Invitation

[tonyv]

Listen! I want you to come live with me.
We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours,
that's far from all our friends and family
and work it, nurture it to make it ours --

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,
without an ocean or a middle sea
and all the other things that we now know,

save but a hint of where we used to be
when at the fruit stand or a winery.

[Rea]

Listen, I want you to come live with me.

We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours

that's far from all our friends and family

and work it, nurture it to make it ours --

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

without an ocean, or a middle sea,

and all the other things that we now know,

 

save just a whiff of where you used to be

when at the fruit stand or a winery.

 

 

Hello Tony

I like the way you have written this poem, it's simple, direct, moving, inviting, draws the reader in.

It's an ideal place, as in the perfect word, but even so, it still exists.

It'a all beautifully written, but the last two stanzas stand out, I was going to quote, but unable, the option is

not available here.

Best wishes

Rea

[Rea]

P.S. It reminds me of the poem "An Ode on Solitude" by Alexander Pope", acres of land, and solitude, have been, have seen, and do go back.

Edited June 20, 2011 by Rea

[Benjamin]

Hi Tony. I like the form (novelinee) it's a well balanced and tasteful piece, not too esoteric. The opening line stirred memories of Christopher Marlowe's "Come live with me and be my love." Nicely done. Benjamin

Edited June 20, 2011 by Benjamin

[badger11]

I like the immediacy of the invitation in the opening. A quiet poem, except perhaps for the word 'whiff', but that is your choice.

 

badge

[tonyv]

Hello Tony

I like the way you have written this poem, it's simple, direct, moving, inviting, draws the reader in.

It's an ideal place, as in the perfect word, but even so, it still exists.

It'a all beautifully written, but the last two stanzas stand out, I was going to quote, but unable, the option is

not available here.

Best wishes

Rea

P.S. It reminds me of the poem "An Ode on Solitude" by Alexander Pope", acres of land, and solitude, have been, have seen, and do go back.

 

Thank you, Rea. I'm very pleased with your impressions of this. And yes, I believe, too, that that the place exists.

 

Thanks for the Pope reference, too. I hadn't read the poem, and now that I have, I can certainly appreciate it.

 

Tony

[tonyv]

Hi Tony. I like the form (novelinee) it's a well balanced and tasteful piece, not too esoteric. The opening line stirred memories of Christopher Marlowe's "Come live with me and be my love." Nicely done. Benjamin

Thanks, Benjamin, to you, too. I like how you've characterized the piece.

 

I used the Rainis sonnet form (version abab cac aa). When I looked up the novelinee, I could see the similarities.

 

Thanks also for the Marlowe reference. I hadn't read that one either, but I looked it up and liked the association you made.

 

Tony

[tonyv]

I like the immediacy of the invitation in the opening. A quiet poem, except perhaps for the word 'whiff', but that is your choice.

 

badge

I guess the invitation is direct, and I appreciate the remark.:) And yes, the use of "whiff" was a conscious and difficult choice. In the end I figured it was a fine word despite any connotations. I was thinking to use "hint" or "scent" but ended up with what is there, because I felt it best described the fleeting moment I was trying to capture. I'll have to think about that some more. Thanks, as always, Badge.

 

Tony

[Gatekeeper]

"whiff" works for me, Tony,

but "glimpse" might work as well there.

I think you missed the better conclusion

and might have used

"we" in that line instead of "you"

else she seems too much a stranger

asked to come live with you

(but I am assuming she is not that stranger).

[tonyv]

Thanks, Gatekeeper.

 

I think you missed the better conclusion

and might have used

"we" in that line instead of "you"

else she seems too much a stranger

asked to come live with you

(but I am assuming she is not that stranger).

I used "you" because I wanted it to be clear that the fruit stand is reminiscent of where she used to live, not where I used to live. I realize it does impart that slight sense of unfamiliarity, and it's intentional. I appreciate the close read, that you caught the nuance.

 

Tony

[waxwings]

A lovely poem w/archaic feel, esp. in L4, such as your ancestors or mine would compose before writing was invented.

 

A 'novalinee' has a set rhyme scheme and is, as far as I can find, written as a single, 9-line stanza (It. nova/9, linea/line), while Rainis' sonnet has a quatrain, a tercet and closing couplet, as sonnets should (methinks). The one 'restriction/desire' is to have as many rhymes as can be had and rhymes linking each 'stanza' to at least one other. The couplet is often excused from such linking.

 

You have scripted a most wonderful example. I especially like the masterful variation in 'formal' metrics done in such a way that it took me several reads before noticing the fact that not all lines are strict/pure pentameter.

The special charm then is in a blend of accentual

L1 = trochee, amphibrach, anapest, iamb. But there are other possible alternative scans.

 

The one significant quibble I have is "when" at the beginning of the last line. I recognize the sentiment that makes you use it and accept it, but, semantically, "used to be" is so past perfect while "when " to me is in the future or in the present. I see a disagreement between telling her to "bring a whiff of the place when/where you were/had been. Consider:

 

bring just a whiff of where you used to be,

some far off fruit stand or a winery.

 

Consider "Listen! I ...." The word is strongly evocative or else superfluous.

 

 

 

 

Listen! I want you to come live with me. ~~ (Listen! I love you! Do, come live with me.)

We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours,

that's far from all our friends and family

and work it, nurture it to make it ours.

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

without an ocean or a middle sea, ~~ ? and with no ocean

and all the other things that we now know,

 

save just a whiff of where you used to be ~~ when ~~ you are mixing tenses

when at the fruit stand or a winery. ~~ at some far

Edited July 2, 2011 by waxwings

[fdelano]

Listen, I want you to come live with me.

We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours

that's far from all our friends and family

and work it, nurture it to make it ours --

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

without an ocean, or a middle sea,

and all the other things that we now know,

 

save just a whiff of where you used to be

when at the fruit stand or a winery.

 

A dream world that I think the N is will never experience, for doubt runs throughout. Just me.

fdh

[tonyv]

Nice to have you back, Ikars. I always appreciate your input on my works. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: quite a few of my poems have been greatly improved when I applied your suggestions. As for this poem, I'll make some of the changes forthwith and attempt to clarify my reasoning for some of my other choices.

 

Consider "Listen! I ...." The word is strongly evocative or else superfluous.

I like it. I was trying to achieve a laid back conversational style, but I don't like superfluous. Therefore, I'll go with the interjection. I also like what you suggested for the line that mentions the ocean. I'll use that one, too.

 

The one significant quibble I have is "when" at the beginning of the last line. I recognize the sentiment that makes you use it and accept it, but, semantically, "used to be" is so past perfect while "when " to me is in the future or in the present. I see a disagreement between telling her to "bring a whiff of the place when/where you were/had been. Consider:

 

bring just a whiff of where you used to be,

some far off fruit stand or a winery.

From your remarks, I can see from where the confusion has come. I'm using "save" not as a verb but as a preposition meaning "except" (for). Would it be more clear if I used "save but a whiff of where you used to be"? If you look at it that way, my usage of "when" might make more sense:

 

save but a whiff of where you used to be

when at a fruit stand or a winery

The speaker doesn't want the invitee to bring a whiff from where she used to be, he wants her to detect a whiff of her old home at the new, local market. He doesn't want her to remember a lot about her origins, only a little, lest she start to miss them and want to go back. Please tell me what you think.

 

Tony

 

 

 

Original Version (edits are in post #1):

 

 

Listen, I want you to come live with me.

We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours

that's far from all our friends and family

and work it, nurture it to make it ours --

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

without an ocean, or a middle sea,

and all the other things that we now know,

 

save just a whiff of where you used to be

when at the fruit stand or a winery.

[tonyv]

A dream world that I think the N is will never experience, for doubt runs throughout. Just me.

It is starting to look more and more hopeless, Franklin. Thanks (now that I'm sufficiently depressed, lol).

 

Tony

[Tinker]

Oh Master of the Rainis Sonnet I bow down to you. This is beautiful, I'll come live with you.... Oh sorry, I am way too old and experienced for you. You might not be able to keep up. ~~smile~~

 

Seriously, this really is beautiful and I can't imagine any one not willing to fall into your arms with such a compelling invitation. The fluid musicality of this piece is matched only by alluring images. You've had enough critiques, I just want to read, enjoy and dream....

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

Oh Master of the Rainis Sonnet I bow down to you. This is beautiful, I'll come live with you.... Oh sorry, I am way too old and experienced for you. You might not be able to keep up. ~~smile~~

 

Seriously, this really is beautiful and I can't imagine any one not willing to fall into your arms with such a compelling invitation. The fluid musicality of this piece is matched only by alluring images. You've had enough critiques, I just want to read, enjoy and dream....

 

~~Tink

Too old and experienced, Tinker???:)) But really, thank you for your lovely comments. Glad you enjoyed it.

 

Tony :)

[Maggie London]

Listen! I want you to come live with me.

We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours,

that's far from all our friends and family

and work it, nurture it to make it ours --

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

and with no ocean or a middle sea,

and all the other things that we now know,

 

save but a whiff of where you used to be

when at the fruit stand or a winery. **

 

 

* Wondering about your trying a substitution in this line, maybe an anapest to open the line

 

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

with no ocean, one with no middle sea, *

or any of the things we've come to know.

 

 

 

** The line sounds like you forced a rhyme. Am wondering since this is about two individuals,

why only one is singled out in the couplet. I think if that's going to happen, the content of the couplet

needs to be stronger in the message and image department.

 

 

 

Maggie

Edited July 5, 2011 by Maggie London

[tonyv]

Listen! I want you to come live with me.

We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours,

that's far from all our friends and family

and work it, nurture it to make it ours --

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

and with no ocean or a middle sea,

and all the other things that we now know,

 

save but a whiff of where you used to be

when at the fruit stand or a winery. **

 

 

* Wondering about your trying a substitution in this line, maybe an anapest to open the line

 

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

with no ocean, one with no middle sea, *

or any of the things we've come to know.

 

 

 

** The line sounds like you forced a rhyme. Am wondering since this is about two individuals,

why only one is singled out in the couplet. I think if that's going to happen, the content of the couplet

needs to be stronger in the message and image department.

 

 

 

Maggie

Hi, Maggie, and welcome. I'm excited that you've joined.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this poem. I'll have to think about the anapest(s). I consciously try to avoid them, but I suppose I could loosen up a bit. On the few occasions that I have used them, they haven't been objectionable and might have even improved the works.

 

I explained the part about using "you" as opposed to "we" to another reader in the last paragraph of comment number thirteen. So you're not alone in that notion, and your remark about the need for a stronger connection is well taken.

 

As for the rhyme at the end, I don't think it's forced. The winery ties in logically with the grapes I mentioned in the second verse.

 

 

Tony

[Aleksandra]

Listen! I want you to come live with me.

We'll pick a place that's neither mine nor yours,

that's far from all our friends and family

and work it, nurture it to make it ours --

 

a place that's too far north for grapes to grow,

and with no ocean or a middle sea,

and all the other things that we now know,

 

save but a whiff of where you used to be

when at the fruit stand or a winery.

 

 

I am afraid that, that kind of place doesn't exist, although I wish it does... :). Your poem, as a poem, it's very beautiful, and it gives a special whiff of an old time. And it's strange, I live in a winery area, and I never felt the whiff of it... :)

 

Anyway, my dear Tony, this poem, is amazingly written, and I always admired you, how you can handle with such a topic, with a such words, that presses someones heart with its power... I loved it. You never failed with your poetry, it makes me even jealous.

 

Great job, and by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

 

Hugs,

 

Aleksandra

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

Hiya Tony, :icon_sunny:

 

firstoff i can't believe i missed this. and all it is a masterpiece. everything but the last sentence the word save could be changed. a few of the other line structure or words being changed suggestions might work with your poem sonnet but it doesn't feel right reading other peoples inputs for your poem. hope all iswell my friend.

 

 

secondoff. btw happy bithday mu cherished friend. have a great day. :party on:

 

 

thirdoff: aleks is correct is there no place you mention in your poem. :icon_cool:

 

 

 

victor~~

[tonyv]

Thank you, Alek, for the feedback (and for the birthday wishes).

 

... And it's strange, I live in a winery area, and I never felt the whiff of it... :)

I didn't mean that the winery had any particular odor; I don't know if they do, because I've never even been to one. The speaker simply wants the invitee to detect a subtle essence (while visiting a local winery or fruit vendor) that reminds her of her home.

 

Tony

 

note: I italicized the word "you" in L8 to help show that the choice of pronoun was deliberate. Hopefully it prompts readers to consider more possibilities.

[tonyv]

And thank you, Victor, for your enthusiastic input and for the birthday wishes. It's nice to see you!

 

Tony :)