Reflections and Hardships... (metered poem

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

Relations and Hardships... (First Revision)

 

Don't tell me you have forgotten who I

really am already in this cold world.

I am called Victor Michael. So look at

me now and call me by my proper name.

 

Can you tell me where the first voyage

of this vessel is heading? Please, do tell.

The wind speaks to me moving me away

from my domain on a desert island.

 

I look off the balcony of this ship's

unique horizon I am sailing on.

This interesting adventure I'm on

partakes of shows the majestic cosmos.

 

In the grand and eternal scheme I notice

nothing more then the reflections of all

the vast stars glory on the seas. They do

illuminate eternally for us.

 

Yesterday has come and gone way to fast

for me to not stand up and take notice

of the plight of the desperate youthful

constant struggles in this revolving world.

 

Is it healthy for me to always drown

all my thoughts fixated on only my own

reflections of selfish wantons? Tell me

why I'm the only one then reflecting?

 

Somewhere in my lives adventure I want

to touch your heart. So, please don't go? I need

you in my life. So give me one more chance.

I was so naive' when I was younger.

 

You didn't even seem to care that you

walked over me spending every dime that

I ever earned that I gave you also.

Money does not bring happiness anyway.

 

At a gathering sometimes you tend to

be so vain. The honest truth is that time

seems to have finally caught up with me.

With reflection and hardship life is hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Original poem...

 

 

 

Reflections and Hardships...

 

Can you tell me where this epic voyage

of this vessel is heading? Please, do tell.

The wind speaks to me moving me away

from my castle on a vacant island.

 

Look at me and call me by my proper

name now, please. I am called Victor Michael.

Don't tell me you have forgotten who I

really am already in this cold world.

 

I look off the balcony of this ship’s

unique horizon I am sailing on.

This interesting adventure I’m on

partakes of shows the majestic cosmos.

 

In the grandeur’s scheme above. I notice

nothing more then the reflections of all

the vast stars glory on the seas. They do

illuminate eternally for us.

 

Yesterday has come and gone way to fast

for me to not stand up and take notice

of the plight of the desperate youthful

constant struggles in this revolving world.

 

Is it healthy for me to always drown

all my thoughts fixated on only my own

reflections of selfish wantons? Tell me

why I’m the only one then reflecting.

 

Somewhere in my lives adventure I want

to touch your heart. So please don't go I need

you in my life. So give me one more chance.

I was so naive’ when I was younger.

 

At a party sometimes you tend to be

so vain. The honest truth is that time seems

to have finally caught up with me, At

the party I slurped one down, to many.

 

You didn't even seem to care that you

walked all over me spending every

dime that I ever earned that I gave

you also with reflections and hardships.

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Victor, this one has a breezy exuberance for fresh outlooks, demanding that the universe take notice of the speaker and where his journey is taking him. Since you describe it as a draft, I assume you are not looking for folks to point out typos and spelling errors (i.e. the title got truncated, "too" instead of "to", etc.)

 

My principle observation is that the poem sometimes appears to succumb to the chief temptation of metered verse - filling in words to flesh out the scansion and foot count. What often works for me is to delete redundant or non-essential words, even conjunctions and adjectives, even whole sentences. Look at what is left and judge it as free verse. Then start filling in with what sounds good to the ear, what startles the mind with its seldom-expressed insight. Only then, do I revisit the meter and see what happens. I think a process like that could benefit this worthwhile questing, probing poem.

 

Note on the "grandeur above" - is there a way to describe the starry heavens in a way that demonstrates the grandeur, rather than pronounce it as grand and eternal? Just a thought.

 

- Dave

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

hey gang, i did a rewrite on this, i could change one stanza and delete the first refrain but i am working on metered writing format.

 

 

 

victor

[tonyv]

Victor this is terrific. I especially like how the speaker addresses his subjects in the first verse. It's dignified and commands respect, although not in an obvious, offensive manner. I also like how it meanders, as your poems often do, seamlessly from the metaphorical to the litreal and vice versa. It's exciting that you're taking an interest in meter.

 

Tony

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

hi tony and david, i am working on a rewrite of L1 of verse 4. i will change some stuff in this. i did some of both issues david mentioned. still work in progress. thanks for the comments.

 

 

 

victor