The sea

[goldenlangur]

The sea

 

In black rampancy

it heaves over the tsunami wall

picks, slams, smithereens

cars, planes, homes and trees.

 

 

Down our street it streams

takes my father, my computer, my bed.

Now, in the spring full moon

it lies - a ripple-less sheet.

 

I can't sleep.

I can never sleep.

[abstrect-christ]

nicely done.

[Gatekeeper]

The sea

 

In black rampancy

it heaves over the tsunami wall

picks, slams, smithereens

cars, planes, homes and trees.

 

 

Down our street it streams

takes my father, my computer, my bed.

Now, in the spring full moon

it lies - a ripple-less sheet.

 

I can't sleep.

I can never sleep.

 

I like what you have captured here, concisely.

 

I might suggest this:

 

In the first line, perhaps "foaming" rampancy,

or something like that

since the blackness seems to come later,

after picking up soil and debris.

 

Then in line 1, S2

you could add "black" or "blackened"

to the end of the line

"Down our street it streams, blackened"

 

Might have a bit more punch that way.

[dr_con]

Nice work Golden! A very existential moment, nicely captured.

 

Many Thanks,

 

DC&J

[tonyv]

Poignant! Very effective, how you escalate it from seemingly impersonal items ("cars, planes, homes, and trees") to another level, one that can't be news-clip sanitized:

 

Down our street it streams

takes my father, my computer, my bed.

Of course, at the end, you hammer it home. There's no way to forget what has happened:

 

I can't sleep.

I can never sleep.

I loved it.

 

Tony

[Benjamin]

Hello g.l.

Your theme is topical , well presented and relevent. The force of nature, terrible on the one hand yet placid and beautiful on the other. How fragile and vulnerable we are. Benjamin

[goldenlangur]

nicely done.

 

 

Thank you for your encouraging comment.

 

The image in your post is quite scarily reminiscent of the black tsunami waves in Japan.

[goldenlangur]

I like what you have captured here, concisely.

 

Delighted that the conciseness works, Gatekeeper. :D

 

I appreciate your taking the trouble to make the critical and helpful pointer. I will gratefully keep in mind for a rewrite.

 

 

Thank you.

[goldenlangur]

A very existential moment, nicely captured.

DC&J

 

 

How astutely you read this, DC.

 

Appreciate your encouragement. :D

 

 

Thank you.

[goldenlangur]

... escalate it from seemingly impersonal items ("cars, planes, homes, and trees") to another level, one that can't be news-clip sanitized:

 

Tony

 

You've described eloquently the randomness and the impersonal and personal impact of the tsunami.

 

 

Thank you for your considered read and comment. :D

[goldenlangur]

The force of nature, terrible on the one hand yet placid and beautiful on the other. How fragile and vulnerable we are. Benjamin[/size][/font]

 

Very well summed-up, Benjamin. We are indeed vulnerable and how random and terrifying the forces of nature are!

 

Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment. :D

[Lake]

What a timely piece, Golden! You described the moment very well. After its rampancy, it quiets down, like a ripple-less sheet, while "I", sleepless. Another read, I read the ripple-less sheet as the wrinkle-less bed sheet, "I" didn't even go to bed.

 

Thanks for the read.

 

Lake

[Aleksandra]

Even if the whole poem was bad, with the last couple of lines you would have a wonderful poem. But in this case, when all the parts of this poem are wonderful, well, I don't have much to say. The end works in very effective way, very memorable. Great, GL.

 

Aleksandra

[dedalus]

Close to home. Scary: could have been our stretch of coastline instead of theirs. Don't want to think about it. OF COURSE I think about it. Subtle and accomplished but from this side of the world, distinctly scary ....