tonyv Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Now, in the muffled thump-thud-thump of after, a couple of Coasties, drinking, bump and grind. Now, somewhere in a corner, nervous laughter hints at her words which he was disinclined to listen to, to parse and understand. While digging out a pearl he soiled that oyster -- it's something that just happened, wasn't planned -- and now it's getting harder to withstand not touching her; he's jealous of her hand. 1 Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
Gatekeeper Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 The missing stuff . . . hmmmm. Wish there were a bit more. Quote from the black desert
goldenlangur Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Hi Tony, Compact and potent. Love the nuances here: ... somewhere in a corner, nervous laughterhints at her words, which he was disinclined to listen to, to parse, or understand. How well you show and suggest! : now, it's getting harder to withstandnot touching her; he's jealous of her hand. Very adeptly done and truly enjoyable. :D Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.
Benjamin Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) Hi Tony. An unusual scene which arouses much curiosity throughout nine compact lines. I like the mixed use of feminine line ends but generally prefer to see them carry a thought into the next line as you did with “nervous laughter/ hints at her words,” Still... that's just me. By the way, are you a member sir? :icon_sunny: Edited March 11, 2011 by Benjamin Quote
tonyv Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 The missing stuff . . . hmmmm.Wish there were a bit more. The payoff's a bit meager on this one, I know. Thanks for reading and replying, Gatekeeper. Sorry to disappoint. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
tonyv Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Goldenlangur, I'm very pleased you liked the poem and those parts. I like those last lines, too. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
tonyv Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Thank you, Benjamin, for your kind reply. I like your observations and remarks about the feminine line endings. By the way, are you a member sir? :icon_sunny: Only in my imagination! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
Lake Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi Tony, I like the ambiance, appeal created in this poem. And you say, the scene is your imagination?! How romantic. I like your word choices, too. 'Yacht', 'Coasties', 'pearl', 'oyster ' all relate to water. Nice appealing scene. Lake Quote
moonqueen Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Tony, much enjoyed this one. Puts me in mind of Spring Break! Quote
tonyv Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Hi Tony, I like the ambiance, appeal created in this poem. And you say, the scene is your imagination?! How romantic. I like your word choices, too. 'Yacht', 'Coasties', 'pearl', 'oyster ' all relate to water. Nice appealing scene. Lake Thank you, Lake! I like when the mood of a piece comes across. For me, that plays a significant role in whether I merely like a particular poem or love it. And I'm pleased that you've taken note and pointed out the similar (maritime) elements of the poem. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
tonyv Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Tony, much enjoyed this one. Puts me in mind of Spring Break! And thank you, Tammi! It's almost that time ... (if only!) Tony :party on: Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
dedalus Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Ooooohh! Wait a second! There's all kinds of things going on here. First, is the story (to my mind, the main thing). Second, is the rhyming scheme (clever, syncopatic) Third, overall effect. This (superficially simple) poem has a lot of the above three elements working for it. I'm beginning to believe you are one of the best New England poets, as in, unrecognized, reluctantly published, totally excellent and extremely underpaid (as in Zero). My man Tony! Keep going, never never stop Bren Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim
tonyv Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Ooooohh! Wait a second! There's all kinds of things going on here. First, is the story (to my mind, the main thing). Second, is the rhyming scheme (clever, syncopatic) Third, overall effect. This (superficially simple) poem has a lot of the above three elements working for it. I'm beginning to believe you are one of the best New England poets, as in, unrecognized, reluctantly published, totally excellent and extremely underpaid (as in Zero). My man Tony! Keep going, never never stop Bren Thank you, Brendan, for the incredibly generous compliments. They're very encouraging. The form is one of my favorites: the Rainis Sonnet (again), this time with a rhyme scheme of abab cac cc. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
PDgb Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 You can see it...every inch of this scene is visible to the reader. Nice imagery and great flow send this poem nicely on its way into the readers mind. An interesting scene to think about. It has quite a bit of philosophical value to it actually. It makes you think about greed and what intoxicates humanity as a whole. Nicely done. Quote GBrenton
tonyv Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 You can see it...every inch of this scene is visible to the reader. Nice imagery and great flow send this poem nicely on its way into the readers mind. An interesting scene to think about. It has quite a bit of philosophical value to it actually. It makes you think about greed and what intoxicates humanity as a whole. Nicely done. Thank you, PDgb! I like how you saw even more in this. Takes it to a whole new level ... Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
Aleksandra Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Hi, Tony. After all previous comments, mine would be overage. It's hard for me to follow these poems, maybe because I am trying to understand something more inside, other than already presented from the narrator. But out of all, I liked this poem, though is not my favorite from you :). You know me... what kind of reader I am. But you are still my favorite poet. I do believe in the power of your poem, and its quality. You never missed to form your poems in a precisely chosen compact creation. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia
tonyv Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Thanks, Alek. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
badger11 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I particularly enjoyed that sound cluster of thump-thud-thump, though it swallowed the 'of'. But that doesn't matter. Thoughtful and subtle, feels real. badge Quote
tonyv Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 I particularly enjoyed that sound cluster of thump-thud-thump, though it swallowed the 'of'.But that doesn't matter. Thoughtful and subtle, feels real. badge Glad you liked it. I never take the "Badge" of approval for granted. Tony :D Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
Tinker Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Hi Tony, I have read this poem several times. Every time I have stopped by this section in the past couple of weeks, I have come back to this piece and even started a response but never finished. I recognized the Rainis Sonnet and thought it the perfect vehicle for this topic. You captured the essence of the observation, served it up and let it go.... Just enough. I really like this. Can I use it as an example of the form? ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com
dr_con Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Tony, mind blowing sleaze and yet a perfectly puncuated scene that carries a certain romance and trance. Nicely, nicely done. I love it. DC&J Quote thegateless.org
tonyv Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Hi Tony, I have read this poem several times. Every time I have stopped by this section in the past couple of weeks, I have come back to this piece and even started a response but never finished. I recognized the Rainis Sonnet and thought it the perfect vehicle for this topic. You captured the essence of the observation, served it up and let it go.... Just enough. I really like this. Can I use it as an example of the form? ~~Tink Thank you, Tinker. Glad you liked it, especially your observation about the brevity. And of course, you can use this and/or any other poem of mine as an example. Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
tonyv Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Tony, mind blowing sleaze and yet a perfectly puncuated scene that carries a certain romance and trance. Nicely, nicely done. I love it. DC&J Thank you, Juris. Your thoughtful comment is very encouraging. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
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