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Poetry Magnum Opus

A Job Centre


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It wor ever so perplexin' faced wi' all that choice.

I didn't know which way to turn until I 'eard 'is voice.

Reelin' 'em off quick-as-you-please in alphabetic order,

'andin' out 'is little cards wi' "Apply" printed on t' border.

"Acrobat? -- Donkey trainer?--- 'as t' circus come to town?"

"Aye lad, tha could do much worse! -- Fancy bein' a clown?"

"I wor thinkin' o' summat more permanent: Drayman or Fishmonger."

"Tha's got no trainin' lad!" 'e said, an' 'is face grew ever longer.

'E looked at me an' scowled when I mentioned "Lighthouse keeper."

Shook 'is 'ead when I stopped at "Masseuse" an' then "Interpreter."

Laughed out loud wi' "Money-lender" an' tears rolled at "Mortician."

'E said "Bah Gum! Tha's a good un lad, made me day wi' all that wishin'"

"But surely there's a job for me?" I said wi' 'ands a-wringin'.

"Only one but it's spocken for--- tha'd be reet good at Kingin'"

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Different, the dialect feels consistent and authentic and flows. I wanted to be a lighthouse keeper, but realised three's a crowd in a lighthouse!



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liked the scottish or irish format. Been really enjoying Brian Azzarelo's work recently so I can appreciate a good accented piece.


"Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends.

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh."


"I don't believe you."


"Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume.

To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart."

"There's a starving beast inside my chest
playing with me until he's bored
Then, slowly burying his tusks in my flesh
crawling his way out he rips open old wounds

When I reach for the knife placed on the bedside table
its blade reflects my determined face
to plant it in my chest
and carve a hole so deep it snaps my veins

Hollow me out, I want to feel empty"
-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreaker


"Sky turns to a deeper grey

the sun fades by the moon

hell's come from the distant hills

tortures dreams of the doomed

and they pray, yet they prey

and they pray, still they prey"
-- "Still They Prey" by Cough


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]Thanks Badge, Tony and A.S. for reading and leaving comment.

The dialect is Broad Yorkshire (Northern England) where the people are “Tykes” and corruptions of the biblical “thee” and “thou” still prevail. “Bah Gum!” is a diluted form of “By God!” which is usually made comical in the expression “Eh! Bah Gum!” or “Oh! My God!” Glottal stops occur to take the place of “t'” or “the”. Yorkshire and it's dialects have roots in the old Danelaw and the city of York itself was once Yorvik, a Viking settlement. I found it amusing to hear tough Yorkshiremen (miners,steelworkers and farmers) referring to each other as “flower” or “luv”. I wrote numerous anecdotes in this style several years ago; hoping to distribute them through the many stalls at folk music festivals and traditional fairs, but the small publisher retired. I'm not sure if this humour 'travels' very well anyway. For those who may be interested there is an easy to read Glossary of Broad Yorkshire on the link provided.


Edited by Benjamin
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