eclipse Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I no longer feel the flames of this fire straddling two world's. How helplessly i lay in the attic bay as the fire-starter carves his names into the remains of my heart while firemen carry me away on eternity's cart. I can see figures scaffolding vision's out of Cains quickened gaze in the mirrored sky of my new home as i am raised into the waiting room. In the distance surgeons are updating my new existence, they operate grafting a screen onto my stomach, in the mirrored sky in this new implant my previous life passes by Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 like the title. it correlates with the poem. you have a very catchy cadence type rythm to thi. much enjoy... victor michael Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 As always a compelling surreality carries the weight of real-world trauma. The closing eight lines are breathless and riveting - could make even more so with removal of "as" and going straight to "I am / raised ..." For me the punctuation (innovation or oversight?) distracts from the poem's movement, so I would request bringing the apostrophes in where needed, removed where not. I also would like a stronger second sentence, but I think I may have already outworn my welcome, since this has not CA marking. Thanks for another original insight with the emotion to go with it. - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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