JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Dawn, at the pier, without you, its blue cast holding tent, veils the colors of the day. The sky moves clouds, bluish grey and half-asleep, over waters undisturbed in its blueness. I sit at the platform's edge with crags, in silhouettes, before me watching the horizon lift the veil. The only remnant of the night is the lamp's light walking away, an old man. This beautiful glimpse, this dawn is short-lived, quickly dispersed like your glances. I look down on the waters, my reflection is all blue. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 The color blue Hello JoelJosol, I like how you use "blue" to reflect not just the color and light around the narrator but also to mirror his wistfulness. These lines work well in this evocation: "This beautiful glimpse, this dawn is short-lived, quickly dispersed like your glances." And also: "I look down on the waters, my reflection is all blue." I'm however, unsure of this line: "its blue cast holding tent" particularly the "holding". But this could just be my ignorance of what a "pier" looks like and involves. Another small point: "watching the horizon lift the veil." I wondered if it ought to be the "veil" lift over the horizon? As always, this is just my opinion for you to ignore or consider as you see fit. But these minor points aside, the pensive moodiness of a moment is well conveyed here. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks for your feedback, GL. I posted the revision on the workshop forum. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Very nice written poem Joel. This is so serious and sounds so lonely: The only remnant of the nightis the lamp's light walking away, an old man. And this is wonderful part of the poem. So poetical and so emotional, deep. I love it too the usage of the blue to the reflection. This beautiful glimpse, this dawnis short-lived, quickly dispersed like your glances. I look down on the waters, my reflection is all blue. Well done Joel Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks, Sandra. I'm happy to note you sensed the emotions of the poem. There is some revision in the poem. I put in the workshop forum. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thats nice to hear Joel. Yes I am checking these poems there. Just I am not so competent to talk there but I am happy because we have members here with so much knowledges and they are able to talk and to revise good. I am glad you like it that forum and it is helpful for all of us Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Good use of blue in conjunction with the water imagery, Joel. I especially like these two strophes: The only remnant of the nightis the lamp's light walking away, an old man. This beautiful glimpse, this dawn is short-lived, quickly dispersed like your glances. Yes, Joel, you've got the melancholy going on in this one! :D Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hi Joel, This is beautiful, this could be called an Aubade or Alba. A classical French form, you even mention the lamp light and an old man. Alba! I love it. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thank you, friends. Yes, Sandra, for any revision, I put them in the workshop. Tony, you're right. The combined imagery of sky and water is what I try to project here. Tinker, thank you for mentioning the alba. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 I am also a photographer by hobby (formerly as a livelihood too). Here is the photo I took that inspired this poem. Dawn at Miniloc Island Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 The photo is incredible Joel. the blue dawn wakens Miniloc Island without you, I sleep ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks, Tink. I was surprised myself with its impact. Inspired you too! Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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