JoelJosol Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 (edited) It's fail-safe for them to contain you within these walls. Here, their passion can heat up safely and the sound of their violence ripples invisibly in the air. Silence begets no questions. Such men know only their desires. The noise they create continues to distract them from yours- your common space tightly soundproofed. But your head, though bowed, shaken and wracked, will rise like superheated steam, exploding against these walls, to burn and crumble them. Everyone exposed will die from it. Edited April 7, 2011 by JoelJosol Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 A harmless interrogation, Joel? Some standard procedure? Nice job showing it. Just a couple of things to make it perfect. In L3, "ripple" should be "ripples," unless you change "sound" to "sounds." And in L7, "continue" should be "continues," unless you change "noise" in L6 to "noises." As always, enjoyed the fluid read. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Very chilling this detail: Silence begets no questions I may be wrong but the descriptions of the person who is being detained and questioned evoke for me the unlawful detention of political prisoners. There is a burning desire for justice- divine justice in some ways in the way you use the almost biblical consuming allusions of fire here: ... exploding against these walls, to burn and crumble them. Everyone exposed will die from it. You create unease and impact in this poem. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 Tony, thanks for your kind correction. GL, glad I somehow carried the tension across. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abstrect-christ Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 nice piece, well done. Quote Pinhead "Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh." Joey "I don't believe you." Pinhead "Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart." "There's a starving beast inside my chestplaying with me until he's boredThen, slowly burying his tusks in my fleshcrawling his way out he rips open old woundsWhen I reach for the knife placed on the bedside tableits blade reflects my determined faceto plant it in my chestand carve a hole so deep it snaps my veinsHollow me out, I want to feel empty"-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreakerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8 "Sky turns to a deeper grey the sun fades by the moon hell's come from the distant hills tortures dreams of the doomed and they pray, yet they prey and they pray, still they prey"-- "Still They Prey" by Coughhttps://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Hello Joel. You have achieved a perfect build-up of tension and balanced it cleverly with "the show don't tell" ethic. The poem is open to different interpretations and leaves much for the reader to think about. Well done. Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks Abs and Ben for the read and feedback. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosschandler Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 i wanted you to know i read this. i know we all get alot of views and fewer replies. i do not believe any poem is bad. i do want to say i appreciate your expression. i like enjambments too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) It's fail-safe for them to contain you within these walls. Here, their passion can heat up safely and the sound of their violence ripples invisibly in the air. Silence begets no questions. Such men know only their desires. The noise they create continues to distract them from yours- your common space tightly soundproofed. But your dignity, though shaken and wracked, will rise like superheated steam, exploding against these walls, to burn and crumble them. Everyone exposed will die from it. Perhaps I missed the boat, but to me this shouts the agony of Japan and the men who voluntarily gave their lives trying to contain the dragons. This line, to me, spell genius: "Silence begets no questions." I'm in awe of the intensity contained in so few words. Not sure who, perhaps Robert Frost, said "Death solves all problems." Franklin Edited April 1, 2011 by fdelano Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) It's fail-safe for them to contain you within these walls. Here, their passion can heat up safely and the sound of their violence ripples invisibly in the air. Silence begets no questions. Such men know only their desires. The noise they create continues to distract them from yours- your common space tightly soundproofed. But your dignity, though shaken and wracked, will rise like superheated steam, exploding against these walls, to burn and crumble them. Everyone exposed will die from it. Perhaps I missed the boat, but to me this shouts the agony of Japan and the men who voluntarily gave their lives trying to contain the dragons. This line, to me, spell genius: "Silence begets no questions." I'm in awe of the intensity contained in so few words. Not sure who, perhaps Robert Frost, said "Death solves all problems." Franklin I too, read this as the nuclear story in Japan. I was reading this morning about the exhorbitant amounts of money they are offering individuals to sign on as "Jumpers". I'd only ever heard the term before as applied to the Smoke Jumpers, who parachute into wildfires, although when I look it up, it says it was a fairly common profession here in the States in the 70s and 80s. My heart swells when I think of the men who are so over exposed now that their futures are pretty much ordained, who have stayed to help Japan and her people. A piece we should all understand and remember. Tammi Edited April 1, 2011 by moonqueen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Strong piece, Joel. I like the intrigue in this poem, the most. Nice to see you around. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 7, 2011 Author Share Posted April 7, 2011 Thanks Ross, Franklin, Tammi and Aleks for the read and interpretation. I decided to come back and replace the abstract "dignity" with a more concrete imagery. I hope it enhances the poem. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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