Chunky Casserole

[PDgb]

You should really see this

snow, liquidating a Black

Friday clearance sale in the

heart of the Costco parking lot.

 

The greasy water runs, it shows,

telling and reminding of the

snow. I realize that dirty

mass of crumpled beauty is

 

me. And boldly I suggest,

it is all of us. For when we

are born, we are flawless. In

innocence, we start our plunge

 

into the crisp, melting halls

of our lost world. There the

question mightily provokes:

who will pick us up and what

 

will that person do with us.

This question shapes and

molds our destiny. Cold and

transparent, you must answer.

Edited March 25, 2011 by PDgb

[tonyv]

Welcome, PDgb. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in the way of suggestions to improve this fine work. The only thing that jumps out is the lack of the period at the end.

 

Though at first the linebreaks seemed a bit haphazard, as I read on, they strangely seemed to work. They even made sense at the stanza breaks, especially between verse two and three and then, again, between verse three and four.

 

Here's what I've come up with:

 

You should really see this

snow, liquidating a Black

Friday clearance sale in the

middle of a Costco parking lot. [i wonder if "the" would be better. Not sure.]

 

The greasy water runs, it shows, [Em-dashes might work in lieu of commas, but I'll wait to see what others say.]

telling and reminding of the

snow. I realize that dirty

mass of crumpled beauty is

 

me. And boldly I suggest, [A comma after "me" might work, too, but it might be stronger the way you have it.]

it is all of us. For when we

are born, we are flawless.

Innocent, starts our plummet [Probably should be "innocently." Again, I'll wait to see how others chime in.]

into the crisp, melting halls

of our lost world. There the [initially, I was lost on "melting halls," but "melting" does make sense; it's snow!]

question mightily provokes:

who will pick us up and what

 

will that person do with us?

This question shapes and

molds our destiny. Cold and

transparent, you must answer.

I like this poem a lot, especially your use of local references. I was out walking a couple of months ago, and I was disgusted enough by the frozen, dirty snow to consider writing a poem about it. My poem never materialized, but had it, I don't think it would have been this good.

 

Tony

[PDgb]

Tony,

thanks for the comments which were quite helpful. Already beginning to enjoy this site.

PDgb

[Tinker]

Hi PDgb, I really enjoyed this fluid piece. The imagary, the sonics, the rhythm all work well together. To offer critique takes real study and I am behind in reading so many poems here. In my limited time can see nothing I could suggest of any possible changes for consideration. It appears to be nice work to me. Welcome to PMO.

 

~~Tink

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

this flowed very nicely. you pretty mch summed up modern civilization on a snowy friday getting ready for holidays creating a massive slum of muck in these peoples wake.

 

 

 

much enjoyed/

 

 

 

victor michael