Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus

Looking out the Window


Lake
 Share

Recommended Posts

Looking out the Window

 

Looking out the window

in January, the morning sky

misty with drizzling snow,

you can feel the excitement

of threads of light pushing

through, like stage lighting,

illuminating, focusing, lacing

the firmament with all colors of life.

 

Edited by Lake
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Frank E Gibbard

Sweet conveyance of the nature around and about Lake, very nice. Wish I could share the light you have access to - so dull in these parts. Frank

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Frank for the read and comment. It started grey actually, then when I looked further, I saw the promising lights.

 

Cheers,

 

Lake

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Very nice, Lake. Your poem, Frank's comment, and your follow-up reply to him gives a nice sense of not alone. I love the "threads of light pushing through" and the stage lighting simile.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lake, I have enjoyed reading this piece, several times. Beautiful imagery. Thanks for sharing.

 

moonqueen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Strong clear images illuminated the essence of this dull grey San Francisco day-

 

Great Lake!

 

DC&J

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

Gate(less.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Tony, you are a detailed reader and always get what the writer intended. Thanks much!

 

Hi Alek, thank you for your comment. I wish I could be able to write things as powerful as yours.

 

Hi moonquen, glad you liked the image. Many thanks.

 

Dr. con, now it snow again and has been snowing for the whole day! Thank you for reading.

 

Lake

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I apologize for effecting a double post. Isn't there away to eliminate one when it happens unintentionally? Or isn't there a mechanism for blocking a post if it is already 'on file' by name and esp. content!!!!!

Edited by waxwings
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So much has been said about this powerful observation/poem I waited to put in a general suggestion or two.

 

It is one tenet of current poem writing that putting in as many verbs (not gerunds, except when used well and proper as you do) makes the poem more energetic rather than static/passive. Moreover, it is possible that the delvery of it, in reading can be enhanced by less clipped a speech, one that leaves out connective words like articles, conjunctions, pronouns, even the prepositions mandatory to the relationship we are habituated in simple everyday speech. Here is a annotated copy, to demonstrate.

 

Looking out the Window

 

Looking out the window

in January, the morning sky

is misty, with drizzling snow,

and you can feel the excitement

in of threads of light /

pushing through, like stage lighting--

illuminating, focusing,

lacing the firmament

with all the colors of life.

 

 

BTW The -ing words you use are the continuous tense of the verb(s) not the same part(s) of speech that gerunds (nouns, adjectives) are used as.

Edited by waxwings
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Lake.

I read this a couple of times a few days ago though left no comment at that time. I enjoyed the concept very much though felt it needed some tweaking, Looking at waxwings' suggestions I feel he has put his finger on things which make it read much better. I particularly like “and you can feel the excitement/ in threads of light” also, “lacing the firmament/ with all the colors of life.” :icon_cool: Benjamin.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks waxwings for your linguistic, grammarian expertise. I've been expecting for it.

 

I read your general suggestions a couple of times, here are some of my thoughts and questions:

 

Looking out the Window

 

Looking out the window

in January, the morning sky

is misty, with drizzling snow, Do I have to use a complete sentence. Would a phrase work in a poem?

and you can feel the excitement

in of threads of light Is there a difference between "of" and "in" here, or is "of " wrong in this context?

pushing through, like stage lighting-- I will have another look at the use of dash.

illuminating, focusing,

lacing the firmament

with all the colors of life. I have hard time deciding when to use articles such as this one.

 

 

 

BTW The -ing words you use are the continuous tense of the verb(s) not the same part(s) of speech that gerunds (nouns, adjectives) are used as. Exactly, that's what in my mind.

 

Thank you as always ww.

 

Lake

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks waxwings for your linguistic, grammarian expertise. I've been expecting for it.

 

I read your general suggestions a couple of times, here are some of my thoughts and questions:

 

Looking out the Window

 

Looking out the window

in January, the morning sky

is misty, with drizzling snow, Do I have to use a complete sentence. Would a phrase work in a poem?

 

Yes, a phrase or a clause does work, because both can stand alone or be part(s) of a sentence of a sentence. A complete sentence can be just a phrase or a clause. "Why not?" can be taken, I suppose, as a phrase, a clause or a sentence, but the longer, complete sentence will have more than one of either or both, phrases and/or clauses. In poetry, the more condensed, brief utterance can sometimes do even better than a sentence.

 

But you are using a complete sentence, because the verb is implied. It is my take however that omitting verbs can make a poetic statement less fluid. It all depends on coten, context, cadence etc. That is why I suggested the insertion of the "is". This is where a poet's craft is strerched to use language in a way to get across the message the poet desires.

 

and you can feel the excitement

in of threads of light Is there a difference between "of" and "in" here, or is "of " wrong in this context?

 

Some things cannot be explained by any rule, and only a certain degree of familiarity with a language (as I should have learned? :icon_redface: ) provides the feel of what is best, not either right or wrong. Here my take is that "excitement" is not an atribute (of), such as color or brightness but something intrinsic, sensed but not seen.

 

pushing through, like stage lighting-- I will have another look at the use of dash.

illuminating, focusing,

lacing the firmament

with all the colors of life. I have hard time deciding when to use articles such as this one.

 

I think that, in this case "the" adds emphasis, i.e., that indeed all the colors, possible and impossible, are present. Not being a native English dpewker, I may not have yet absorbed all, but all the color" seems to be a common idiom, and omitting the article may be seen as odd, not quite kosher. Remember,

articleas are qualifiers/modifirers/adjectives more so in Germanic tongues that use articles. In Latvian, we use no articles, but there are special pronouns used to declare whether something is definite or indefinite. How about Chinese?

 

 

BTW The -ing words you use are the continuous tense of the verb(s) not the same part(s) of speech that gerunds (nouns, adjectives) are used as. Exactly, that's what in my mind.

The idiom is "that is what's in..."

 

Thank you as always ww.

 

Lake

 

You are most welcome. I had to suffer a lot of mocking at times, because not always is there a kindred soul.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Lake, Reading this poem I was struck by the beautiful literal description of this scene. It is precise and clear but it doesn't seem to me to carry emotion. You tell us "you can feel the excitement" but in truth I can't feel it. I'm not being critical of your poem which is well written. I only comment because I too struggle with this in my own work, making that connection between the image I see and feel and the words I use to paint that image for others. I don't really have an answer for the fix I just feel like it needs fixing to make that transition from "a poem" to "poetry".

 

I have been touched by your work on many occasions. just recently I read your Drinking with Li Po which vibrated with emotion. I felt it, teared up reading it. It was magical. It easily makes the transition from poem to poetry and then some. I use the comparison more in my own mind to try and figure out why one crosses over and one does not even though both are well written. I wish I had the solution.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

It's been a while since I read your work and I am struck by how well you use imagery and a sparseness of language. This imparts a fabulous delicate, ethereal touch to the imagery. I particularly love these details:

 

threads of light pushing

through, like stage lighting,

lluminating, focusing, lacing

the firmament with all colors of life.

 

You've captured beautifully the way light plays both on the state of mind and the natural surroundings.

 

 

Thank you.

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Looking out the Window

 

Looking out the window

in January, the morning sky

misty with drizzling snow,

you can feel the excitement

of threads of light pushing

through, like stage lighting,

illuminating, focusing, lacing

the firmament with all colors of life.

 

 

I enjoy photo-poems like this, though I must admit that I find the description "misty with drizzling snow" a bit confusing. But, it is your poem. Different eyes = different windows.

from the black desert

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like it just for the moment in time. I see myself with a cup of coffee, looking out my northward windows, cheered by the rays of sun through the snow. Adrift in the midst of plenty. Thank you.

fdh

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all. I just wanted to say I read all the comments and spent time thinking and appreciate your time and kind words.

 

Benjamin, thank you for letting me know which part/parts you like and what area needs to be fixed.

 

Tinker, thank you for your feedback. Yes, sometimes I find it not so easy to make connections between images and feelings. As you say, I need to work harder to make that transition from "a poem" to "poetry". Thank you for your advice.

 

golden, your poem is always a good example I look up to for how the imagery is used to convey the feelings. Thanks.

 

Gatekeeper, thanks for reading and leaving your words for me to read. Yes, different eyes, different windows.

 

fdh, I'm so pleased to see how you read and get from the poem. Thank you.

 

ww. thanks again. Just a short reply to your question above. The Chinese language doesn't use definite articles, but it uses a lot of numeral-classifier compounds. In English it is ok to say 'a table' a 'chair', but in Chinese it is 'a zhāng table', ' a bǎ chair'...

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Lake

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.