Benjamin Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 Squatting on his haunches with a morbid obsession for ants. He dug little trenches in the soil, the boy in muddy pants. Filling them with water procured in tins from a garden tap. Then, suppressing laughter, watched the tiny creatures circumvent more snags that he'd invent. And like some ancient lord, untouchable and omnipotent, the moment he was bored, did shovel aside their last remnant to start his game again. And I, sat and read my newspaper on the back garden lawn, with conscience, snacks, a drink-in-a-can, and floods in Pakistan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I could see the picture Benjamin. As always smoothly written and engaging, with the morality and indifference of ourselves/gods/the Sunday reader captured. As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods,They kill us for their sport. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Squatting on his haunches with a morbid obsession for ants. He dug little trenches in the soil, the boy in muddy pants. Hi Geoff, I love those lines..... The rest of the piece is not bad either but those first 4 lines reminded me of my son when he was little. I love the whole concept of the piece. The form interested me too. The 9 line stanzas with a primary syllabic pattern of 6-9-6-9-6-9-6 (the 9 syllable lines are sometimes 8 or 10) are musical. Even the rhyme scheme ababcxcdd felt familiar but I couldn't pin it to an established form. Nicely done. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) Thanks for reading and commenting Badge, an apt quote from The Bard. :icon_sunny: Hi Tink. Thanks to you also. The idea for this poem came from a spontaneous flashback to my boyhood (c. 1952 :icon_eek: ) of watching my younger brother at play. The mind is a wonderful instrument of association: triggering images previously buried in the subconscious of a lifetime's experience. I chose the 6 and 9 syllable lines to suit speech rhythms of what I wanted to say. One rhythm for a 9 syllable line is “pa-RAP-a-ta-PUM-ti-TUM-ti-TUM” usually followed by “i-AMB i-AMB i-AMB” That is much too overbearing, with a jingoistic tone reminiscent of some Kipling refrain. Starting with the 6 syllable line my intention was to weaken the stresses and vary the speech rhythm using carefully chosen words to attain an entirely different effect. I'm not aware that this conforms to an established form although I must have read something similar to have made a note of the rhyme scheme, which I rather like. Geoff. :icon_sunny: Edited January 31, 2011 by Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 ... I chose the 6 and 9 syllable lines to suit speech rhythms of what I wanted to say. One rhythm for a 9 syllable line is “pa-RAP-a-ta-PUM-ti-TUM-ti-TUM” usually followed by “i-AMB i-AMB i-AMB” That is much too overbearing, with a jingoistic tone reminiscent of some Kipling refrain. Starting with the 6 syllable line my intention was to weaken the stresses and vary the speech rhythm using carefully chosen words to attain an entirely different effect ... Thank you, Benjamin, for providing some insight into the crafting of this poem. Very interesting. And the last line delivers an effective and thought-provoking comparison. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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