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Poetry Magnum Opus

Blue


JoelJosol

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Dawn, at the pier, without you,

its blue cast holding tent,

veils the colors of the day.

 

The sky moves clouds,

bluish grey and half-asleep,

over waters undisturbed in its blueness.

 

I sit at the platform's edge

with crags, in silhouettes, before me

watching the horizon lift the veil.

 

The only remnant of the night

is the lamp's light

walking away, an old man.

 

This beautiful glimpse, this dawn

is short-lived, quickly dispersed

like your glances.

 

I look down on the waters,

my reflection is all blue.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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goldenlangur

The color blue

 

Hello JoelJosol,

 

 

I like how you use "blue" to reflect not just the color and light around the narrator but also to mirror his wistfulness. These lines work well in this evocation:

 

"This beautiful glimpse, this dawn

is short-lived, quickly dispersed

like your glances."

 

And also:

 

"I look down on the waters,

my reflection is all blue."

 

 

I'm however, unsure of this line:

 

"its blue cast holding tent"

 

particularly the "holding".

 

 

But this could just be my ignorance of what a "pier" looks like and involves.

 

Another small point:

 

"watching the horizon lift the veil."

 

I wondered if it ought to be the "veil" lift over the horizon?

 

 

As always, this is just my opinion for you to ignore or consider as you see fit.

 

 

But these minor points aside, the pensive moodiness of a moment is well conveyed here.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Thanks for your feedback, GL. I posted the revision on the workshop forum.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Very nice written poem Joel.

This is so serious and sounds so lonely:

 

The only remnant of the night

is the lamp's light

walking away, an old man.

 

And this is wonderful part of the poem. So poetical and so emotional, deep.

I love it too the usage of the blue to the reflection.

 

This beautiful glimpse, this dawn

is short-lived, quickly dispersed

like your glances.

 

I look down on the waters,

my reflection is all blue.

 

Well done Joel

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Thanks, Sandra. I'm happy to note you sensed the emotions of the poem. There is some revision in the poem. I put in the workshop forum.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Thats nice to hear Joel. Yes I am checking these poems there. Just I am not so competent to talk there :huh: but I am happy because we have members here with so much knowledges and they are able to talk and to revise good. I am glad you like it that forum and it is helpful for all of us

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Good use of blue in conjunction with the water imagery, Joel. I especially like these two strophes:

The only remnant of the night

is the lamp's light

walking away, an old man.

 

This beautiful glimpse, this dawn

is short-lived, quickly dispersed

like your glances.

Yes, Joel, you've got the melancholy going on in this one! :D

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Thank you, friends.

 

Yes, Sandra, for any revision, I put them in the workshop.

 

Tony, you're right. The combined imagery of sky and water is what I try to project here.

 

Tinker, thank you for mentioning the alba.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Thanks, Tink. I was surprised myself with its impact. Inspired you too!

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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