Lake Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) Looking out the Window Looking out the window in January, the morning sky misty with drizzling snow, you can feel the excitement of threads of light pushing through, like stage lighting, illuminating, focusing, lacing the firmament with all colors of life. 。 Edited February 17, 2011 by Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank E Gibbard Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Sweet conveyance of the nature around and about Lake, very nice. Wish I could share the light you have access to - so dull in these parts. Frank Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thanks Frank for the read and comment. It started grey actually, then when I looked further, I saw the promising lights. Cheers, Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Very nice, Lake. Your poem, Frank's comment, and your follow-up reply to him gives a nice sense of not alone. I love the "threads of light pushing through" and the stage lighting simile. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Very powerful piece, Lake. I enjoyed reading this amazing poem. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Lake, I have enjoyed reading this piece, several times. Beautiful imagery. Thanks for sharing. moonqueen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Strong clear images illuminated the essence of this dull grey San Francisco day- Great Lake! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Hi Tony, you are a detailed reader and always get what the writer intended. Thanks much! Hi Alek, thank you for your comment. I wish I could be able to write things as powerful as yours. Hi moonquen, glad you liked the image. Many thanks. Dr. con, now it snow again and has been snowing for the whole day! Thank you for reading. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) I apologize for effecting a double post. Isn't there away to eliminate one when it happens unintentionally? Or isn't there a mechanism for blocking a post if it is already 'on file' by name and esp. content!!!!! Edited February 21, 2011 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) So much has been said about this powerful observation/poem I waited to put in a general suggestion or two. It is one tenet of current poem writing that putting in as many verbs (not gerunds, except when used well and proper as you do) makes the poem more energetic rather than static/passive. Moreover, it is possible that the delvery of it, in reading can be enhanced by less clipped a speech, one that leaves out connective words like articles, conjunctions, pronouns, even the prepositions mandatory to the relationship we are habituated in simple everyday speech. Here is a annotated copy, to demonstrate. Looking out the Window Looking out the window in January, the morning sky is misty, with drizzling snow, and you can feel the excitement in of threads of light / pushing through, like stage lighting-- illuminating, focusing, lacing the firmament with all the colors of life. 。 BTW The -ing words you use are the continuous tense of the verb(s) not the same part(s) of speech that gerunds (nouns, adjectives) are used as. Edited February 21, 2011 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Hello Lake. I read this a couple of times a few days ago though left no comment at that time. I enjoyed the concept very much though felt it needed some tweaking, Looking at waxwings' suggestions I feel he has put his finger on things which make it read much better. I particularly like “and you can feel the excitement/ in threads of light” also, “lacing the firmament/ with all the colors of life.” :icon_cool: Benjamin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Thanks waxwings for your linguistic, grammarian expertise. I've been expecting for it. I read your general suggestions a couple of times, here are some of my thoughts and questions: Looking out the Window Looking out the window in January, the morning sky is misty, with drizzling snow, Do I have to use a complete sentence. Would a phrase work in a poem? and you can feel the excitement in of threads of light Is there a difference between "of" and "in" here, or is "of " wrong in this context? pushing through, like stage lighting-- I will have another look at the use of dash. illuminating, focusing, lacing the firmament with all the colors of life. I have hard time deciding when to use articles such as this one. BTW The -ing words you use are the continuous tense of the verb(s) not the same part(s) of speech that gerunds (nouns, adjectives) are used as. Exactly, that's what in my mind. Thank you as always ww. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Thanks waxwings for your linguistic, grammarian expertise. I've been expecting for it. I read your general suggestions a couple of times, here are some of my thoughts and questions: Looking out the Window Looking out the window in January, the morning sky is misty, with drizzling snow, Do I have to use a complete sentence. Would a phrase work in a poem? Yes, a phrase or a clause does work, because both can stand alone or be part(s) of a sentence of a sentence. A complete sentence can be just a phrase or a clause. "Why not?" can be taken, I suppose, as a phrase, a clause or a sentence, but the longer, complete sentence will have more than one of either or both, phrases and/or clauses. In poetry, the more condensed, brief utterance can sometimes do even better than a sentence. But you are using a complete sentence, because the verb is implied. It is my take however that omitting verbs can make a poetic statement less fluid. It all depends on coten, context, cadence etc. That is why I suggested the insertion of the "is". This is where a poet's craft is strerched to use language in a way to get across the message the poet desires. and you can feel the excitement in of threads of light Is there a difference between "of" and "in" here, or is "of " wrong in this context? Some things cannot be explained by any rule, and only a certain degree of familiarity with a language (as I should have learned? :icon_redface: ) provides the feel of what is best, not either right or wrong. Here my take is that "excitement" is not an atribute (of), such as color or brightness but something intrinsic, sensed but not seen. pushing through, like stage lighting-- I will have another look at the use of dash. illuminating, focusing, lacing the firmament with all the colors of life. I have hard time deciding when to use articles such as this one. I think that, in this case "the" adds emphasis, i.e., that indeed all the colors, possible and impossible, are present. Not being a native English dpewker, I may not have yet absorbed all, but all the color" seems to be a common idiom, and omitting the article may be seen as odd, not quite kosher. Remember, articleas are qualifiers/modifirers/adjectives more so in Germanic tongues that use articles. In Latvian, we use no articles, but there are special pronouns used to declare whether something is definite or indefinite. How about Chinese? BTW The -ing words you use are the continuous tense of the verb(s) not the same part(s) of speech that gerunds (nouns, adjectives) are used as. Exactly, that's what in my mind. The idiom is "that is what's in..." Thank you as always ww. Lake You are most welcome. I had to suffer a lot of mocking at times, because not always is there a kindred soul. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Hi Lake, Reading this poem I was struck by the beautiful literal description of this scene. It is precise and clear but it doesn't seem to me to carry emotion. You tell us "you can feel the excitement" but in truth I can't feel it. I'm not being critical of your poem which is well written. I only comment because I too struggle with this in my own work, making that connection between the image I see and feel and the words I use to paint that image for others. I don't really have an answer for the fix I just feel like it needs fixing to make that transition from "a poem" to "poetry". I have been touched by your work on many occasions. just recently I read your Drinking with Li Po which vibrated with emotion. I felt it, teared up reading it. It was magical. It easily makes the transition from poem to poetry and then some. I use the comparison more in my own mind to try and figure out why one crosses over and one does not even though both are well written. I wish I had the solution. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hi Lake, It's been a while since I read your work and I am struck by how well you use imagery and a sparseness of language. This imparts a fabulous delicate, ethereal touch to the imagery. I particularly love these details: threads of light pushing through, like stage lighting, lluminating, focusing, lacing the firmament with all colors of life. You've captured beautifully the way light plays both on the state of mind and the natural surroundings. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Looking out the Window Looking out the window in January, the morning sky misty with drizzling snow, you can feel the excitement of threads of light pushing through, like stage lighting, illuminating, focusing, lacing the firmament with all colors of life. 。 I enjoy photo-poems like this, though I must admit that I find the description "misty with drizzling snow" a bit confusing. But, it is your poem. Different eyes = different windows. Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I like it just for the moment in time. I see myself with a cup of coffee, looking out my northward windows, cheered by the rays of sun through the snow. Adrift in the midst of plenty. Thank you. fdh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Thank you all. I just wanted to say I read all the comments and spent time thinking and appreciate your time and kind words. Benjamin, thank you for letting me know which part/parts you like and what area needs to be fixed. Tinker, thank you for your feedback. Yes, sometimes I find it not so easy to make connections between images and feelings. As you say, I need to work harder to make that transition from "a poem" to "poetry". Thank you for your advice. golden, your poem is always a good example I look up to for how the imagery is used to convey the feelings. Thanks. Gatekeeper, thanks for reading and leaving your words for me to read. Yes, different eyes, different windows. fdh, I'm so pleased to see how you read and get from the poem. Thank you. ww. thanks again. Just a short reply to your question above. The Chinese language doesn't use definite articles, but it uses a lot of numeral-classifier compounds. In English it is ok to say 'a table' a 'chair', but in Chinese it is 'a zhāng table', ' a bǎ chair'... Thanks everyone. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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