together and L13 tweeked to

 

happier to be left alone

with promises of love and cheer

that will never end.

 

We know you are looking at cards, we don't need to be told again, any way, it isn't the cards you object too, it is the phony promises. That is where your words should focus us.

 

Forgive me Joel. I have been spending a lot of time on a critical site lately and I saw what I perceive to be flaws in this otherwise excellent piece and felt I had to let you know. You are a fine poet with a fresh concept, I think it just needs a little cleaning up.

 

~~Tink

[JoelJosol]

Hi Tink, no worries. I prosper with critical feedback. I will put the revision on the workshop forum. Thanks again.

[tonyv]

I know why you couldn't settle on a card, Joel: the verse that is inscribed on greeting cards is usually dreadful! You need to buy only beautiful cards that are blank inside. Anything you write yourself inside will be a thousand times better than that which would come pre-printed on a standard greeting card. Definitlely buy her a blank one and be sure to include a love poem which you have composed for her -- an original like those you normally delight us with! I buy only blank cards for every occasion.

 

Tony

[JoelJosol]

How true, tony!