fdelano Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Some members here have seen this piece, but feel free to comment if you wish. skipping hopscotch advancing our stones through the maze drawn with a stick come inside quick Roosevelt on the radio Pearl Harbor bombed by the Japanese adults grave and silent then “We’re in a war” soon back in the yard skipping hopscotch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Franklin, how is it I've never seen this one, before now? Excellent. Mom has talked about this day, all my life. The way you've laid this fine, short piece out, speaks of the times and perhaps some of the differences in children then and now. Playing away, minding your own business, dragged in by adults who in their own shock, confusion, fear, etc. feel the need to be sure the kids understand what's going on, but without the tube and the computer to offer up live footage of what war really looks like, kids in those days were not offered the real life experience, leaving it vague and remote, so of course, out of the young minds and back to the job of being children. Their understanding came later. I love your 'plain speak' in these works. t Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Hi Paco, I like the concept of this one. It is very believable. I remember sitting around the radio as a kid. To see footage of the news you had to go to the movies which we didn't do until I was older. Got our first TV when I was 10 years old. My family was the first on the block to have a TV. I was an infant when that infamous day arrived so have no recollection of that particular broadcast. My college boyfriend was actually born in Pearl Harbor on December 6, 1941. His Dad was in the Navy stationed at Pearl Harbor and luckily survived the attack although it is a pretty good bet he wasn't with his wife during childbirth. I think this is the kind of poem that will inspire anecdotes. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Well, this kind of subject is always hard to express, to read, or write. I agree with Tinker, this poem has a good concept. Welcome, fdelano! Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 This is really good. As moonqueen points out the adults want the kids to understand the importance of what is happening, but because they are kids it simply doesn't register and they go back to their hopscotch. Just a thought department: if you could find a rhyme for "Japanese" in the first line of S3, it would match the "quick" and "stick" of S1 and S2. Oh, and welcome aboard! dedalus Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I am not , as a rule a 'fan' of cummingesque approaches (No caps, punctuation) but, occasionally, it works. Here, a very logical presentation of significant scraps is done in a logical order that precludes any misinterpretation such as can happen in that kind of approach. Duncan's suggestion is great, but how do you reorganize any of so compressed lines to put in that rhyme. I don't think "Roosevelt, at ill ease...." would do. But there is ... sneeze, ... breaze, ... please, even ...grease. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Thank you all. The poem is as close to what happened as I can remember. We were playing Hopscotch because I had two older sisters, and we played whatever they wanted. I was five then. I wanted the text to fit the age. Quick and stick are accidental rhymes, but I thought would not distract the reader. I think I would take out one of words rather than making it rhyme consistently. WW, not even having heard of e. e. cummings until a few years ago and having not read much since, I didn't think of emulating him, but there does seem some similarity in form only. I write pretty much whatever tumbles out of my head in whatever form it wants to take. A lot to learn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 When thoughts come "tumbling out" after having first hand experience of turbulent times, it's perhaps a most honest and accurate way of expression. You capture well the essence of that particular time. Geoff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 "come inside quick Roosevelt on the radio Pearl Harbor bombed by the Japanese" Franklin, perhaps in order to avoid the appearance there even might exist a possibility you have missed a rhyming opportunity, remove "quick" entirely and at the beginning of the line, insert "hurry" hurry come inside Roosevelt on the radio Pearl Harbor bombed by the Japanese Or, you could leave it the way you wrote it. Just a thought, I know rhyme plays little to no part in your work, Paco & is usually an accident (as with this). Regardless, this is a great piece for your 'GiG' series and there isn't a damned thing wrong with it, in my opinion. t Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Duncan?? Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Looks like you're stuck with that handle, Duncan. LMAO It is easier to pronounce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Oh, well ... a thoughtful poem and a name change, all in one. Can't be bad! ;) Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Terrific poem, Franklin. The presentation and mood bring to mind a favorite, "1926," by Weldon Kees. I like what I've seen of these "Growing Up in Georgia" memoirs. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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