dr_con Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 puddle reflections just because i see the pattern doesn’t mean it doesn’t repeat repeat repeat the whole Moon in these puddle puddle puddle distracts from the sun sun sun high reflection of some space dotted with light light light dark -really pulls out your colors beneath the surface is our debt debt debt tension divides scene from un un un the Director pulls back back back all fades black black black just before dark i see the pattern it doesn’t repeat repeat repeat Quote thegateless.org
tonyv Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 The second verse kind of gets me down. The "un" in conjunction with "the Director" makes me think of the undertaker, the funeral director, to wit. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
rumisong Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) I like the experimental spirit of this-- Ive not seen this done myself (but Im not terribly well read anyway) I have to say, for me, the repeating pattern is more reminiscent of a children's skip-rope song-- interspersed with the serious poet and his adult intent, sort of ends up a bit stranger than Im able to get my voice around-- like watching that guy on the park bench who just watches the children playing all day, but without an empathetic innocence that would make us feel comfortable with him there-- more of a creepy guy-- thats what the repeats and the poetic words mingled here do for me... Ill read it again later, and see if I can hear it differently then Edited November 24, 2010 by rumisong Quote
goldenlangur Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Hi DC, This is very cleverly done - the repetition of the words imitating the theme and title of your poem. Great opening which sets the tone of the piece well: just because i see the patterndoesn’t mean it doesn’t repeat repeat repeat the whole Moon in these puddle puddle puddle Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.
dr_con Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Tony- You perfectly read the mood, which I believed wasn't in the poem- So well done! Rumi, exactly! Golden- Yes exactly;-) Many Thanks All! J&DC Quote thegateless.org
Aleksandra Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Very interesting, and new for me, Juris. I enjoyed so much and I'm reading it again and again. Thank you. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia
Tinker Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 puddle reflections just because i see the pattern doesn't mean it doesn't repeat repeat repeat the whole Moon in these puddle puddle puddle distracts from the sun sun sun high reflection of some space dotted with light light light dark -really pulls out your colors beneath the surface is our debt debt debt tension divides scene from un un un the Director pulls back back back all fades black black black just before dark i see the pattern it doesn't repeat repeat repeat Hi DC, I like the compact form you used for this piece, it gives focus to the tight reflection and gives me the feeling trying to hold it together. The repetition reminds me of ripples in water, very effective. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com
Benjamin Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Interesting concept: darkly funereal, much removed from the usual hypnotic, languid, pebble and pool themes. Quote
JoelJosol Posted December 25, 2010 Posted December 25, 2010 Clever. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach
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