Rea Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 (edited) In memory of....... I wept in time to silent nights, where tears weave mantelled sparkling lights I wept in time to roses, bloom, a budding blossom, a spring time tune I wept in time to misted rain that lapped with silence, crowned terrain I wept in time to beauty's youth where angels wept, clasping truth I wept in time to desert sands where orchids wild, sprinkled lands I wept in time to golden beach where ebbing tides wear floral wreaths I wept in time to distant drums that stole your heart, your spirit numbs. I wept beside your lonely tomb where blood red roses Spring time bloom © Rea 14th January 2011 Written in relation to a very sad story in the news, R.I.P. I have changed the sequence of lines around, any input would be welcome! Edited April 22, 2011 by Rea Quote
Tinker Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Hi Rea, This poem in its sadness has a lovely lyrical sonnet quality. I liked the repetition of the words "I wept" at the beginning of the odd numbered lines. Other than the fact that you broke L14 into 2 lines, the poem appears to follow the criteria of a Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet. You add the dimension of an iambic pattern to the syllabic form which gives it more musicality. You ask for suggestions, mechanically the only thing I could suggest is that you add a "the" or "my" or some single syllabled word in L12 before "spirit numbs" which would be in keeping with the syllable count and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Technically a stronger pivot or twist near the end could take this from a "lovely poem" to something more memorable. I liked this piece, would you mind if I linked it as an example of the Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet? ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com
fdelano Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 In memory of....... I wept in time to silent nights, where tear(s) weave mantelled sparkling lights I wept in time to roses, bloom, a budding blossom, a spring time tune I wept in time to misted rain that lapped with silence, crowned terrain I wept in time to beauty's youth where angels wept, clasping truth I wept in time to desert sands where orchids wild, sprinkled lands I wept in time to golden beach where ebbing tides wear floral wreaths I wept in time to distant drums that stole your heart,(;) spirit numbs. I wept beside your lonely tomb where blood red roses Spring time bloom © Rea 14th January 2011 Written in relation to a very sad story in the news, R.I.P. I have changed the sequence of lines around, any input would be welcome! Heart stirring. Have indicated a couple of suggestions. Think about re-writing this in present tense. I think it would add more directness to the message. Your poems are always filled with emotion that seeps into the reader and puts him/her there in the moment. Thanks. Paco Quote
Rea Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Hi Rea, This poem in its sadness has a lovely lyrical sonnet quality. I liked the repetition of the words "I wept" at the beginning of the odd numbered lines. Other than the fact that you broke L14 into 2 lines, the poem appears to follow the criteria of a Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet. You add the dimension of an iambic pattern to the syllabic form which gives it more musicality. You ask for suggestions, mechanically the only thing I could suggest is that you add a "the" or "my" or some single syllabled word in L12 before "spirit numbs" which would be in keeping with the syllable count and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Technically a stronger pivot or twist near the end could take this from a "lovely poem" to something more memorable. I liked this piece, would you mind if I linked it as an example of the Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet? ~~Tink Hello Tink Thank you for taking time to reply, I will make any changes suggested. On writing the poem, I was trying not to infringe, on those left behind, did the message explain? In answer to your question, you may link it as an example. Rea Quote
tonyv Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 A heartfelt elegy, Rea. Writing can help. I guess that's why we do it. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
Rea Posted April 24, 2011 Author Posted April 24, 2011 Hi Rea, This poem in its sadness has a lovely lyrical sonnet quality. I liked the repetition of the words "I wept" at the beginning of the odd numbered lines. Other than the fact that you broke L14 into 2 lines, the poem appears to follow the criteria of a Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet. You add the dimension of an iambic pattern to the syllabic form which gives it more musicality. You ask for suggestions, mechanically the only thing I could suggest is that you add a "the" or "my" or some single syllabled word in L12 before "spirit numbs" which would be in keeping with the syllable count and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Technically a stronger pivot or twist near the end could take this from a "lovely poem" to something more memorable. I liked this piece, would you mind if I linked it as an example of the Cyhydedd Fer Sonnet? ~~Tink Hello Tink I replied to this, but I am unsure if you received it, as I was unable to forward a message to Geoff/Benjamin. I have done a few changes, but Geoff has edited it with startling beauty. Yes, you may use this poem as an example. Regards Rea Quote
dr_con Posted April 24, 2011 Posted April 24, 2011 A well crafted piece that resonates with ache- enjoyed! DC&J Quote thegateless.org
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