moonqueen Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) young again [R] (double Etheree) she took off her blue silk panties and let her gown fall onto the floor. steam drifted up around her face to caress her skin with a scented moisture. she thought of the man waiting for her, his promises made her feel young again. he told her he thinks she is beautiful and he touched her as if it were true; his fingers healed her soul and mind. his soft lips caused such tremors she had screamed out loud. she now felt so alive. she knew he was worth every cent she'd paid. 02-10-10 ©tlp 2010 Edited April 2, 2011 by moonqueen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abstrect-christ Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 nice, though i think there's a typo in line 9 where tought should be thought. Quote Pinhead "Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh." Joey "I don't believe you." Pinhead "Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart." "There's a starving beast inside my chestplaying with me until he's boredThen, slowly burying his tusks in my fleshcrawling his way out he rips open old woundsWhen I reach for the knife placed on the bedside tableits blade reflects my determined faceto plant it in my chestand carve a hole so deep it snaps my veinsHollow me out, I want to feel empty"-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreakerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8 "Sky turns to a deeper grey the sun fades by the moon hell's come from the distant hills tortures dreams of the doomed and they pray, yet they prey and they pray, still they prey"-- "Still They Prey" by Coughhttps://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted April 2, 2011 Author Share Posted April 2, 2011 nice, though i think there's a typo in line 9 where tought should be thought. Thanks, Jeremy, I just caught that, as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Ah, a relaxing massage ... Nice job with the form, Tammi. In fact, I think it's a perfect choice for the poem. The centering of the lines and the color of the text in L3 are nice touches, too (pun intended). Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 Hi Tammi Sorry for the delay in getting round to you. It's good to see you trying something different. The format works well with this subject matter which is unusual and entertaining. I think you could add a dimension to the older woman's role by amending L9 “she thought of the boy waiting for her,” This would give it a “Last Picture Show” feel. Also L12/ onward, a little tweaking-- perhaps, “and caressed her as if it were true;/ his fingers touched her soul and mind./ his soft lips caused such tremors/ that she'd screamed out loud. and/ now felt so alive”. The “soul and mind” line sounds just a little cliched: changing “healed” for “touched” or “reached” or something else even, will allow a little leeway for a rethink. I enjoyed the read and hope this helps. G. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosschandler Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 nice image. good desrciption of a moment that can be so emotional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 WOW, tami erotic. made me think of my of beloved marianna we are getting married in a few months. i am re enlisting into the service.. i will be a lieutenant commander. i have several masters and 2 doctrates i will be one of the head chaplins in the pacificc fleet if i pass the physicals. then agaiin maybe i am full of it lol. seriously i will read this to my sweet heart. she is roman catholic orthodox like alekandra. she is a minor e verywhere but kentucky. she is in love with. i am a mason and catholic. i attended methodst churches my whole life. i converted to a mormon in 2001. i am by birth right a levirite priest. i was annointed by the holy ghost to be a priest in 1984 when i was 13 years old. i on't do animal sacrifices at all. i prayed and blessed people until i became paralyzed in 1996. i am going to be healed soon by ET's lol. i love your poem. i am dreaming about making love to marianna lol. peace out my friend. love with grace victor michael Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) young again [R] (double Etheree) she took off her blue silk panties and let her gown fall onto the floor. steam drifted up around her face to caress her skin with a scented moisture. she thought of the man waiting for her, his promises made her feel young again. he told her he thinks she is beautiful and he touched her as if it were true; his fingers healed her soul and mind. his soft lips caused such tremors she had screamed out loud. she now felt so alive. she knew he was worth every cent she'd paid. 02-10-10 ©tlp 2010 This is so unfair to the elderly of the opposite persuasion. Is it hot in here? Another hot flash? So well-written, and even an O'Henry twist. Edited April 14, 2011 by fdelano Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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