Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) ok this is the revision of this poem. and i deleted it the older version here and i placed it in another reply of this post. enjoy. this poem was not bad but it did need some more continuity. victor... Revision... When I Fell In Love With You... retitled: When I First Fell In Love With Someone On Earth... I saw you in a church that I use to frequent often. I didn't want you to leave my horizon's peak after that. You captured my heart then like the magic that makes us breath. I wanted to dance with you after I married you. We would Wed at the church I grew up in and attended every week. I burned on fire at our wedding. The whole world did watch us smile when we embraced and said "I do" after we exchanged our vows. This was to be the last sunset of our lives. We made love till sunrise Everybody we knew was dead and buried so long before we had a chance to ever say our goodbyes. Like the dreams we used to have like so long ago when we were children while the sky was crying on us when we were dancing on the sea. Fire works were exploding all over Earth. No one knew or noticed what was coming. This minute a few was able to see their demise as their world and ours ended in a million explosions. Edited August 15, 2011 by Larsen M. Callirhoe Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe
tonyv Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Multi-layered in your usual, accessible style, Victor. I enjoyed all of it, but I especially liked "the last sunset of my life" and "fire works were exploding all over earth." Good to see you. I hope you've been well. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 thanks tony for responding. i have my ups and downs like everyone else. victor michael Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe
badger11 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 when we were childrenwhile the sky was crying on us when we were dancing on the sea. Almost a foreboding vic. The immense sky and sea, the children dancing in the moment careless of the future. badge Quote
dr_con Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Larsen, with a nice summary of Eternal Return as it were A solid reflective piece- Well wrought my friend! DC&J Quote thegateless.org
Benjamin Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Hello Victor. This builds up nicely through a panoply of imagery and feeling into a great climax. I particularly liked “the sky was crying on us when we were dancing on the sea”. Benjamin. Quote
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) ok this is a revision of the poem. Revision... When I Fell In Love With You retitled: When I First Fell In Love With Someone On Earth... I saw you in a church that I use to frequent often. I didn't want you to leave my horizon's peak after that. You captured my heart then like the magic that makes us breath. I wanted to dance with you after I married you. We would Wed at the church I grew up in and attended every week. I burned on fire at our wedding. The whole world did watch us smile when we embraced and said "I do" after we exchanged our vows. This was to be the last sunset of our lives. We made love till sunrise Everybody we knew was dead and buried so long before we had a chance to ever say our goodbyes. Like the dreams we used to have like so long ago when we were children while the sky was crying on us when we were dancing on the sea. Fire works were exploding all over Earth. No one knew or noticed what was coming. This minute a few was able to see their demise as their world and ours ended in a million explosion. this is the old one:... when i feel in love with you i saw you in a store that i used to go to often. i didn't want you to leave my horizon's peak. you captured my heart like the magic that makes us breath i wanted to dance with you after i married you at a church i grew up in. i burned on fire at our wedding. the whole world watched us smiling it was the last sunset of my life. we made love till sunrise everybody we knew was dead and buried so long ago. like the dreams we used to have lke so long ago when we were children while the sky was crying on us when we were dancing on the sea. fire works were exploding all over earth. no one knew what was coming as the world ended in a million explosion. Edited August 15, 2011 by Larsen M. Callirhoe Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 ok everyone thank you for the responses and feedback. vry much appreciated. alll smiles from me amigos and amiga. also i submitted the remake n orignal post andi then took out original poem and placed it in reply to the post so others can see if i did better or not to improve said poem. victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe
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