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Just like a dream....


Rea
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Just like a dream

I love the way you drape your heart

Hang it on my every part

Your words emit a tear like stream

Your beauty's hidden -

Just like a dream

 

© Rea 2nd July 2011

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Just like a dream

I love the way you drape your heart

Hang it on my every part

Your words emit a tear like stream

Your beauty's hidden -

Just like a dream

 

© Rea 2nd July 2011

 

One of the great dramas of life, to discover the false lover. Excellent lament with so few words.

fdh

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Just like a dream

I love the way you drape your heart

Hang it on my every part

Your words emit a tear like stream

Your beauty's hidden -

Just like a dream

 

© Rea 2nd July 2011

 

One of the great dramas of life, to discover the false lover. Excellent lament with so few words.

fdh

 

Hello FDH

Thank you for replying, this has nothing to do with a false lover, it's admiration for someone who speaks from his heart, but not done often enough, there's a beauty that shows from within, when someone speaks with heartfelt emotion. It tranfixes and transforms, facial expression.

Best wishes

Rea

Edited by Rea
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Hi Rea, This is a sweet sentiment. I like the compact cinquain frame.

 

If I can offer a suggestion. The sonics of this poem resonate. The poem is eloquent in the soft sound of its language, with strong sounds coming from the close knit rhyme. L5 "just like" sounds sharp and out of place to me in this setting. This is just my opinion. I wonder if you tried something more personal with softer sonics.. one idea "within" a dream or even a softer simile transition "as in" a dream. It is all about sonics. How does this sound when read aloud?

 

This poem has a great rhythm and it isn't easy to make an impact in such a short poem.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Gatekeeper

I think Tinker has hit on a key point and I agree that the harder tone of those words is perhaps not the best fit.

 

We each have our own poetry voice and I am only beginning to hear your voice.

from the black desert

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Hi Rea, This is a sweet sentiment. I like the compact cinquain frame.

 

If I can offer a suggestion. The sonics of this poem resonate. The poem is eloquent in the soft sound of its language, with strong sounds coming from the close knit rhyme. L5 "just like" sounds sharp and out of place to me in this setting. This is just my opinion. I wonder if you tried something more personal with softer sonics.. one idea "within" a dream or even a softer simile transition "as in" a dream. It is all about sonics. How does this sound when read aloud?

 

This poem has a great rhythm and it isn't easy to make an impact in such a short poem.

 

~~Tink

 

Hello Tink

If I changed the last line, I would be changing the image, I am trying to portray, as in;

"Your beauty's hidden, just like a dream"....meaning hidden beauty, just like a dream...a kind of simile...

 

Your sugggestion;

Your beauty's hidden within a dream...it would take away the image that I am portraying, as "beauty is just hidden", "beauty is not within a dream".

Thank you for input, suggestions to keep that above as it, will be appreciated.

Best wishes

Rea

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Just like a dream

I love the way you drape your heart

Hang it on my every part

Your words emit a tear like stream

Your beauty's hidden -

Just like a dream

 

© Rea 2nd July 2011

 

How about this, Rea? You could easily make this metrical:

 

I love the way you drape your heart

and hang it on my every part.

Your words emit a tear like stream;

your beauty's hidden like a dream.

 

Just a thought. Not sure if it would alter your intent.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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