goldenlangur Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 in the cloudless sky giant kites reel spring morning over these mountains my thoughts race to you or : in cloudless skies giant kites reel spring morning - over the mountains my thoughts race to you goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 in cloudless skies giant kites reel spring morning - over the mountains my thoughts race to you Wonderful goldenlangur. I really love the second version. " the " mountains sounds much better than " these " mountains. Short and thoughtful. I love the expression:Cloudless sky, and also spring morning - over the mountains that part have far horizon, deep, for the writer and for the reader. Sounds lovely and romantic Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 (edited) Thank you very much Aleksandra for your suggestions here. aleksandra wrote: I really love the second version. " the " mountains sounds much better than " these " mountains. Short and thoughtful. I love the expression:Cloudless sky, and also spring morning - over the mountains that part have far horizon, deep, for the writer and for the reader. Aleksandra I like how you read the images, particularly the "mountains" hinting at "far horizon". I appreciate your close read. goldenlangur Edited May 10, 2009 by goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pawn shop Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 How about "their cloudless skies" and "over our mountians" Just a quick thought...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Golden, "my thoughts race to you" is the punch line to me. I like the juxtaposition here also - kites reel in the sky and thoughts race over the mountains. And spring morning serves as a pivot. Love it. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Hi gl. Another winner. We all have our preferences, but it is your preference that counts, the message comes through in both versions. It is just which sounds better to the ear. To my ear, a combination of the 2 sounds best... in cloudless skies ------ I like the rhythm better giant kites reel spring morning --- over these mountains ----- "these" sounds more personal, specific my thoughts race to you However you like it, I think it is a small gem. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summayya Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Could picture colorful kites in a cloudless sky and yes my thoughts flied too... As always a pleasure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 Thank you summayya Lovely to see you around goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 Thank you pawn shop for your suggestions Will have a rethink. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 I can see that you're already beginning to figure out the various aspects of the tanka form, Lake. This is wonderful and I've enjoyed very much how you've read this piece in the light of the "pivot" line and the "juxtaposition" of images and emotions in a tanka. Thank you very much. I hope you'll give this form a try and post a tanka. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 Many thanks Tink for giving this tanka a close read and posting your thoughts as to how and why the second version works for you. I appreciate your feedback and suggestions as I'm still learning this form and hope to improve as I go along. With appreciation, goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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