badger11 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) Picture her room so free of bric-a-brac, and memories in black and white now brim the flowery bin, until like butterflies softly his lies flutter to flame. Yet hear within this warming glove a sigh unwraps the hour, shivers the light. Like snow it drapes her face: a pulse of solitude. It's then she spies a silver trail, a straying snail, so snug in brittle shell it knows no sigh, no lover's pride adorns its crisp demise. Find Mary's room so cleansed of bric-a-brac. Edited March 23, 2011 by badger11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Hi Badge, I really enjoyed reading this. I thought it a little strange. It actually sounds light hearted almost whimsical yet when I read the piece carefully Mary is burning pictures, probably of her ex lover which would suggest anger though the poem doesn't sound angry at all. It warms her and she feels comfortable in her solitude. Then a little sadness because in the process of burning the image of her ex, she burns up an innocent snail. Eeeewhoo. What is a snail doing in her room? The demise of the snail is kind of a sick funny. Then maybe I misread it entirely. I loved the form. The metric tercets were great but what was best was the nonrhyme that gave me the sound of rhyme.. brac/brim/flame sigh/snow/solitude snail/sigh/demise brac/black brim/bin snail/snug sigh/pride. This was really good. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 Perhaps Mary is a bit envious of the snail's carefree existence? So envious she puts an end to it! This is tight, Badge. The middle verse is exquisite. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) Many thanks Tink. The poem is about...this is one of the most important responses to me because I want to know how the poem communicates, what succeeds and what does not in terms of intention, if indeed the poem has its own intention. However, I was particularly pleased you enjoyed and highlighted my games with sound. all the best badge Edited January 31, 2011 by badger11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 Perhaps Mary is a bit envious of the snail's carefree existence? Hi Tony I wouldn't say she was envious or that the snail is 'carefree'. I guess it depends whether she believes a 'sigh' colours life...or a death...or if ignorance/indifference/detachment...unwareness...acceptance without regret...but then the snail did stray from the garden! badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 A most enjoyable piece which observes well the 'show don't tell' ethic. A tactful mixture of rich vowel sounds and sibilance. I particularly liked “unwraps the hour, shivers the light.” Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Well, badge, this is a very ambitious poem, in some way. :) I loved the sound of solitude, and the way how this poem is straight but still it holds some part that makes its reader curious, which I loved. Wonderful Mary poem :). I like Mary, a lot. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 A most enjoyable piece which observes well the 'show don't tell' ethic. A tactful mixture of rich vowel sounds and sibilance. I particularly liked "unwraps the hour, shivers the light." Benjamin Thank you Benjamin. I little indulgent by me, but I enjoyed the fun... cheers badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 and the way how this poem is straight but still it holds some part that makes its reader curious Appreciated Aleks. I'm always seeking that balance between direct and indirect. Pleased the poem aroused your curiousity... badge :wine2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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