Dough

[tonyv]

This is what she told me that we need:
the winter foods, the wood for heating, seed.
But I have something else in mind instead.
I'll harvest stars, we'll bake them into bread.

[Lake]

That's simply romantic, Tony. :)

[goldenlangur]

Hi Tony,

 

This quite a different style to your writing and I find it wonderfully condensed and layered in the way you use images to suggest and let the reader make their own interpretations.

 

 

Truly beautiful!:

 

I'll harvest stars, we'll bake them into bread.

 

 

I enjoyed this very much and look forward to more poems in this new style. :D

[waxwings]

That time of the year when fresh hot bread of any kind does warm the heart.

[Tinker]

Tony, Who knew you to be such a romantic? This is really lovely Heroic Stanza. I was just thinking I needed one of those for the quatrain page and this poem would be a perfect example.

 

Can I make one small suggestion? The title, Dough seems so heavy and basic what about "Leaven"? There are all kinds of connotations within the word Leaven, it actually fits better with the gathering of stars, it is a basic ingredient in all bread dough and it rhymes with 'heaven" which is heard without the use of the word and adds another layer to the poem.

 

Just an idea.

 

~~Tink

[rumisong]

I love how this arrives here Tony,

 

its quick, a little too quick, and thats good in this case-- it tells me something that I wanted to know that I didnt know I wanted to know, about stars and dough

 

here is a favorite Tedtalk about bread and heaven-- I highly recommend

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/peter_reinhart_on_bread.html

[tonyv]

That's simply romantic, Tony. :)

Hopelessly so ... Thank you, Lake.

 

Tony :)

[tonyv]

I enjoyed this very much and look forward to more poems in this new style. :D

Thank you, Goldenlangur. :) I'm pleased that you liked it. And I'll do my best to deliver!

 

Tony

[tonyv]

That time of the year when fresh hot bread of any kind does warm the heart.

Thanks, Ikars, for checking in. Yes, it warms the heart and home.

 

Tony

[tonyv]

Tony, Who knew you to be such a romantic? This is really lovely Heroic Stanza. I was just thinking I needed one of those for the quatrain page and this poem would be a perfect example.

 

Can I make one small suggestion? The title, Dough seems so heavy and basic what about "Leaven"? There are all kinds of connotations within the word Leaven, it actually fits better with the gathering of stars, it is a basic ingredient in all bread dough and it rhymes with 'heaven" which is heard without the use of the word and adds another layer to the poem.

 

Just an idea.

 

~~Tink

Thank you, Tinker. I didn't realize this was a heroic stanza. I suppose it is ... It's made up of two heroic couplets.

 

I like your idea about using "leaven" for the title, but I'll have to think about it a bit. I used "dough" because it's also an American slang word for money. I wanted to contrast the practicality of the woman subject in the poem with the impracticality of the man.

 

Tony

[tonyv]

I love how this arrives here Tony,

 

its quick, a little too quick, and thats good in this case-- it tells me something that I wanted to know that I didnt know I wanted to know, about stars and dough

 

here is a favorite Tedtalk about bread and heaven-- I highly recommend

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/peter_reinhart_on_bread.html

I know what you mean about it being quick, Rumisong. In the past, I've mentioned my penchant for the short poem. My primary ingredient: indolence. :icon_redface:

 

Thanks for checking in. Thanks also for the link. (I just finished listening to it.) I never really understood bread making, and the speaker explains it well. From alive to dead, from dough to bread ...

 

The eternal slacker,

 

Tony

[Aleksandra]

This is what she told me that we need:

the winter foods, the wood for heating, seed.

But I have something else in mind instead.

I'll harvest stars, we'll bake them into bread.

 

Well, Tony, this is my first truly memorized English poem (I haven't memorized many in my own language, also, not even my own poems lol). :) Anyway, this poem is very cute, and very romantic. The narrator is kind of thoughtful character and presents a huge love with the last line, which is brilliant - I'll harvest stars, we'll bake them into bread. It's sad that, that kind of love exist only in the movies, novellas, poems. It's too good to be real. :)

 

Short but quality and wonderful piece, Tony.

 

Aleksandra

[dedalus]

Tony comes through: good, strong

 

This is what she told me that we need:

the winter foods, the wood for heating, seed.

But I have something else in mind instead.

I'll harvest stars, we'll bake them into bread.

 

My humble advice is to cut "we'll" in the 4th line.

 

Anois,

Bren

[badger11]

I'm sure the act of baking will heal the divide too! The final line notion was a delight.

 

badge

 

ps Tink's title suggestion was a rich one in my opinion, though I understand your reasoning too.

[tonyv]

Well, Tony, this is my first truly memorized English poem (I haven't memorized many in my own language, also, not even my own poems lol)

Thanks, Alek. I'm impressed that you've memorized this poem. :) Though I fear it's hardly memorable :icon_redface:, I am glad that you liked it. Thank you!

 

Tony

[tonyv]

Tony comes through: good, strong

 

My humble advice is to cut "we'll" in the 4th line.

Thanks, Brendan. I'll consider that. It's there for the meter, but I can probably do something else to make it better.

 

Tony

[tonyv]

I'm sure the act of baking will heal the divide too!

Let's hope so! Thank you, Badge.

 

Tony :D

[Benjamin]

Hi Tony.

Such a pleasant and uncomplicated seasonal write, The romantic last line took me a little by surprise after, “But I have something else in mind instead” :icon_redface: . Well worked. Benjamin.

[tonyv]

... The romantic last line took me a little by surprise after, “But I have something else in mind instead” :icon_redface:

Thank you, Benjamin. That's not a bad outcome, as far as this poet is concerned! :icon_cool:

 

Tony

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

tony i totally dig this righteous poem. the metaphor of the divide was picked up by me because of the title. leaven would well for the titlesuggested by another if you were i mplementing something other then your explanation for this beautiful romantic very revealing self truthful evident poem. dough for the title reveals the cohesiveness of how the whole poem line for line ties together and is weilded and meshs together. line 4 works perfect withe title dough with your explanation. leaven as title with tinker's explanation works perfect also. this trully is a dual poem. this makes for a poem for the ages (also a poem that tests the ages). outstanding work my friend.

 

i love lines 2 and 3.

 

victor

[tonyv]

Thank you for your kind, thorough review, Victor. I wasn't very excited about this poem when I wrote it, but I'm pleased with all the positive feedback it has garnered. I'm glad you liked it!

 

Tony