Aleksandra Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 If one day I paint the sun I won't ask it for sunshine. If one day, after you've stolen the sun and the moon, I clean the vastness, I'll wrap you in a wooden frame and turn you into a gimcrack. I'll leave you covered in dust. Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) Very, very nice, Alex. The content is quite significant. And the idea of 'wrapping' someone in a wooden (or any other) frame is novel though bitterly amusing. The poem seems to show you are trying to hide a pain with a smile and a chuckle. And This is a good poem and well written as well, but I think that line in parentheses might be more significant at a different place, i.e., in the chronology of painting, cleaning, wrapping etc., it seems it should happen before cleaning, because he has created a vastness that was not there and that then (after) needs the cleaning. Could it be If one day, after you steal the sun and the moon, I clean the vastness. Then, I'll wrap you in a wooden frame etc. Edited March 1, 2011 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 as always my beloved friend your poetry touches my heart. this is so beautiful. i sense a pain that is deep. you cover it so well with poetic verse that is so simple, beautiful, and eloquent. you paint such perfect pictures on your canvas with so few words. i'm in love with you my dear friend. beautiful poems expressions is the only way i can imagine is a sexual experience for me now being the state i am dwelling in. i am paralyed. i don't feel anything sexual. i image the poetic words come alive in my soul and set me afire a flame with desire and passion. all i have left to touch you in a special way is my words. i hate being like this as i am in this physical presence of suffering. i hate myself and my life. i love you. it is not hard for such a thing to happen in my esteem in my opinion. your words are a melody to my soul that i can not let go. love victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Hi Aleks, Ouch! This one is bitter sweet. I like the compactness of this piece. You don't mess around, you use a wide brush to cover the canvas quickly and fully, the reader immediately "gets it" and it stings a little. I love the unique images. Awesome. I only wonder about the line in parenthesis. Ike suggests it be introduced earlier which might be a good idea. But I am more concerned with the tense of the line than its placement. I get the feeling that this person has already stolen the sun and the moon but the line reads like it is only a possiblity in the future. Maybe it should be "since you've stolen . . . . Just another idea. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 It is no wonder I hold a high opinion of tinker. She has put her finger on something I was uncertain about. Please note that it is the good poem that deals with a complex mix of emotion and its likely, possible but uncertain aftermath that is very hard for someone other than the author to unravel. Your lines, other than that line in parentheses, speaks of things you might do, i.e., "If I paint..." and If I clean .." and of things you will (the 'wrapping' and the 'leaving') certainly do provided he does accomplish the stealing. The poem feels like your emotional response to what he has done already, before the moment of your poem, but it is clear that the 'wrapping' and the 'leaving' is what you will do after he, in addition to what he did before, does (either for sure or most likely) 'steals' (your?) sun and (your?) moon.... It is the "ifs", whose usage, and not by itself but next to the rest of the construction and tenses, that are part of the complexity. Using present tense is not wrong, because what goes prior to a moment (of you stipulating, yes, threatening the 'wrapping' and the 'leaving') is an established fact. You should consider playing with the structure and/or the tenses. Perhaps, the line in parentheses could begin with a 'should' or a 'when'. This lengthy attempt to say what I see/feel of your poem points to the fact that the abilty to imagine the essence of a poem, but that to put the notions and images in "the best words in their best order" is often the difficult part, esp. when one does that in a non-native tongue. I have that problem, but, unfortunately, I have not yet found a kindred soul that cares and dares to beat me over the head when I mess up without knowing I have. This is, in essence, a sigmificant & excellent poem. It would be a shame if it were not given the best shot you can manage. I would dearly love to have you send me it paraphrased equivalent in Macedonian and in Cyrillic. I am sure I can see it better that way and much of what I have said is subject to further questions. Do not hesitate, but do not feel you have to do that. Love to you, my fellow novice poet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I like it, Alek, especially the part about the wooden frame and the gimcrack (not such a commonly used word, but very "Alek" :) ). And Ikars and Tink make good points about something I didn't catch earlier either. Perhaps "after you've stolen the sun and the moon" might be better? Or Ikars' suggestion with linebreaks as such might work nicely: "If one day, after you steal the sun/and the moon, I clean the vastness ... " Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Full of anger, pain and regret. Particularly striking is this imagery: I'll wrap you in a wooden frameand turn you into a gimcrack. Blotting out the sun light in response to the theft of the stellar constellation is a powerful avowal of anger and hurt. As always, Aleksandra you pack so much into your poems and give the reader some unsettling but beautiful and poignant moments to reflect on. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 "I'll leave you covered in dust." Seems such a final ending, never to be bothered, again. I've read this dozens of times and find it no less sad with each read than I did in the previous. Seems to have been born of ragged emotion. I am attracted to any piece with mention of "moon". Nice, indeed. Tammi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Hi Aleks, This is very you, short, sharp with clear images. Sounds a bit depressive, destructive to me. Write on. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Very, very nice, Alex. The content is quite significant. And the idea of 'wrapping' someone in a wooden (or any other) frame is novel though bitterly amusing. The poem seems to show you are trying to hide a pain with a smile and a chuckle. And This is a good poem and well written as well, but I think that line in parentheses might be more significant at a different place, i.e., in the chronology of painting, cleaning, wrapping etc., it seems it should happen before cleaning, because he has created a vastness that was not there and that then (after) needs the cleaning. Could it be If one day, after you steal the sun and the moon, I clean the vastness. Then, I'll wrap you in a wooden frame etc. Thank you, waxwings, for your comment and your suggestion. You are right about the order of the lines. I will go back to edit it. Thank you. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Victor, thank you for your words and compliments. I hope you are fine. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hi Aleks, Ouch! This one is bitter sweet. I like the compactness of this piece. You don't mess around, you use a wide brush to cover the canvas quickly and fully, the reader immediately "gets it" and it stings a little. I love the unique images. Awesome. I only wonder about the line in parenthesis. Ike suggests it be introduced earlier which might be a good idea. But I am more concerned with the tense of the line than its placement. I get the feeling that this person has already stolen the sun and the moon but the line reads like it is only a possiblity in the future. Maybe it should be "since you've stolen . . . . Just another idea. ~~Tink Hi, Tink. I am pleased you like this poem. Thanks for the tip about the tense, you are right - it's already stolen. By the way, I do mess in my poetry a lot :) - I am happy is not seen a lot :icon_razz: . Thank you. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 It is no wonder I hold a high opinion of tinker. She has put her finger on something I was uncertain about. Please note that it is the good poem that deals with a complex mix of emotion and its likely, possible but uncertain aftermath that is very hard for someone other than the author to unravel. Your lines, other than that line in parentheses, speaks of things you might do, i.e., "If I paint..." and If I clean .." and of things you will (the 'wrapping' and the 'leaving') certainly do provided he does accomplish the stealing. The poem feels like your emotional response to what he has done already, before the moment of your poem, but it is clear that the 'wrapping' and the 'leaving' is what you will do after he, in addition to what he did before, does (either for sure or most likely) 'steals' (your?) sun and (your?) moon.... It is the "ifs", whose usage, and not by itself but next to the rest of the construction and tenses, that are part of the complexity. Using present tense is not wrong, because what goes prior to a moment (of you stipulating, yes, threatening the 'wrapping' and the 'leaving') is an established fact. You should consider playing with the structure and/or the tenses. Perhaps, the line in parentheses could begin with a 'should' or a 'when'. This lengthy attempt to say what I see/feel of your poem points to the fact that the abilty to imagine the essence of a poem, but that to put the notions and images in "the best words in their best order" is often the difficult part, esp. when one does that in a non-native tongue. I have that problem, but, unfortunately, I have not yet found a kindred soul that cares and dares to beat me over the head when I mess up without knowing I have. This is, in essence, a sigmificant & excellent poem. It would be a shame if it were not given the best shot you can manage. I would dearly love to have you send me it paraphrased equivalent in Macedonian and in Cyrillic. I am sure I can see it better that way and much of what I have said is subject to further questions. Do not hesitate, but do not feel you have to do that. Love to you, my fellow novice poet. Ah, waxwings, of course I don't mind to send you a poem in its original language, but this one I have only in English. I haven't done many translations of my poems. Most of them, published on the board are written directly in English. Very few are translations of my Macedonian poems. And sometimes I am wondering and asking myself: do I write English poetry, or Macedonian poetry in English :D. Thank you. Aleksandra PS: Soon I'll start the translation on my poems, from English to Macedonian :D. Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 I like it, Alek, especially the part about the wooden frame and the gimcrack (not such a commonly used word, but very "Alek" :) ). Tony Tony, I like when you say it's very "Alek" :). As for that part I couldn't find any better word, than a gimcrack :). Thank you! Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Full of anger, pain and regret. Particularly striking is this imagery: I'll wrap you in a wooden frameand turn you into a gimcrack. Blotting out the sun light in response to the theft of the stellar constellation is a powerful avowal of anger and hurt. As always, Aleksandra you pack so much into your poems and give the reader some unsettling but beautiful and poignant moments to reflect on. Thank you. GL, your words sounds very poetic, even in your comments. Thank you for reading me. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 "I'll leave you covered in dust." Seems such a final ending, never to be bothered, again. I've read this dozens of times and find it no less sad with each read than I did in the previous. Seems to have been born of ragged emotion. I am attracted to any piece with mention of "moon". Nice, indeed. Tammi Tammi, it just sounds like that :D. But yes, the poem was supposed to bring those thoughts into the minds of its readers. And yes, I've noticed your attraction to the moon. I am glad to have you on the board. Thank you! Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hi Aleks, This is very you, short, sharp with clear images. Sounds a bit depressive, destructive to me. Write on. Lake Thank you, Lake. :) Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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