A Winter Day

[tonyv]

------------------A Winter Day

 

---Sun's lemon drop, embedded within fleece,
is framed by limb of oak in daytime scenes
and pales through globs of sleet on window screens.
My capital, of tended fires that smolder,
is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder,
and there I left my daughter in a yurt;
I left her taken care of and unhurt.
I like to go outside now, on hard ground,
and look from side to side and all around
when the moon rises -- as her bridegroom rose --
on frigid nights of not so sweet repose.
Still higher, overhead, an asterism
now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism!
---Although I know it, I know not its peace.

____________

LEMON DROPS

ULAN BATOR

YURT

[waxwings]

This is as musical a poem as I can remember having ever read, and the fictional content is most enchanting while poignant. I am at a slight loss how the lemon drop got in there, and whose capitol (or is it capital) is it. Of course, myreading could be insufficient for decyphering those allusions. Not "In Xanadu..."?

[tonyv]

This is as musical a poem as I can remember having ever read, and the fictional content is most enchanting while poignant. I am at a slight loss how the lemon drop got in there, and whose capitol (or is it capital) is it. Of course, myreading could be insufficient for decyphering those allusions. Not "In Xanadu..."?

Thanks, Ikars. I was pondering whether the lemon drop/winter sun metaphor was understandable. "Capitol" refers to the speaker's home/capitol city whereas the daughter's capitol is named in the poem. But what I was really wondering was whether it's clear that the bridegroom is the daughter's bridegroom and not the moon's bridegroom ...

 

Tony

 

 

Note:

 

I changed "always" in L5 to "often."

[Benjamin]

Hello Tony. I like this poem and your choice of imagery. The “lemon drop” reflections of the weak and setting sun works for me. I faltered a little though,at the use of “capitol” on L4. The impression I had with L8 (present tense) indicated being back home. This made “bridegroom” for me, rather unclear. The use of “asterism” L12 creates an ethereal sense which goes well with the last line, although my preference would have been to 'work in' “glimmers” as opposed to glimmering, but that's just the way I read it. Benjamin.

[waxwings]

This is as musical a poem as I can remember having ever read, and the fictional content is most enchanting while poignant. I am at a slight loss how the lemon drop got in there, and whose capitol (or is it capital) is it. Of course, myreading could be insufficient for decyphering those allusions. Not "In Xanadu..."?

Thanks, Ikars. I was pondering whether the lemon drop/winter sun metaphor was understandable. "Capitol" refers to the speaker's home/capitol city whereas the daughter's capitol is named in the poem. But what I was really wondering was whether it's clear that the bridegroom is the daughter's bridegroom and not the moon's bridegroom ...

 

Tony

 

 

Note:

 

I changed "always" in L5 to "often."

 

When you tell me what "lemon drop" alluydes to the mystery vanishes, but you could say "Sun's lemon drop..." and not hurt the poem's overall tenor not in the least. It wouls make the allusion in "wool" clearer.

 

"Capitol" is the usu. domed building such as legislatures meet in, the city it stands is, however, called the "capital".

 

---Sun's lemon drop, embedded within fleece,

is framed by limbs of oaks in daytime scenes

 

The singular(s) work together saying the same and might be more 'poetic'.

 

Rhyme bracketing (by use in first & last line) is an interesting touch, but is better noticed w/fewer lines in between. When I read the last line, the echoing was lost and I had to look to see it it rhymed w/any prior.

 

I like it when a poem hits me w/o interruption such that I had no other queries other than the almost insignificant ones re lemon drops and "capitol". Upon reresding the plural-plural struck me as not all that effective.

 

Whatever, I rarely have enjoyed a poem as much, and there was no question whose bridegroom was meant.

[tonyv]

Hello Tony. I like this poem and your choice of imagery. The “lemon drop” reflections of the weak and setting sun works for me. I faltered a little though,at the use of “capitol” on L4. The impression I had with L8 (present tense) indicated being back home. This made “bridegroom” for me, rather unclear. The use of “asterism” L12 creates an ethereal sense which goes well with the last line, although my preference would have been to 'work in' “glimmers” as opposed to glimmering, but that's just the way I read it. Benjamin.

Thanks, Benjamin, for your helpful thoughts. You are correct that by L8 the speaker is back home in his "capital," and the daughter is in the other "capital." But his thoughts go back to her and to where he left her. This is why I was wondering if it's clear that the bridegroom is the daughter's bridegroom, or if the grammatical construction indicates that it's the moon's bridegroom.

 

As for "glimmers," I had that in the original ("glimmers like a gem -- a diamond prism! --") but couldn't work it in metrically the way I wanted to, so I went with "glimmering." With these issues, I'm not sure if the poem succeeds or fails, but I appreciate the close reads and feedback.

 

Tony

 

PS -- I see now that Ikars has pointed to significant spelling mistake of mine that might have caused confusion. I used "capitol" when I meant "capital." :icon_redface:

[tonyv]

Thank you, again, Ikars.

 

When you tell me what "lemon drop" alluydes to the mystery vanishes, but you could say "Sun's lemon drop..." and not hurt the poem's overall tenor not in the least. It wouls make the allusion in "wool" clearer.

I love it! I'll apply this one.

 

"Capitol" is the usu. domed building such as legislatures meet in, the city it stands is, however, called the "capital".

And this was a pretty silly but significant mistake of mine. :icon_redface: I can see how it might have added to the confusion. I fixed it. Thank you!

 

---Sun's lemon drop, embedded within fleece,

is framed by limbs of oaks in daytime scenes

 

The singular(s) work together saying the same and might be more 'poetic'.

I love this suggestion, too! I'll apply it.

 

Rhyme bracketing (by use in first & last line) is an interesting touch, but is better noticed w/fewer lines in between. When I read the last line, the echoing was lost and I had to look to see it it rhymed w/any prior.

Yes, I noticed that but left it. I kind of like the subdued effect, the sense of restlessness or "incompleteness," that it imparts.

 

I like it when a poem hits me w/o interruption such that I had no other queries other than the almost insignificant ones re lemon drops and "capitol". Upon reresding the plural-plural struck me as not all that effective.

 

Whatever, I rarely have enjoyed a poem as much, and there was no question whose bridegroom was meant.

[emphasis mine]

 

Thank you very much for this.

 

Tony

[waxwings]

Few minor gaffes cannot mar the per se better poem nor keep the astute reader from enjoying it. Nice of Benjamin to chime in, so it isn't I alone who sounds critical when he isn't. Besides, that poem can be easily edited w/o destroying any part of the fine meanings it is built of.

 

As for tenses, I rail against the rule that the present tense is preferable to put the reader in the now moment of the poem. I prefer to believe that the tense must be true in the chronicity of the poem. Here, all lines but 6 & 7 deal with the present, and, since 4 & 5 are statements of fact, those two can be in the same sentence because they rightly state what was done in the poem's past.

 

Though "moon" is the more immediate precedent, who the "her" of the bridegroom is was established by "left in care of etc." of L7. No grammatical error. But see next paragraph.

 

I am perturbed about L12. The "Now" would be better off in L8 to satisfy Benjamins and my notion that the 'now' of the poem is continued after L's 6 & 7. To not break the rhythm, it is possible to say

 

I like to go outside now, on hard ground,

and look from side to side and all around

when the moon rises--as her bridegroom rose-- ~ this could add insurance re whose bridegroom

on frigid nights of not so sweet repose. ~~~ to pointing to that you are back talking about the moon.

Still higher overhead, an asterism ~~~ The sentence lacks a verb as Benjamin saw

now glimmers like a gem, -- a diamond prism! -- ~~~ a prism does not glimmer, but ? a 'jeweled prism' might pass

---Although I know it, I know not its peace. ~~ what is it that you know, the asterism?

Edited January 28, 2011 by waxwings

[tonyv]

Hello again, Ikars.

 

As for tenses, I rail against the rule that the present tense is preferable to put the reader in the now moment of the poem. I prefer to believe that the tense must be true in the chronicity of the poem. Here, all lines but 6 & 7 deal with the present, and, since 4 & 5 are statements of fact, those two can be in the same sentence because they rightly state what was done in the poem's past.

 

Though "moon" is the more immediate precedent, who the "her" of the bridegroom is was established by "left in care of etc." of L7. No grammatical error. But see next paragraph

Understood and agreed. Thank you for clarifying this point some more.

 

I am perturbed about L12. The "Now" would be better off in L8 to satisfy Benjamins and my notion that the 'now' of the poem is continued after L's 6 & 7. To not break the rhythm, it is possible to say

 

I like to go outside now, on hard ground,

and look from side to side and all around

when the moon rises--as her bridegroom rose-- ~ this could add insurance re whose bridegroom

on frigid nights of not so sweet repose. ~~~ to pointing to that you are back talking about the moon.

Still higher overhead, an asterism ~~~ The sentence lacks a verb as Benjamin saw

now glimmers like a gem, -- a diamond prism! -- ~~~ a prism does not glimmer, but ? a 'jeweled prism' might pass

---Although I know it, I know not its peace. ~~ what is it that you know, the asterism?

This is a good idea, using "now" as you have suggested in L8. Doing so will help establish/maintain the proper chronological sequence of events, and using "still" in L12 makes a whole lot of sense, too. I'll apply both of these suggestions. And if I add "now" to L13 as you show, I can use "glimmers" (as I had in my original but did not post), and employ a verb, as you and Benjamin both noted. Then I would also have another complete sentence in L14.

 

As for the prism, I understand that a prism itself does not glimmer, but I'm hesitant to change that part. Perhaps a prism constructed of diamond material would glimmer, and that's what I mean: a diamond-prism. So long as it's not a fatal flaw, I'd like to keep it. And yes, the speaker "knows" (i.e. is somehow intimately familiar with) this particular unnamed constellation.

 

Thank you again very much for helping me improve this poem.

 

Tony

[dedalus]

Sun's lemon drop, embedded within fleece,

is framed by limb of oak in daytime scenes

and pales through globs of sleet on window screens.

 

 

Dear Tony,

 

I am a quiet fan of your thoughtful poetry, and I started reading this piece with the expectation of liking it, an expectation which gradually faded. We are friends, at least colleagues in the shared endeavour of this forum, and criticism must come from the head as well as the heart. The first three lines are opaque; they introduce and foreshadow little and can be safely dropped. Now, for the rest:

 

My capital of tended fires that smolder

is often cold, but Ulan Bator is colder,

and there I left my daughter in a yurt;

she was loved and cared for and unhurt.

I roamed all over the frozen ground,

from side to side and round and round,

saw the moon rising, as her bridegroom arose

on frigid nights of bitter repose.

---------

dadadadada ... what's happening here?

Is the bridegroom the daughter's new husband?

Is something completely different happening?

--------

Now, high overhead, an asterism

glimmers like a gem -- a diamond prism!

I know; know many things, but know not peace.

 

I had to look up asterism - basically a disorganised wannabe constellation - and I would imagine other dumb people had to do the same. It's useless to say that criticism doesn't piss people off ... because it DOES!! ... so I hope you can accept these comments in the friendly spirit in which they are offered.

 

All the best,

Bren

 

PS. Now I can see that the first line 'fleece' rhymes with the last line 'peace' and that the rest of the poem is composed of rhyming couplets!

Edited January 28, 2011 by dedalus

[tonyv]

Thank you, Brendan. I appreciate your input here a lot.

 

Sun's lemon drop, embedded within fleece,

is framed by limb of oak in daytime scenes

and pales through globs of sleet on window screens.

 

 

... The first three lines are opaque; they introduce and foreshadow little and can be safely dropped.

I thought the same thing about the first three lines. They seemed like too much of a metaphor for the winter sun, but I figured it was okay, because the title of the poem is, after all, "A Winter Day."

 

Now, for the rest:

 

My capital of tended fires that smolder

is often cold, but Ulan Bator is colder,

and there I left my daughter in a yurt;

she was loved and cared for and unhurt.

I roamed all over the frozen ground,

from side to side and round and round,

saw the moon rising, as her bridegroom arose

on frigid nights of bitter repose.

---------

dadadadada ... what's happening here?

Is the bridegroom the daughter's new husband?

Is something completely different happening?

Yes. The poem started out as something about parent/child estrangement, and it kind of morphed into this thing about a father leaving his daughter in a far-away city/country, perhaps in an arranged marriage even. (I had hoped the "frigid" nights would work well with that.) He tries to justify it to himself but ultimately knows no peace.

 

Now, high overhead, an asterism

glimmers like a gem -- a diamond prism!

I know it, know many things, but know not peace.

 

I had to look up asterism - basically a disorganised wannabe constellation - and I would imagine other dumb people had to do the same. It's useless to say that criticism doesn't piss people off ... because it DOES!! ... so I hope you can accept these comments in the friendly spirit in which they are offered.

 

All the best,

Bren

Well, in this case it doesn't piss me off. Nothing has been said by you or anyone in this topic that isn't somehow helpful. I realize I explained the poem a bit in this reply to you, and that there's a school of thought which professes that one should not explain his poem. I also realize that no poem can be to everyone's liking. I'm sorry that this one disappointed you, and I understand. To me, this poem was worth tweaking, and I thoroughly appreciate your honest comments. I've learned from them, and they will prove useful in future endeavors.

 

Tony

[waxwings]

Hello again, Ikars.

 

As for tenses, I rail against the rule that the present tense is preferable to put the reader in the now moment of the poem. I prefer to believe that the tense must be true in the chronicity of the poem. Here, all lines but 6 & 7 deal with the present, and, since 4 & 5 are statements of fact, those two can be in the same sentence because they rightly state what was done in the poem's past.

 

Though "moon" is the more immediate precedent, who the "her" of the bridegroom is was established by "left in care of etc." of L7. No grammatical error. But see next paragraph

Understood and agreed. Thank you for clarifying this point some more.

 

I am perturbed about L12. The "Now" would be better off in L8 to satisfy Benjamins and my notion that the 'now' of the poem is continued after L's 6 & 7. To not break the rhythm, it is possible to say

 

I like to go outside now, on hard ground,

and look from side to side and all around

when the moon rises--as her bridegroom rose-- ~ this could add insurance re whose bridegroom

on frigid nights of not so sweet repose. ~~~ to pointing to that you are back talking about the moon.

Still higher overhead, an asterism ~~~ The sentence lacks a verb as Benjamin saw

now glimmers like a gem, -- a diamond prism! -- ~~~ a prism does not glimmer, but ? a 'jeweled prism' might pass

---Although I know it, I know not its peace. ~~ what is it that you know, the asterism?

This is a good idea, using "now" as you have suggested in L8. Doing so will help establish/maintain the proper chronological sequence of events, and using "still" in L12 makes a whole lot of sense, too. I'll apply both of these suggestions. And if I add "now" to L13 as you show, I can use "glimmers" (as I had in my original but did not post), and employ a verb, as you and Benjamin both noted. Then I would also have another complete sentence in L14.

 

As for the prism, I understand that a prism itself does not glimmer, but I'm hesitant to change that part. Perhaps a prism constructed of diamond material would glimmer, and that's what I mean: a diamond-prism. So long as it's not a fatal flaw, I'd like to keep it. And yes, the speaker "knows" (i.e. is somehow intimately familiar with) this particular unnamed constellation.

 

Thank you again very much for helping me improve this poem.

 

Tony

 

I said make ir a jeweled (not diamond) prism. You need "prism", or you are stuck for a decent rhyme for asterism. (Or was it vice versa? ) But it is the "diamond" that makes the compound noun feel fakey. Diamonds refract light but not like a prism does and a prism can hardly be construcred from a diamond-like material. The compond "bejeweled prism" methinks, draws attention away from the fact that you are 'kind-of forcing the rhyme', and I see nothing wrong in that when a good poem's fame hangs on that. That is why I am much distressed when poets do not work hard enough at mining all the rich and richer possibilities his native language offers. We all know how jewels in general sparkle and glimmer and thus a bejeweled anything would work, so what if is 'shaped' like a prism. I hope you see that what I am driving at is that being patient to find the better word is what makes poetry out of prose.

 

BTW, you kept the non-functional "the" (and screwed up your nice rhythm) when add ing the "now" to "on hard ground". It is non-functional since it would be needed only to differentiate "the hard ground" from "the soft ground", if there was such in the poem.

[tonyv]

I said make ir a jeweled (not diamond) prism. You need "prism", or you are stuck for a decent rhyme for asterism. (Or was it vice versa? ) But it is the "diamond" that makes the compound noun feel fakey. Diamonds refract light but not like a prism does and a prism can hardly be construcred from a diamond-like material. The compond "bejeweled prism" methinks, draws attention away from the fact that you are 'kind-of forcing the rhyme', and I see nothing wrong in that when a good poem's fame hangs on that.

I got that part, Ikars, but I said I wanted to keep diamond if it's not a fatal flaw. I definitely want asterism/prism, and I don't think it's forced; there's no unusual inversion or archaic syntax employed to make it happen. But okay, I see that "diamond" is problematic. Though I'm not thrilled with it, I'll consider "bejeweled" some more and maybe change it to that if I can't come up with anything else.

 

That is why I am much distressed when poets do not work hard enough at mining all the rich and richer possibilities his native language offers. We all know how jewels in general sparkle and glimmer and thus a bejeweled anything would work, so what if is 'shaped' like a prism. I hope you see that what I am driving at is that being patient to find the better word is what makes poetry out of prose.

But I do, I do ... I'm trying. :)

 

BTW, you kept the non-functional "the" (and screwed up your nice rhythm) when add ing the "now" to "on hard ground". It is non-functional since it would be needed only to differentiate "the hard ground" from "the soft ground", if there was such in the poem.

Yes. Thank you. That was a mistake. I fixed/omitted it.

 

Tony

[Benjamin]

Asterism on the suface of a blue star sapphire

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asterism_(gemmology)

Edited January 28, 2011 by Benjamin

[tonyv]

Asterism on the suface of a blue star sapphire

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asterism_(gemmology)

Thanks, Benjamin. I'll check this out. I was using "asterism" in the typical sense as a synonym for constellation, but this gemmology angle might make it even more relevant and could give me some additional ideas when I take another look at the diamond/bejeweled matter.

 

Tony

[waxwings]

To conserve space while being able to see what I am responding to, I am erasing, in reverse order, parts of your 'rebuttals'.

 

It is not just like rolling off a log to do fixes of your'child' and it never pays to be in a rush when editing your poem in light of someone elses say so, no matter who the someone.

 

The compound "bejeweled prism" methinks, draws attention away from the fact that you are 'kind-of forcing the rhyme', and I see nothing wrong in that when a good poem's fame hangs on that.

I got that part, Ikars, but I said I wanted to keep diamond if it's not a fatal flaw. I definitely want asterism/prism, and I don't think it's forced; there's no unusual inversion or archaic syntax employed to make it happen. But okay, I see that "diamond" is problematic. Though I'm not thrilled with it, I'll consider "bejeweled" some more and maybe change it to that if I can't come up with anything else.

 

It is the rhyme (prism) that matters. The asterism-like three-star set parallels a prism's usu. triangular cross section. That configuration "glimmers" like a "gem". A prism does not 'glimmer' merely refract a beam of white light into a spectrum of its component colors. Using "diamond" may not constitute a 'fatal fault' but overemphasizes what is already a 'poetic' departure from reality that is not recommended, ever. If you dislike "bejeweled" (gem-studded), there is the "a jeweled prism" alternative , parallel to "glimmering gem", that I must have forgotten to include earlier.

 

As for 'rhyme forcing', that easily happens, because a poet cannot deny the central concept for which not every apt and right word that comes to mind automatically has a rhyme that fits a conventional syntax. When added to it is the need to sustain a given stress pattern, one gets a line that may be awkward even if true. That is where better mastery of language and vocabulary comes in. It may be mostly talent, but to ignore craft is foolish.

That is why I am much distressed

But I do, I do ... I'm trying. :)that I forgot (I think) to include.

 

 

And I am also trying, very trying. [:-{

 

BTW, you kept the non-functional "the"

 

Yes. Thank you. That was a mistake. I fixed/omitted it.

 

Tony

[Aleksandra]

Tony, this poem makes me so happy because I see something different from you. I loved your metaphorical expression at the beginning of this poem with only lemon drop, because it fits all along with the rest of the metaphors. When you say Sun's lemon drop, well the metaphor is weaker, because you have explanation that refers to the lemon drop. It was making a perfect sense and wonderful image, IMO. But ok, maybe you are using it with sun's now because of other reasons that I am not aware of.

 

I like the usage of Ulan Bator, where is so cold. You presented an interesting character of a father who it seems is kind of weak personality full with excuses, aware of the truth but trying not to see his own guilt...

 

This was wonderful poem and I would say melancholic, too.

 

I loved it.

 

Aleksandra

[badger11]

That's quite an eclectic blend of knotted, elevated, poetic, oblique, etc

 

Either way the parts made the whole, with the mind's attention drawn to the web of words.

 

enjoyed

 

badge

[Tinker]

Hi Tony, The musicality of this sonnet is apparent. Although I wonder if a sonnet is the right form for this piece. Sonnets are usually a meditation of sorts, rarely used as a narrative. And you are telling a story. One which seems to me to need more lines. I haven't read all of the commentary, it all just seemed way too much to take on. I just thought I would give you my perspective.

 

The rhyme scheme unique, which I thought interesting... A sort of full circle approach with the first and last lines rhyming and 6 couplets inbetween on the even-odd lines rather than the usual odd-even lines. It gives an eastern feel that actually fits with the content.

 

It took me a couple of reads to understand that the capital of the narrator was not that of his daughter's and her groom. I didn't quite understand why. Maybe it was a politically arranged marriage with hope of making a peace but that wasn't clarified, I needed more info and more emotion. I wasn't sure what the father was feeling. Was the girl raised for just such an alliance and the father considered her chattel or was she daddy's girl and he was torn between duty and love... none of those emotions came through. Yes he left her unhurt which would suggest he cares but it sounded kind of business like.

 

So I guess I am saying, don't abandon the form because it is unique and interesting and fits the content to a point. But only to a point, maybe more couplets in the center to expand, clarify and emote would address my questions, it might just take one or two more. It looks like this is one of those poems that has taken on a larger life than originally intended. But honestly, I am intrigued and would love to see what you do with this.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

Thank you, Alek, for your thoughtful reply.

 

I loved your metaphorical expression at the beginning of this poem with only lemon drop, because it fits all along with the rest of the metaphors. When you say Sun's lemon drop, well the metaphor is weaker, because you have explanation that refers to the lemon drop. It was making a perfect sense and wonderful image, IMO. But ok, maybe you are using it with sun's now because of other reasons that I am not aware of.

I agree about the metaphor becoming not so much of a metaphor with the addition of "sun's," but it seems that I had to do it. I just think it was too obscure for most people. In fact, I'm not so sure you even got it until we had talked about it in some detail. ;)

 

I like the usage of Ulan Bator, where is so cold. You presented an interesting character of a father who it seems is kind of weak personality full with excuses, aware of the truth but trying not to see his own guilt...

That's exactly what I was trying to show.

 

Tony

[tonyv]

That's quite an eclectic blend of knotted, elevated, poetic, oblique, etc

 

Either way the parts made the whole, with the mind's attention drawn to the web of words.

 

enjoyed

 

badge

Eclectic is good ... I like eclectic.:) And I like how you summed this up. Thanks, Badge!

 

Tony

[tonyv]

Hi Tink,

 

Thanks for giving me your thoughts on this, too.

 

... I wonder if a sonnet is the right form for this piece. Sonnets are usually a meditation of sorts, rarely used as a narrative. And you are telling a story. One which seems to me to need more lines. I haven't read all of the commentary, it all just seemed way too much to take on. I just thought I would give you my perspective.

It's an interesting perspective that this is a narrative. I thought it more a lyrical meditation.

 

The rhyme scheme unique, which I thought interesting... A sort of full circle approach with the first and last lines rhyming and 6 couplets inbetween on the even-odd lines rather than the usual odd-even lines. It gives an eastern feel that actually fits with the content.

I like the full circle characterization. That's somewhat of a small success.

 

It took me a couple of reads to understand that the capital of the narrator was not that of his daughter's and her groom. I didn't quite understand why. Maybe it was a politically arranged marriage with hope of making a peace but that wasn't clarified, I needed more info and more emotion. I wasn't sure what the father was feeling. Was the girl raised for just such an alliance and the father considered her chattel or was she daddy's girl and he was torn between duty and love... none of those emotions came through. Yes he left her unhurt which would suggest he cares but it sounded kind of business like.

Yes, these are things I wasn't keen to expound upon. I was hoping the poem's lyrical qualities would make up for unanswered questions. It seems not.

 

So I guess I am saying, don't abandon the form because it is unique and interesting and fits the content to a point. But only to a point, maybe more couplets in the center to expand, clarify and emote would address my questions, it might just take one or two more. It looks like this is one of those poems that has taken on a larger life than originally intended. But honestly, I am intrigued and would love to see what you do with this.

More couplets would fit the narrative characterization you made, but I don't think I'll do much more with this. I'll just let it ride. From the general consensus of replies (all very much appreciated), it seems that this poem only has about a 40% approval rate.

 

Tony

[dedalus]

Hey, 40% is good!! Anyway, the main thing is to keep writing, write some more, and never stop writing ....

[waxwings]

I knew the printer's use of asterism and was glad to find, via Benjamin, about its meaning in gemology. Apparently my instictive hunch was right, that a jeweled (not bejewweled) prism is by far more realistic/true.

 

A prism, no matter what it is 'made' of (cut from one large but not several glued together diamonds) would still merely refract (white light into its color compomenta) not glimmer.

 

I am done analyzing, and here are my last shots at perhaps boosting style.

 

---Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ iialics mark a good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

 

My capital, of tended fires that smolder,

is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder;

and there I left my daughter in a yurt.

I left her taken care of and unhurt.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Still higher. overhead, an asterism

now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism!

 

As tinker says, this has the sweetness and gravity of a sonnet, and no wonder. It is a quatorzain 14-line form poems/family of which sonnets are a member. And there is a volta, but as a modern poet would, you put it in a place not same as sonnets would.

 

No matter the syntax etc., it is a most wonderful read. Thank you for it.

 

BTW, I gave my wife a star saphire ring on our engagement.

Edited February 2, 2011 by waxwings

[tonyv]

Thanks again, Brendan and Ikars.

 

Hey, 40% is good!! Anyway, the main thing is to keep writing, write some more, and never stop writing ....

I suppose it's better than 10% But really, thank you again for the encouragement. :)

 

I knew the printer's use of asterism and was glad to find, via Benjamin, about its meaning in gemology. Apparently my instictive hunch was right, that a jeweled (not bejewweled) prism is by far more realistic/true.

 

A prism, no matter what it is 'made' of (cut from one large but not several glued together diamonds) would still merely refract (white light into its color compomenta) not glimmer.

 

I am done analyzing, and here are my last shots at perhaps boosting style.

 

---Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ iialics mark a good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

 

My capital, of tended fires that smolder,

is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder;

and there I left my daughter in a yurt.

I left her taken care of and unhurt.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Still higher. overhead, an asterism

now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism!

And thank you, again, too, Ikars for all the time you've put into helping me with this one. I finally get it: a prism only does what a prism can do, not more. I like "jeweled." (I think it was the "bejeweled" I didn't like at first.) It has a nice sound and makes sense, logically. I changed it. I also added the commas in L4, which doesn't seem like a correct use of the punctuation, but if you suggested it, it probably is.

 

And thank you also for this:

 

As tinker says, this has the sweetness and gravity of a sonnet, and no wonder. It is a quatorzain 14-line form poems/family of which sonnets are a member. And there is a volta, but as a modern poet would, you put it in a place not same as sonnets would.

 

No matter the syntax etc., it is a most wonderful read. Thank you for it.

With appreciation,

 

Tony

[waxwings]

Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ Italics mark good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ 'cocooned' more Anglo-Saxon vs. the Norman/French 'embedded'

 

My capital, of tended fires that smolder, ~ appositive commas ='city' omitted but understood

is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder; ~ underlined is main clause

and there I left my daughter in a yurt.

I left her taken care of and unhurt.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Still higher. overhead, an asterism ~ 'overhead' is adjectival modifier re-inforcing "still higher"

now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism!

 

A poem as well thought out as this is worth more of my time to perhaps make it perfect. I was close to falling asleep when I posted previous and forgot a few, supportive to my edits, notes. Please do question them, for I am not omnipotent.

Edited February 3, 2011 by waxwings

[tonyv]

Thanks, again, Ikars.

 

Sun's lemon drop, cocooned in fleece, ~ Italics mark good example of simple metaphor.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ 'cocooned' more Anglo-Saxon vs. the Norman/French 'embedded'

I think a little bit of the Latinate is not such a bad thing when the poem has plenty of Anglo-Saxon (with the exception of maybe "asterism"). I need it here for the meter. Besides, "embedded" is a fine word. But it's good to pay attention to this, and I do most of the time.

 

My capital, of tended fires that smolder, ~ appositive commas ='city' omitted but understood

is often cold, but Ulan Bator's colder; ~ underlined is main clause

and there I left my daughter in a yurt.

I left her taken care of and unhurt.

Thank you for the additional clarification/explanation.

 

Still higher. overhead, an asterism ~ 'overhead' is adjectival modifier re-inforcing "still higher"

now glimmers like a gem -- a jeweled prism!

I'll add the commas.

 

Tony