Seasonal

[Benjamin]

High in the blackened branches trilling,

inherent needs set them apart.

Birds gather, infinitely milling,

all anxious for their trip to start.

And wild geese in formation wending,

loud cackling 'cheerios' are sending

to shrinking woods, whose borrowed time

is etched in cords of twisted grime.

And leaden skies, with colour, matching

the fat grey doves in market squares.

Please 'stay at homes,' who stake their shares

and never seem to tire of watching;

though seldom venture far alas,

from humans and their fast food trash.

[tonyv]

I've set out more than once with the goal of producing one of these yet have always given up or fallen short. This Pushkin sonnet is exceptionally well composed in impeccable meter. I don't like the twist it takes in the last four lines, especially the last line, but that's not to detract from the poem; it really works well the way it is. I just think I would have preferred nature only, a simple pastoral without the irritating human element.

 

Grumpily,

 

Tony :)

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Benjamin, I am impressed with your abiltiy to implement the rhyme scheme rigorously (including appropriately spaced feminine and masculine varieties!). I also note and applaud judicious use of substitution in the meter. Truth be told, I never even heard of this form until read your poem today and followed Tony's discussion. Thanks for the prompt.

 

I do not see a 'CA' on this one, so I will limit my comments appropriately. I do agree with Tony's expressed preferences above.

 

- Dave

[Benjamin]

Hello Tony and thank you for your comments which are always welcome. The change of summer to autumn evokes strong feelings in most of us. Living close to both town and country I'm aware of how nature and humanity are inextricably destined to affect each other. The last lines here blew in with the leaves and probably reflect my mindset (at the time)a little more than they affect the poem. Regards G :icon_sunny:

 

Dave. Detailed information on this form may be read following the link.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onegin_stanza

 

In retrospect I think perhaps two 14 line stanzas would have worked better. I do however, like the flexibility that this form offers. The mixture of masculine and feminine line ends allow a conversational rhythm that one struggles to obtain with caesurae in iambic pentameter. I wrote this last year though looking at it again regret the over-use of "ing" words. I'm always open to constructive crit. even if there is no "CA." I think Tony is aware of that and after all we are all grown-ups here.Thanks for your response. Regards. G

[tonyv]

Hello Tony and thank you for your comments which are always welcome. The change of summer to autumn evokes strong feelings in most of us. Living close to both town and country I'm aware of how nature and humanity are inextricably destined to affect each other. The last lines here blew in with the leaves and probably reflect my mindset (at the time)a little more than they affect the poem. Regards G :icon_sunny:

 

Dave. Detailed information on this form may be read following the link.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onegin_stanza

 

In retrospect I think perhaps two 14 line stanzas would have worked better. I do however, like the flexibility that this form offers. The mixture of masculine and feminine line ends allow a conversational rhythm that one struggles to obtain with caesurae in iambic pentameter. I wrote this last year though looking at it again regret the over-use of "ing" words. I'm always open to constructive crit. even if there is no "C.A." I think Tony is aware of that and after all we are all grown-ups here.Thanks for your response. Regards. G

Thanks for the informative link, Geoff. Just to point out, we have the Pushkin Sonnet featured right here on our site, too, in Tinker's reference section.

 

My reply was more of a reflection of my disgruntled disposition yesterday than a criticism, and I hope it didn't come across the wrong way. I thought the poem was really good. It evoked a strong emotional response and, therefore, was successful. I often set out to write a poem, a pastoral for example, and, find that, by the end of the process, the finished product has morphed into something else, be it a poem that makes a political statement or whatnot. When that happens, if that wasn't my original intent, it makes no difference; I accept the poem anyway, because the outcome could still be a poem that a reader will enjoy. In the case of your poem, the last lines just "blew in with the leaves," :) and, after all, reflected your mindset when you composed the poem. And one couldn't ask for a better result.

 

Tony :icon_sunny:

[Benjamin]

Tony.

Your tact is impeccable that only a blackguard would take offence. The reference section provided by Tinker is excellent and the effort you both put in here is much appreciated by this old codger. G. :icon_sunny: