Tinker Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Fire Dance (revision 2) Flames climb a stage of pines. A troupe of ballerinas adorned in scored silk skirts of luminous reds and gold reach to the night sky. The chorus line pivots and leaps in cadence with the rhythm of the wind. Dancers pirouette in mindless unison focused on their hunger. Brilliant costumes obscure charred blackened feet while eyes are drawn high to watch the vamp of graceful fingers beckon in selfish destruction. ~~Judi Van Gorder Fire Dance (revision 1) Flames climb a stage of pines,a troupe of ballerinas adorned in scored silk skirts of luminous reds and golds.The chorus line pivots and leaps in cadence with the rhythm of the wind. Dancers pirouette in mindless unison focused on their hunger.Brilliant costumes obscure charred blackened feet while eyes are drawn high to watch the vamp of graceful fingersbeckon in selfish destruction. ----Judi Van Gorder Fire Dance (original) The storm climbs a stage of pines like ballerinas adorned in scored silk skirts in a swirl of luminous orange and reds.The chorus pivots and leaps in cadence with the rhythm of the wind. Dancers pirouettein mindless unisonfocused on their hunger.The brilliant costumes obscure the charred blackened feet while eyes are drawn high to watch the vamp of graceful fingers. A selfish display of dazzling destructive beauty. ----Judi Van Gorder Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Beautiful Tinker! And a worrisome reminder of current fire season here in California- A wonderful piece. Many Thanks, DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Enjoyed the dance depiction, especially as a retired burner (prescriptions, that is). I understand the fierce beauty I sometimes created. A couple of puzzlements, however: Not sure your intent with "scored silk skirts". I assume you mean the score of the dance, but I couldn't help wanting it to read scorched. The last lines - "A selfish display of dazzling destructive beauty" - have me thinking that you have overplayed your hand, told the reader the lesson. I know the good feeling of clinching the poem at the end but it often doesn't read well and may insult the reader with the obvious. Sometimes when I am editing my own work I drop such lines with the assumption that the reader gets it and shouldn't be told. Otherwise I try rewrites and if I'm lucky, come up with perhaps an impression, an opinion, or maybe an experience, rather than a lesson. In this case, if you dropped the dazzling line, you might continue the previous line with ". . . destroying with a selfish beauty". Or, enhance the analogy and bring it back to the stage, in your first line, with "destroying the set with a selfish beauty". Fire is beautiful . . . and all that other stuff too. Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Vivid and vibrant Tink. As they say in PFFA land - a lot of modifiers, but I feel your need to be exact rather than vague - as regards the show/tell issues, well I've written plenty of show no tell poem that have just become readers' playgrounds. Selfish, destructive beauty brought a focus to my thinking. enjoyed badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Fire Dance The storm climbs a stage of pines like ballerinas adorned in scored silk skirts in a swirl of luminous orange and reds. The chorus pivots and leaps in cadence with the rhythm of the wind. Dancers pirouette in mindless unison focused on their hunger. The brilliant costumes obscure the charred blackened feet while eyes are drawn high to watch the vamp of graceful fingers. A selfish display of dazzling destructive beauty. ----Judi Van Gorder Hello Tinker That's beautifully written, stunning imagery, cleverly crafted similes, a joy to read. Best wishes Rea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) Hi Tink. I enjoyed the read and I like the analogy, the way you've captured the dance. My only nit is the use of long sentences in such a short poem. St 2 perhaps could read, “Dancers pirouette/ in mindless unison./ Focus on their hunger.” This may add an urgency and offer the opportunity to amend a couple of definite articles in the following lines to make it sound less prose-like. Benjamin Edited July 4, 2011 by Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Thank you DC, Yes fire season is upon us and living in a designated wildfire area, I am especially conscious of the destructive nature of the beast. I have been blessed and as of yet not had to evacuate although we came close one year. We had the car packed with wedding pictures and other unreplaceables and truck hooked to the horse trailer ready to load up the horses waiting for the word to get out. It never happened but the fire came within 3 miles. The area has since recovered but precautions are always taken this time of year to reduce fire danger. Hi Gatekeeper, I have to admit I wrote this poem a few years ago observing a fire in the San Bernardino mountains after helping my son and family to evacute his home. The fire succeeded in scortching the cover on his ski boat that he left behind, but thankfully there was no other damage. When I first started writing I thought I was supposed to "summarize". When I posted the poem here, I too thought I probably should take out the last 2 lines as redundant and even as you pointed out, an insult to my readers... But, I liked the alliteration and I was being lazy and posted the piece as written. Now reading your comments confirming my instincts and yet also reading Badger's point about focus, I decided to strike a compromise. As for the scored skirt, to score = to cut in lines A common technique used in dance costumes to give a graceful ragged effect, each strip moves in its own graceful motion. Hi Rea, Thanks for commenting, I probably should have begun with metaphor rather than simile but the words just didn't flow as smoothly. From that point I continued in an extended metaphor and hoped it would work in making the switch. I don't know if I violated any technical norms but it felt right for me. I appreciate your recognizing my attempt. Hi Badge, I know, I struggled with whether or not to include some of those adjectives but the observed image was so vital, it was hard to mute it. And yes if you note my reply to Gatekeeper... Early on I wrote a lot of telly poems and especially felt I at least had to explain myself in the end. Showing a little growth I did pause when posting this older poem and considered deleting the last two lines but got lazy and just posted as is. After your comment as well as Gatekeepers, I gave it a little thought and tried a compromise. Thanks....... Hey Geoff, You have given me food for thought. I have to admit I tend to like a more conversational style, it feels more me. I tend to talk too much if you hadn't already noticed. But I do understand it does give it a prosey sound. I am always trying to reign myself in and strike a happy medium between poetry and prose. I will play with this keeping in mind your suggestions and see what happens. Thanks for the prompt. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 A selfish display of dazzling destructive beauty. Tink, I was fine with the original concluding lines - perhaps I'm a lazy reader :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie London Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I have a nit with the in the opening lines: the singularity of storm and the plurality of ballerinas, and then ownership of the chorus. My thinking would be to create more specific action in the first few lines by mentioning fires and removing storm. It opens the 1S up to be more creative with language. Here's an example of what I mean. Fires climb a stage of pines like ballerinas adorned in a swirl of luminous reds while the chorus, and its irregular cadence, competes with the driving dynamics of the wind. Maggie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Hi Maggie, Thank you so much, I knew it sounded off to me but couldn't nail it and yet it was so simple... Singular vs plural. I really like your interpretion which flows beautifully. Love "driving dynamics" I wish I thought of that. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie London Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Glad I could help. Maggie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I really like how you liken the wildfire to a performing art making it almost seem controlled. It's like an amusement park thrill ride that appears out of control but is not really dangerous to the observer (or the rider). You capture the energy of the display quite well. The first verse "sets the stage." Momentum picks up in the second verse, especially in its first three lines. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Fire Dance (revision) The fire storm climbs a stage of pines like a troupe of ballerinas adorned in scored silk skirts of luminous reds. The chorus pivots and leaps in cadence with the rhythm of the wind. Dancers pirouette in mindless unison focused on their hunger. The brilliant costumes obscure the charred blackened feet while eyes are drawn high to watch the vamp of graceful fingers beckon in selfish destruction. . ------------------- ----Judi Van Gorder Fire Dance The storm climbs a stage of pines like ballerinas adorned in scored silk skirts in a swirl of luminous orange and reds. The chorus pivots and leaps in cadence with the rhythm of the wind. Dancers pirouette in mindless unison focused on their hunger. The brilliant costumes obscure the charred blackened feet while eyes are drawn high to watch the vamp of graceful fingers. A selfish display of dazzling destructive beauty. ----Judi Van Gorder Fire Dance is so illustrative that this is one of the few times when I think more is more, thus my preference for the first version. "Pine ballerinas" performing brilliantly as they are caught up in the score. Professional and beautiful, and I feel the heat. fdh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Hi Tinker, I'm new around here, still learning the rules. I assume that the presence of two revisions invites a little more commentary than the "general." My take: I'll go with less is more, in this case. The ending is much improved - emphasizes telling over judging. I am also a fan of the double meanings "stage" and "score" mixed in with the deft metaphors and personifications. There is even a "pyre" in pirouhette. Nice use of ambiguity to swell the poem. - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Love this revision it's excellent. B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 Hi Franklin, Thank you so much for the kind words. I know, I usually choose the 1st draft too because it is closest to the source of the emotion. But I try to find that balance between craft and soul which usually takes a few rewrites. I appreciate your connection. Hi Badger, I know, I kind of like a poem summed up too. I like the word play but I am trying to learn to trust my reader to get it without explanation. Hi Dave, Welcome to PMO. I know there are rules and I should have put a CA in my subject line to indicate critique appreciated but most here know, I am always open to suggestions to improve my writing. CA indicated or not. Thanks for the astute observation of my piece. Hey Geoff, Thank you for coming back and rereading. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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