moonqueen Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 actuality at the epicenter of my sanity swings a sledgehammer, its strokes devastate the crux of me. whoosh. whump. each splinter evolves into a different reality. chips of instability litter my essentia, linger to become eventual confetti for my wake. 03-18-11 ©tlp 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 actuality at the epicenter of my sanity swings a sledgehammer, its strokes devastate the crux of me. whoosh. whump. each splinter evolves into a different reality. chips of instability litter my essentia, linger to become eventual confetti for my wake. 03-18-11 ©tlp 2011 I like it. An interesting inversion-creation this: eventual confetti to become eventual confetti Maybe you could add another whoosh whump. at the end to leave it swinging Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 Thanks! I actually did consider, using it twice, but in this way whoosh, whump! whoosh, whump! between the two stanzas. I appreciate your time and input. Tammi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I would think the afflicted would see the sledgehammer as an external force, but from the poem, I can see that it's an internal one: at the epicenter of my sanity swings a sledgehammer, its strokes devastate the crux of me ... An interesting pathology, Tammi. The poem expresses it very well. Tony PS -- I like your idea of using the whoosh/whump twice, too. Both ways are good. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 Thanks, Tony. Do you think the second "whoosh" & "whump" would go better between the verses or as GK suggested, at the end? t Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Do you think the second "whoosh" & "whump" would go better between the verses or as GK suggested, at the end? Hmmm. Maybe it could be used in both places, middle and end, as a refrain? Or use it in the middle, and the other, single one at the end ... Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hi Tammi, I breathed a sigh of relief to read this crisp, clean piece. I didn't have to think, I just felt and reacted. Well written with emotional impact that didn't stutter or bog me down. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosschandler Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 i love onamonopia. good succinct and powerful structure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Tink, Ross, I want to thank both of you for taking your precious time to read and comment on my words. It is much appreciated. mq Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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