eclipse Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 At night my friend and I would look up at the stars without a telescope we would pour the night into two jars my mother claimed that in our chimney lived a ghost he would elude the flames and do his utmost to make mischief creating shapes out of the smoke By the fire my Mother would tell stories of the nightjars they were as elusive as fire of the nearest stars under the moon at night I would hear my Mother sing our intelligent sleeping ghost would wake, joining in whistling In the morning my jar was filled with the splendid sounds of nightjars my friend and I slowly searched the grounds for this elusive bird in the graveyards and the local park we watched the swans take flight close to dark uplift from water to wing was like a gift of gold from castle to king with beauty gone we were like a ruby separated from it's ring Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Verrrry nice (!) and I like the way you try to keep to a couplet rhyming scheme although a couple (ouch) are a bit stretched: ghost/utmost smoke/ ? nightjars/ stars sing/ whistling. I think in these cases the syllable count is the problem. I liked it. It's a nice gentle poem. Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Filled with ethos and mystery; diction, image, and pace blend to a nearly inerrant sense of form. Only upon revisiting does the connoisseur detect minor defect in rhyme and scansion, as Brendan says. But I should say that I do not mind the "stretched" rhymes so much as the surrounding effects. For example: sing-sleeping-whistling- morning is at least one too many -ings for my ear. I also do not mind a line ending that does not rhyme with any of the others. If the couplet guides you to your creation, it does not disturb my ear to modulate with departure. Having said all that, I thank you for a wondrous experience. Forgive us if your talent bids us ask you to approach perfection. - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Hi eclipse, I love your images of pouring 'the night into two jars' and 'our intelligent sleeping ghost' waking to the mother's song. These have such a rich mythical resonance. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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