Rea Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Just like a dream I love the way you drape your heart Hang it on my every part Your words emit a tear like stream Your beauty's hidden - Just like a dream © Rea 2nd July 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Just like a dream I love the way you drape your heart Hang it on my every part Your words emit a tear like stream Your beauty's hidden - Just like a dream © Rea 2nd July 2011 One of the great dramas of life, to discover the false lover. Excellent lament with so few words. fdh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Just like a dream I love the way you drape your heart Hang it on my every part Your words emit a tear like stream Your beauty's hidden - Just like a dream © Rea 2nd July 2011 One of the great dramas of life, to discover the false lover. Excellent lament with so few words. fdh Hello FDH Thank you for replying, this has nothing to do with a false lover, it's admiration for someone who speaks from his heart, but not done often enough, there's a beauty that shows from within, when someone speaks with heartfelt emotion. It tranfixes and transforms, facial expression. Best wishes Rea Edited July 2, 2011 by Rea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Hi Rea, This is a sweet sentiment. I like the compact cinquain frame. If I can offer a suggestion. The sonics of this poem resonate. The poem is eloquent in the soft sound of its language, with strong sounds coming from the close knit rhyme. L5 "just like" sounds sharp and out of place to me in this setting. This is just my opinion. I wonder if you tried something more personal with softer sonics.. one idea "within" a dream or even a softer simile transition "as in" a dream. It is all about sonics. How does this sound when read aloud? This poem has a great rhythm and it isn't easy to make an impact in such a short poem. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I think Tinker has hit on a key point and I agree that the harder tone of those words is perhaps not the best fit. We each have our own poetry voice and I am only beginning to hear your voice. Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Hi Rea, This is a sweet sentiment. I like the compact cinquain frame. If I can offer a suggestion. The sonics of this poem resonate. The poem is eloquent in the soft sound of its language, with strong sounds coming from the close knit rhyme. L5 "just like" sounds sharp and out of place to me in this setting. This is just my opinion. I wonder if you tried something more personal with softer sonics.. one idea "within" a dream or even a softer simile transition "as in" a dream. It is all about sonics. How does this sound when read aloud? This poem has a great rhythm and it isn't easy to make an impact in such a short poem. ~~Tink Hello Tink If I changed the last line, I would be changing the image, I am trying to portray, as in; "Your beauty's hidden, just like a dream"....meaning hidden beauty, just like a dream...a kind of simile... Your sugggestion; Your beauty's hidden within a dream...it would take away the image that I am portraying, as "beauty is just hidden", "beauty is not within a dream". Thank you for input, suggestions to keep that above as it, will be appreciated. Best wishes Rea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Just like a dream I love the way you drape your heart Hang it on my every part Your words emit a tear like stream Your beauty's hidden - Just like a dream © Rea 2nd July 2011 How about this, Rea? You could easily make this metrical: I love the way you drape your heart and hang it on my every part. Your words emit a tear like stream; your beauty's hidden like a dream. Just a thought. Not sure if it would alter your intent. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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