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In Memory of......


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In memory of.......

 

I wept in time to silent nights,

where tears weave mantelled sparkling lights

I wept in time to roses, bloom,

a budding blossom, a spring time tune

 

I wept in time to misted rain

that lapped with silence, crowned terrain

I wept in time to beauty's youth

where angels wept, clasping truth

 

I wept in time to desert sands

where orchids wild, sprinkled lands

I wept in time to golden beach

where ebbing tides wear floral wreaths

 

I wept in time to distant drums

that stole your heart, your spirit numbs.

 

I wept beside your lonely tomb

where blood red roses

Spring time bloom

 

© Rea 14th January 2011

 

Written in relation to a very sad story in the news, R.I.P.

I have changed the sequence of lines around, any input would be welcome!

 

 

 

 

Edited by Rea
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Hi Rea, This poem in its sadness has a lovely lyrical sonnet quality. I liked the repetition of the words "I wept" at the beginning of the odd numbered lines.

 

Other than the fact that you broke L14 into 2 lines, the poem appears to follow the criteria of a Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet. You add the dimension of an iambic pattern to the syllabic form which gives it more musicality.

 

You ask for suggestions, mechanically the only thing I could suggest is that you add a "the" or "my" or some single syllabled word in L12 before "spirit numbs" which would be in keeping with the syllable count and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Technically a stronger pivot or twist near the end could take this from a "lovely poem" to something more memorable.

 

I liked this piece, would you mind if I linked it as an example of the Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet?

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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In memory of.......

 

I wept in time to silent nights,

where tear(s) weave mantelled sparkling lights

I wept in time to roses, bloom,

a budding blossom, a spring time tune

 

I wept in time to misted rain

that lapped with silence, crowned terrain

I wept in time to beauty's youth

where angels wept, clasping truth

 

I wept in time to desert sands

where orchids wild, sprinkled lands

I wept in time to golden beach

where ebbing tides wear floral wreaths

 

I wept in time to distant drums

that stole your heart,(;) spirit numbs.

 

I wept beside your lonely tomb

where blood red roses

Spring time bloom

 

© Rea 14th January 2011

 

Written in relation to a very sad story in the news, R.I.P.

I have changed the sequence of lines around, any input would be welcome!

 

Heart stirring. Have indicated a couple of suggestions. Think about re-writing this in present tense. I think it would add more directness to the message. Your poems are always filled with emotion that seeps into the reader and puts him/her there in the moment. Thanks. Paco

 

 

 

 

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Hi Rea, This poem in its sadness has a lovely lyrical sonnet quality. I liked the repetition of the words "I wept" at the beginning of the odd numbered lines.

 

Other than the fact that you broke L14 into 2 lines, the poem appears to follow the criteria of a Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet. You add the dimension of an iambic pattern to the syllabic form which gives it more musicality.

 

You ask for suggestions, mechanically the only thing I could suggest is that you add a "the" or "my" or some single syllabled word in L12 before "spirit numbs" which would be in keeping with the syllable count and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Technically a stronger pivot or twist near the end could take this from a "lovely poem" to something more memorable.

 

I liked this piece, would you mind if I linked it as an example of the Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet?

 

~~Tink

 

Hello Tink

Thank you for taking time to reply, I will make any changes suggested.

On writing the poem, I was trying not to infringe, on those left behind, did the message explain? In answer to your question, you may link it as an example.

Rea

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Hi Rea, This poem in its sadness has a lovely lyrical sonnet quality. I liked the repetition of the words "I wept" at the beginning of the odd numbered lines.

 

Other than the fact that you broke L14 into 2 lines, the poem appears to follow the criteria of a Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet. You add the dimension of an iambic pattern to the syllabic form which gives it more musicality.

 

You ask for suggestions, mechanically the only thing I could suggest is that you add a "the" or "my" or some single syllabled word in L12 before "spirit numbs" which would be in keeping with the syllable count and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Technically a stronger pivot or twist near the end could take this from a "lovely poem" to something more memorable.

 

I liked this piece, would you mind if I linked it as an example of the Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet?

 

~~Tink

 

Hello Tink

I replied to this, but I am unsure if you received it, as I was unable to forward a message to Geoff/Benjamin.

I have done a few changes, but Geoff has edited it with startling beauty.

Yes, you may use this poem as an example.

Regards

Rea

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