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Evening Song


badger11
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Time's pitter patter tapping the stained glass,
unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rain
that trickles, snakes a rhythm to unclasp
her eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sin

until all prayers are a whisper in the clouds,
a longing for the emptiness of light.
Tonight she swims the swaying reeds,
casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips.


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This pitter patter tapping stained glass,
unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rain
that trickles, snakes a rhythm, unclasps
her eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sin

until prayers are a whisper in the clouds,
a longing for the emptiness of light.
Tonight she swims the swaying reeds,
casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips.

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Intriguing vespers, Badge. I loved the emptiness of light and how Tonight she swims the swaying reeds.

 

Tony

 

 

Thanks Tony. Still needs refining, but then that's part of the pleasure.

 

badge

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Hi Badge, I have been eying this poem for a while. It shows a nice balance between the spirit and the flesh, well played. stained glass snaked with tears -- what an image, at least that was the image I saw after reading your words. And this sensual line "she swims the swaying reeds" - evokes a feeling more than an understanding. I loved this poem.

 

Of course the title sent me straight to my article and this poem would be a perfect example for the genre crossing over into the secular. It seems perfect to me but since you say you are refining it, when you are finished with it, would you let me use it as an example in Evensong and Vespers. I would love to show a contrast from the spiritual to the sensual.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Of course the title sent me straight to my article and this poem would be a perfect example for the genre crossing over into the secular. It seems perfect to me but since you say you are refining it, when you are finished with it, would you let me use it as an example in Evensong and Vespers. I would love to show a contrast from the spiritual to the sensual.

 

~~Tink

 

Very kind offer Tink and naturally I would be pleased to be included in your project. I meant 'refining' in a general sense ie I tend to 'tinker' with rather than finish a poem!l lol Loved the link, beautiful lines from Mr S.

 

badge

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How nice to learn a new form! What kind of mood would it be for an evening song. The sound of the first line immediately draws me in. Thanks badge for posting this one.

 

Lake

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This pitter-patter tapping stained glass,

unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rain

that trickles, snakes a rhythm then unclasps {rhytm, I feel's a tough word to fit into your nice metric pattern.

her eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sin

 

until her prayers are a whisper in the clouds,

a longing for the emptiness of light.

Tonight she swims the swaying reeds,

casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips.

 

A very strong poem at heart. Emotion, content, vocalic echoes went right to my soul. I like the attention paid to merging those aspects and was enthralled

by the partly hidden sense the lines make. But I do fail to see what "unthreding wedded bliss" is aimed at or how can 'sin be framed' r 'rhythm snaked' and 'reeds swum". (That's a non-transitive verb w/few exceptions, like in "swim the channel".) You may want to do a bit of clarifying edits.

 

Several rare images, esp. "emptiness of light".

 

You have succeeded to rhythmiclly blend lines of 9, 10, 9, 10 and 9, 10, 8, 10 sylables (at least per my count) well, but a few seem rhythmically, not lingyistically somewhat forced. The alliteration comes on a bit strong in the first line (noye my hyphen as a fix) which is rhythmically somewhat disturbing in comparison w/the other lines. Same could be said for L3 & L5.

 

Thanks for an excellent read, regardless my quibbles.

Edited by waxwings
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This pitter-patter tapping stained glass,

unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rain

that trickles, snakes a rhythm then unclasps {rhytm, I feel's a tough word to fit into your nice metric pattern.

her eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sin

 

until her prayers are a whisper in the clouds,

a longing for the emptiness of light.

Tonight she swims the swaying reeds,

casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips.

 

A very strong poem at heart. Emotion, content, vocalic echoes went right to my soul. I like the attention paid to merging those aspects and was enthralled

by the partly hidden sense the lines make. But I do fail to see what "unthreding wedded bliss" is aimed at or how can 'sin be framed' r 'rhythm snaked' and 'reeds swum". (That's a non-transitive verb w/few exceptions, like in "swim the channel".) You may want to do a bit of clarifying edits.

 

Several rare images, esp. "emptiness of light".

 

You have succeeded to rhythmiclly blend lines of 9, 10, 9, 10 and 9, 10, 8, 10 sylables (at least per my count) well, but a few seem rhythmically, not lingyistically somewhat forced. The alliteration comes on a bit strong in the first line (noye my hyphen as a fix) which is rhythmically somewhat disturbing in comparison w/the other lines. Same could be said for L3 & L5.

 

Thanks for an excellent read, regardless my quibbles.

 

What a fab reply ww. You are wonderful asset to the group. I only wish I could reciprocate, but my workshop skills lack your knowledge.

 

many thanks

 

badge

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What a fab reply ww. You are wonderful asset to the group. I only wish I could reciprocate, but my workshop skills lack your knowledge.

 

many thanks

 

badge

 

 

A good poem deserves a thoughtful response. My reward is you let me know you read my take: praise, quibbles and all. You do not have to feel you absolutely must reciprocate, but, surely, if you happen to read one of mine you are most welcome to react frankly, in your own way, the devil with those skills. There is no need to be as elaborate as I am, for I have the unfair advantage of having much more exposure and ‘censure’ of every kind.

 

I find the input of others extremely valuable, laudatory or not…After all, neither you nor I nor anyone else is bound to heed anything, no matter how kindly meant, what someone other may say. But anything is better than dead silence.

 

I would be pleased to hear how you came about, advertently or not, fashioning lines of those specific syllable counts. On further reading I must recant my earlier thoughts. But I do like your ‘fix’ for L5, and when I made the suggestion I knew you would have the right answer, whereas mine was just a generalization.

Edited by waxwings
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http://' target="_blank">I liked your amendment to “Time's” and the ensuing, “pitter patter tapping the stained glass, unthreading wedded bliss;” The overall imagery is excellent and I particularly liked the alliteration of “Tonight she swims the swaying reeds”. Benjamin

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Badge, this poem has a perfect sound and wonderful title. "It frames her sin until all prayers are a whisper in the clouds" -- perfect expression and very soft. And also the second stanza is amazing.

 

I enjoyed this poem a lot.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Hi badge,

 

Beautiful to read aloud and rich with imagery which give the reader a deep sense of the meeting of the sacred and the profane.

 

 

The edited version works well.

 

Thank you.

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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I would be pleased to hear how you came about, advertently or not, fashioning lines of those specific syllable counts.

 

Just the shape of the voice in my head WW

 

badge

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I liked your amendment to "Time's" and the ensuing, "pitter patter tapping the stained glass, unthreading wedded bliss;" The overall imagery is excellent and I particularly liked the alliteration of "Tonight she swims the swaying reeds". Benjamin

 

Thank you Benjamin for the thumbs up on the amendment. Pleased to see you posting here.

 

badge

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