Pieces

[JoelJosol]

There is no bridge____________________ nor causeway between

your absence and____________________my desire. It is

 

a heavy log to carry____________________whose weight will plunge it

down my mental chasm,____________________to undefined depths of insanity,

from where anguish____________________does not rise to be heard,

but muted by____________________a thick air of uncertainty

where love like a flame____________________can only glow faintly.

 

There is no reminder,____________________or signal, nor smoke

that can rise____________________to advertise my longing

or traces of it____________________in burnt ashes or embers

for you to look upon,__________the monsoon rains drenched them,

pushing them onto our gap,________crashing down on sharp surfaces

to break up___________________like pieces of myself.

[Aleksandra]

Wonderful imageries and expressions.

Joel the visual view on the poem same beautiful. I like it a lot. The breaking of the lines / expressions sounds and looks wonderful and makes the sense much more deeper.

 

Lovely write.

 

Aleksandra

[goldenlangur]

Hello JoelJosol,

 

 

When I sat back away from the screen your poem's shape came to light! I like how you divide the poem into two halves on either side of the page to underline the chasm in the longing and the fulfillment.

 

You have a good sonority in the subtle rhymes you've used: "insanity, uncertainty, rise, advertise" and also the image of the "monsoon rains" which flush away all evidence of love and yearning.

 

 

There's a small nit - I wonder if you need "neither" in the opening line: "There is neither bridge" to offset the "nor" in "nor causeway"; or perhaps "there is no bridge "or" (rather than "nor") causeway?

 

Therefore:

 

"There is neither bridge nor causeway" or "There is no bridge or causeway".

 

This of course is only my reading and do feel free to ignore this point if your're happy with your poem as it stands.

 

goldenlangur

[tonyv]

I'm enjoying your recent experimentation with typography and layout on the page. I think the first half of the poem is especially powerful with the opening lines and the log metaphor:

JoelJosol wrote:

There is no bridge

____________________

nor causeway between

your absence and

____________________

my desire. It is

 

a heavy log to carry

____________________

whose weight will plunge it

down my mental chasm,

____________________

to undefined depths of insanity,

from where anguish

____________________

does not rise to be heard ...

I like this one a lot, Joel. Thanks for sharing it.

 

Tony

[JoelJosol]

GL, thank you for the catch. I will take up your feedback.

 

Thanks, GL and Tony, for appreciating the shape of the form here. I've got another one to post experimenting with form shape.