JoelJosol Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 The downpour blurs the colors outside the window pane, you alone appear like a torrent washing down my face. I let you cling to me as if to drench my shirt but you leave me so soon, the sky breaking out in blue and here I am still soaking from you. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach
Tinker Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Although I responded to this on the Connection, this small poem was well worth reading again here. A good one. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to [email protected]
JoelJosol Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Thanks, Tinks. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 great use of metaphors. i enjoyed reading this. you need to put your poems into a book. i would buy it. you have a way with words. does it come out natural or do you ponder over what wods to use in some of your poems. mine is all natural. only a few poems did i work on for a few months. larse Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe
tonyv Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I agree with Victor, the rain/wetness metaphor works very well. I like how you carry it all the way through to its logical conclusion at the end of the poem: downpour>drenched shirt>aftermath. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
JoelJosol Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Thank you, Larsen and Tony. Usually, Larsen, the image and the metaphor comes first which then dictates the diction. I write it as soonest it comes to mind. Then, revise it later if I or others like feedback from our community point out a weakness. To borrow from Auden, I don't change the feeling or thought just the language chosen to say it. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach
Frank E Gibbard Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Good central image Joel well maintained throughout. Frank Quote
goldenlangur Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Hi JoelJosol, There's a strong erotic current in this poem and the images of the "downpour/torrent /soaking" all enhance this sensuality. The only nit is the image of the "drenched shirt" - I find it a bit cliched. An alternative - "drenched sheet"? But I could be mistaken in my reading. Do ignore my remark as you see fit. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.
JoelJosol Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Hi GL. Thanks for the feedback, I have revised that part and will reflect it here. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach
Aleksandra Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Wonderful metaphorical poem and very good usage of all metaphors and imageries. This poem works so well and the feelings comes one by another woven in a nice verses. Much enjoyed Joel Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia
JoelJosol Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 (edited) Happy to hear that, Aleksandra. I tweaked the first couplet to provide clarity to "colors". Edited May 13, 2009 by JoelJosol Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach
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