eclipse Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 In a carriage I watch a man with cloud shaped eyebrows as he sleeps, the movement of his eyes isn't as accurate as the groove of the train and the stain on his shirt isn't as as deeply red as the patch in the sky threatening rain. In a rhythmic incantation he starts to speak-steam and smoke steam and smoke, the pitch of his voice reaches it's peak- he must have reached the destination of his first dream, straightening his eyebrows as he wakes. I start to unzip my cardigan in the stuffy carriage.The eyes of passengers looking out form tracks for the horizon to run along. We pass lampposts-the snow dressed branches of a tree resembles a chandelier. The call of a thrush sat on a snow wrapped tree stump isn't quite clear-he is the fire in a lamp lighting a candle. A digger picks up rubble, a man dithers and has trouble with a crossword clue, in a field an owl hovers before targeting a shrew. A mother sprays deodorant-outside hundreds of starlings gather into a murmuration. The feet of a crow make no impression at all on black snow, a mother's young brood try to navigate her dark mood. The snow-jeweled eyes of a scarecrow do not offer lies, I watch his shivering wrist and the passing of a sheeted mist spread against the window- a little boy pushes his nose against the glass and the scarecrow watches the boys diamond eyes pass. I finish unzipping my cardigan revealing an “I love Scarborough ” t-shirt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abstrect-christ Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 nicely done, got a little long in its current structure but it wasn't too much of a problem. Quote Pinhead "Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh." Joey "I don't believe you." Pinhead "Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart." "There's a starving beast inside my chestplaying with me until he's boredThen, slowly burying his tusks in my fleshcrawling his way out he rips open old woundsWhen I reach for the knife placed on the bedside tableits blade reflects my determined faceto plant it in my chestand carve a hole so deep it snaps my veinsHollow me out, I want to feel empty"-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreakerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8 "Sky turns to a deeper grey the sun fades by the moon hell's come from the distant hills tortures dreams of the doomed and they pray, yet they prey and they pray, still they prey"-- "Still They Prey" by Coughhttps://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 You seem to have a penchant for trains. ;) I enjoyed this although agree with a.s. re: structure. A rhythm (bearing the train in mind,) would lend itself well to your choice of language. Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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