badger11 Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 Time's pitter patter tapping the stained glass,unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rainthat trickles, snakes a rhythm to unclaspher eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sinuntil all prayers are a whisper in the clouds,a longing for the emptiness of light.Tonight she swims the swaying reeds,casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips.originalThis pitter patter tapping stained glass,unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rainthat trickles, snakes a rhythm, unclaspsher eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sinuntil prayers are a whisper in the clouds,a longing for the emptiness of light.Tonight she swims the swaying reeds,casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted December 7, 2010 Share Posted December 7, 2010 Intriguing vespers, Badge. I loved the emptiness of light and how Tonight she swims the swaying reeds. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Share Posted December 9, 2010 Intriguing vespers, Badge. I loved the emptiness of light and how Tonight she swims the swaying reeds. Tony Thanks Tony. Still needs refining, but then that's part of the pleasure. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 Hi Badge, I have been eying this poem for a while. It shows a nice balance between the spirit and the flesh, well played. stained glass snaked with tears -- what an image, at least that was the image I saw after reading your words. And this sensual line "she swims the swaying reeds" - evokes a feeling more than an understanding. I loved this poem. Of course the title sent me straight to my article and this poem would be a perfect example for the genre crossing over into the secular. It seems perfect to me but since you say you are refining it, when you are finished with it, would you let me use it as an example in Evensong and Vespers. I would love to show a contrast from the spiritual to the sensual. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 10, 2010 Author Share Posted December 10, 2010 Of course the title sent me straight to my article and this poem would be a perfect example for the genre crossing over into the secular. It seems perfect to me but since you say you are refining it, when you are finished with it, would you let me use it as an example in Evensong and Vespers. I would love to show a contrast from the spiritual to the sensual. ~~Tink Very kind offer Tink and naturally I would be pleased to be included in your project. I meant 'refining' in a general sense ie I tend to 'tinker' with rather than finish a poem!l lol Loved the link, beautiful lines from Mr S. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted December 10, 2010 Share Posted December 10, 2010 How nice to learn a new form! What kind of mood would it be for an evening song. The sound of the first line immediately draws me in. Thanks badge for posting this one. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 (edited) This pitter-patter tapping stained glass,unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rain that trickles, snakes a rhythm then unclasps {rhytm, I feel's a tough word to fit into your nice metric pattern. her eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sin until her prayers are a whisper in the clouds, a longing for the emptiness of light. Tonight she swims the swaying reeds, casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips. A very strong poem at heart. Emotion, content, vocalic echoes went right to my soul. I like the attention paid to merging those aspects and was enthralled by the partly hidden sense the lines make. But I do fail to see what "unthreding wedded bliss" is aimed at or how can 'sin be framed' r 'rhythm snaked' and 'reeds swum". (That's a non-transitive verb w/few exceptions, like in "swim the channel".) You may want to do a bit of clarifying edits. Several rare images, esp. "emptiness of light". You have succeeded to rhythmiclly blend lines of 9, 10, 9, 10 and 9, 10, 8, 10 sylables (at least per my count) well, but a few seem rhythmically, not lingyistically somewhat forced. The alliteration comes on a bit strong in the first line (noye my hyphen as a fix) which is rhythmically somewhat disturbing in comparison w/the other lines. Same could be said for L3 & L5. Thanks for an excellent read, regardless my quibbles. Edited December 11, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 11, 2010 Author Share Posted December 11, 2010 Thank you Lake. Pleased the first line cast drew in! cheers badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 11, 2010 Author Share Posted December 11, 2010 This pitter-patter tapping stained glass,unthreading wedded bliss; relentless rain that trickles, snakes a rhythm then unclasps {rhytm, I feel's a tough word to fit into your nice metric pattern. her eyes with a moist kiss. It frames her sin until her prayers are a whisper in the clouds, a longing for the emptiness of light. Tonight she swims the swaying reeds, casting for sleepy lies, a stranger's lips. A very strong poem at heart. Emotion, content, vocalic echoes went right to my soul. I like the attention paid to merging those aspects and was enthralled by the partly hidden sense the lines make. But I do fail to see what "unthreding wedded bliss" is aimed at or how can 'sin be framed' r 'rhythm snaked' and 'reeds swum". (That's a non-transitive verb w/few exceptions, like in "swim the channel".) You may want to do a bit of clarifying edits. Several rare images, esp. "emptiness of light". You have succeeded to rhythmiclly blend lines of 9, 10, 9, 10 and 9, 10, 8, 10 sylables (at least per my count) well, but a few seem rhythmically, not lingyistically somewhat forced. The alliteration comes on a bit strong in the first line (noye my hyphen as a fix) which is rhythmically somewhat disturbing in comparison w/the other lines. Same could be said for L3 & L5. Thanks for an excellent read, regardless my quibbles. What a fab reply ww. You are wonderful asset to the group. I only wish I could reciprocate, but my workshop skills lack your knowledge. many thanks badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 (edited) What a fab reply ww. You are wonderful asset to the group. I only wish I could reciprocate, but my workshop skills lack your knowledge. many thanks badge A good poem deserves a thoughtful response. My reward is you let me know you read my take: praise, quibbles and all. You do not have to feel you absolutely must reciprocate, but, surely, if you happen to read one of mine you are most welcome to react frankly, in your own way, the devil with those skills. There is no need to be as elaborate as I am, for I have the unfair advantage of having much more exposure and ‘censure’ of every kind. I find the input of others extremely valuable, laudatory or not…After all, neither you nor I nor anyone else is bound to heed anything, no matter how kindly meant, what someone other may say. But anything is better than dead silence. I would be pleased to hear how you came about, advertently or not, fashioning lines of those specific syllable counts. On further reading I must recant my earlier thoughts. But I do like your ‘fix’ for L5, and when I made the suggestion I knew you would have the right answer, whereas mine was just a generalization. Edited December 11, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted December 13, 2010 Share Posted December 13, 2010 http://' target="_blank">I liked your amendment to “Time's” and the ensuing, “pitter patter tapping the stained glass, unthreading wedded bliss;” The overall imagery is excellent and I particularly liked the alliteration of “Tonight she swims the swaying reeds”. Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Badge, this poem has a perfect sound and wonderful title. "It frames her sin until all prayers are a whisper in the clouds" -- perfect expression and very soft. And also the second stanza is amazing. I enjoyed this poem a lot. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi badge, Beautiful to read aloud and rich with imagery which give the reader a deep sense of the meeting of the sacred and the profane. The edited version works well. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 I would be pleased to hear how you came about, advertently or not, fashioning lines of those specific syllable counts. Just the shape of the voice in my head WW badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 I liked your amendment to "Time's" and the ensuing, "pitter patter tapping the stained glass, unthreading wedded bliss;" The overall imagery is excellent and I particularly liked the alliteration of "Tonight she swims the swaying reeds". Benjamin Thank you Benjamin for the thumbs up on the amendment. Pleased to see you posting here. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 Thank you Aleks. I have many foibles - 'soft' sounds, spicy food...and :wine2: badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 Many thanks for re-visiting gl. Always interested in your perspective. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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