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The Ghost Of The Seashore


PDgb
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I have to chase that girl

She has the sea on her heels

And the wind in her black hair

The blue sky is pooling in her eyes

And her laugh is the music of the river

So I jump from my perch

And hit the ground running, without restraint

Desperately I push through the crowd

But I find no sign of her passing

Brokenhearted I return to my balcony

And there she stands, beautifully

Faithfully brightening my room with her touch

“Been here the whole time”, her look says

She stares out to sea for a bit, pondering

Then she turns to smile at me, joyfully

Grinning because I didn’t see her

And that smile lights up my world

She kisses me in her way, softly

So I close my eyes like I always do

And when I open them, she’s gone

Like she’s been for quite some time now

Note For Reader: I prefer honesty over flattery, I want nothing but your honest opinion of my work. If you don't like it, don't understand it, or don't think it is relevant, then tell me. I promise not to get offended. I want to become a better poet, not a better receiver of empty flattery. Thank you for your time in commenting and your honesty as you do so.

GBrenton

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Your poem starts out and carries through like a ghost story, but the last two lines lead me to believe that it's actually about a ghostly apparition of one who was alive and is no more. Despite your use of some deceptively simple language like "I have to chase that girl," there's something about this work that leads me to believe that there's a bit more going on than what is taken in upon the first read. I'd love to know some background on this poem. Is it simply a ghost story, or is it a metaphor for a loss?

 

By now, I've read "The Ghost of the Seashore" a number of times, and the strongest articulable impression I can convey about it is simply this: what little I know of the poet and poem nevertheless for some reason reminds me of a personal favorite poet of mine, Frederick Goddard Tuckerman. Tuckerman, too, wrote of someone he'd lost (his wife), and, though he didn't live by the sea, he also occasionally used maritime imagery in his works. Please indulge me a bit more and allow me to reproduce one of his poems here in your topic:

 

 

XXXI.

 

MY Anna! when for thee my head was bowed,

The circle of the world, sky, mountain, main,

Drew inward to one spot; and now again

Wide Nature narrows to the shell and shroud.

In the late dawn they will not be forgot,

And evenings early-dark, when the low rain

Begins at nightfall, though no tempests rave,

I know the rain is falling on her grave;

The morning views it, and the sunset cloud

Points with a finger to that lonely spot;

The crops, that up the valley rolling go,

Ever toward her slumber bow and blow!

I look upon the sweeping corn, and the surging rye,

And with every gust of wind my heart goes by!

 

 

I see similarities in the poems. I'll leave it at that. If you're looking for some down and dirty input on grammar, punctuation, and matters of style, I'll defer to others. (I hope waxwings returns soon, as he loves to help people with that.) I enjoyed this submission. Thank you for it, PDgb.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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I think this poem is probably a metaphor for a loss. I guess I was trying to express how I felt after such a loss and I did that by creating this image of the seashore. I think the idea of waves going in and out has some metaphorical value in the image as well. Kind of some subtle back tones if you will. Thanks for the comment.

GBrenton

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abstrect-christ

looks like Tony covered it personally the way it is is good for me, you don't need alot of punctuation for work like this as it adds to its haunting feelings just presenting it as words and well ya, if you've ever read a book by Cormac McCarthy then you'd know that punctuation isn't always necessary since his format also makes the concentration on story more prevalent.

Pinhead

"Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends.

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh."

Joey

"I don't believe you."

Pinhead

"Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume.

To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart."

"There's a starving beast inside my chest
playing with me until he's bored
Then, slowly burying his tusks in my flesh
crawling his way out he rips open old wounds

When I reach for the knife placed on the bedside table
its blade reflects my determined face
to plant it in my chest
and carve a hole so deep it snaps my veins

Hollow me out, I want to feel empty"
-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreaker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8

"Sky turns to a deeper grey

the sun fades by the moon

hell's come from the distant hills

tortures dreams of the doomed

and they pray, yet they prey

and they pray, still they prey"
-- "Still They Prey" by Cough

https://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray

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rosschandler

great imagery. maybe try using more intimate descriptions of color. not just blue perhaps or black. synonymns which are more rich may include various shades of blue or black.

i liked the flow. i love the meaning of the poem.

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Undoubtedly, my favorite line is "And her laugh is the music of the river", but I believe I'd change it to "laughter". The only other thing I would consider is to pare down on the unnecessary words. Just me, I'm either very 'wordy' or try to be as spare as possible. I believe 'ing' should be used only where necessary in this case.

 

Example:

 

"the sea on her heels,

wind in her black hair

blue sky pools in her eyes

and her laugher is the music of the river"

 

 

Over all, a beautiful piece, expressing a sense of loss, perfectly.

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