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Thief


Wistful Poet
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Wistful Poet

I tended that flower for three years.

I watched it grow from a seed to a rose,

I gave it love and care as if it were my own child.

 

But you,

you got jealous of my hard work,

so in the dead of night,

you took my flower and passed it off as your own,

claiming all my hard work...

I can't look you at you for taking my pride and joy away.

Thanks alot.

"If you are faced with a dissappointment or a bad situation ask, will it matter in 10 years?

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Hi Wistful, Welcome, it is nice to see you posting here.

 

I like the metaphor. I wonder if you would accept a suggestion. I think in L1 it would make more sense if you substituted "rosebush" or "plant" for "flower". No flower lasts 3 years but a bareroot rosebush can take 3 years to produce the perfect rose. The substitution would also eliminated the repetition of the word flower later in the poem.

 

Your last 2 lines are fine for a journal or if you are sending the poem specifically to the thief. But for the public, I think they diminish the power of the poem. Ending at L8 says it all. You don't have to tell the reader how you feel, leaving it at L8 lets the reader feel it for themselves. Just a different perspective.

 

I that a picture of Dancer? My mare, St Pat was a bay with a blaze also. This reminded me a little of her. I miss her.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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goldenlangur

Hi again,

 

Tink has given you some great advice - a concrete image/reference helps to ground a poem and make it come alive for the reader.

 

You convey the pique and sense of betrayal very well.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra

So nice poem WP. I like it. This is in relation of your youth what you own now . Well expressed and I agree with advices of our friends what pointed out.

 

Thank you for sharing

 

your avatar looks very cute icon_wink.gif

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Wistful Poet

thanks guys. That's my horse dancer. Thanks for the advice tink. I rewrote it last night so it should be up soon.

"If you are faced with a dissappointment or a bad situation ask, will it matter in 10 years?

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Wistful Poet

Thanks pawn shop!

"If you are faced with a dissappointment or a bad situation ask, will it matter in 10 years?

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Your poem is good. The metaphor works.

 

Nicely done!

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