dedalus Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) I place a warm paternal hand on the cold ivory skulls of dead children, gone now these hundreds of years. It seems so unfair that children should lose their lives in war, their parents also, victims of time and place. The siege of this or that city in this or that war, a young inflamed soldiery allowed to do whatever they like. Such a long history of drunkenness, fear and cruelty in so many lands. The Great War opened the doors of industrial killing: the incessant pounding of artillery, the poison gas, machine guns, tanks, flame-throwers ... so that the Holocaust, seen in this way, was no real departure, simply a new development perfected over centuries. Edited February 23, 2011 by dedalus Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 (edited) Brendan. Some bleak thoughts to conjure with here. Human nature (mankind if you like) being what it is,(and always has been) seems destined to fall, a victim of it's own efficiency. We cannot un-invent the wheel, only fit it with soft tyres and hope to steer it in a peaceful direction. Benjamin Edited February 25, 2011 by Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Technology used for evil? Sure. Man is the same as he always was. Imagine being a contractor bidding on supplying and building the stuff??? "I want to build the gas chamber!" "No! I can do it for less!" Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Too polemic, too angry .. the intention took over from the poem. I should have stopped after the middle stanzas, but somehow could not! Apologies, etc., but I'll soon surface with another ... God help us all!! ;) Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 A very good piece, with a big potential to be an amazing prose piece. I loved the subject and I admire your ability for story telling, Bren. Good job, as always. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Hi Brendan, This was a hard one to read from the opening stanza, the imagery of which is haunting. It weighs me down and blankets the room in grey. Well written as always but since I have no solution to this depression, I am going to read something lighter now.... ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I place a warm paternal hand on the cold ivory skulls of dead children, gone now these hundreds of years. It seems so unfair that children should lose their lives in war, their parents also, victims of time and place. The siege of this or that city in this or that war, a young inflamed soldiery allowed to do whatever they like. Such a long history of drunkenness, fear and cruelty in so many lands. The Great War opened the doors of industrial killing: the incessant pounding of artillery, the poison gas, machine guns, tanks, flame-throwers ... so that the Holocaust, seen in this way, was no real departure, simply a new development perfected over centuries. - - - - - - - - - - This leaves unanswered the intriguing question: What is the speaker doing with children's skulls? There is no need to answer that of course, in the poem, or here. Some notes: in v1 I think "these" is better applied to the dead children rather than to the hundreds of years. in v2 "their parents also" doesn't fit, feels like a space filler. in v3 you might add some specific cities or war, feels lazy with "this or that". in v4 "in so many lands" could be "from ____ (location) to ____ (location). Again, lazy. in v5 good specifics. v6 feels a bit too conclusive, too much of an explanation. You might try something that continues the comment rather than tells the reader what to think. This might work: and on it went to the horror of the Holocaust a perfection of a sort in the eyes of madmen Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 Thanks for that, Gatekeeper. What do you do when you're not ... emmm, keeping the gate? Have a drink with the lads, write the odd poem .... ? I'd be happy to see it. Get it together and post it! Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDgb Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 A fascinating look into the darkness of our hearts. Especially enjoyed the last few lines. Excellent punch to leave the reader in shock. Quote GBrenton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosschandler Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 very good poem. it has a somber tone which is very affective on me when i read it. i noticed your lines almost achieve an unintended meter. 7 syllables 6 syllables 5 syllables 8 syllables. trimeter or tetrameter. perhaps align all the lines with a similar meter by just adjusting the lines by the additions of an extra word or two. then the entire poem will be very symmetrical with just a few more prepositions interjections here or there.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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