2 Versions of Self Pity

[Wistful Poet]

Crying on someone else's shoulders,

about the same old thing,

you won't change the tune of your sorry melody to something bright and cheery;

you won't solve your problems since you like the attention of your old sob stories;

Don't come crying to me about your problems,

I have enough of my own.

 

I wrote 2 versions of this poem. This one I came up in my head and my second version is in my notebook, which I don't have with me. I'll post the second one soon. Enjoy!

 

Crying on Someone else's shoulder,

wallowing your pains to anyone who'll hear

sometimes the same old thing

over and over.

You won't bother to solve your woes,

so you'll cry about it to anyone who'll hear.

[Aleksandra]

Hello again Wistful.

 

So is this the second version:

 

Crying on Someone else's shoulder,

wallowing your pains to anyone who'll hear

sometimes the same old thing

over and over.

You won't bother to solve your woes,

so you'll cry about it to anyone who'll hear.

 

If it is, i must say it is more worth and poetical. Provokes much more attention and have more power between the words...

 

Well done.

 

Aleksandra

[Wistful Poet]

Thank you. Yeah, I didn't write that it was the second version. My bad

[goldenlangur]

Hi again Wistful Poet,

 

Aleksandra is right - the second version certainly has more poetical language and images. I do like the directness of the first version. The last line of the first version has quite an unexpected impact.

 

I'm not sure if this is of much help and as always this is only my opinion. Perhaps other readers will have a different angle on the two versions.

 

goldenlangur

[pawn shop]

The first version is much better.

It's way more direct and has an almost disappointed feeling about it too.

I hope this poem wasn't written about a guy......

I'd be mortified if a chick wrote this about me