Occupy My Thoughts

[JoelJosol]

---------------- Revision 2 ----------------------------

 

Words fell away too soon like monsoon rain, my thoughts dropping like ink

blots on paper. There is no basin to catch their flow.

 

The dynamics were as simple as shifting the weight of one’s butt in a chair.

It’s the air but it’s not about fair share. Is it economics?

 

Can a poem like a dog chase its own tail, as they say, about LPAs and ITCZ,

until it spins fast enough to cause a whirlwind?

 

There is no structure left visible, only fractures and remnants from dispersals.

Pieces have their own randomness like words without season or reason.

 

 

 

---------------- Revision 1 -----------------------------

Words fell away too soon like monsoon rain, like ink blots on dry paper. My thoughts, like water, searched for a basin, its collection point.

 

The dynamics were as simple as shift of the weight of one’s butt in a chair. It’s the air but it appeared like a fair here or there. But economics?

 

Winds flowed from high pressure area to low, but no, it does not matter if we were the 77 or 88 or 99 by weight or other measure.

 

Thoughts, like nature, abided by its randomness, but some words have no season or reason.

 

 

* Aside from GL's feedback, I thought that the first version was wordy and the ideas were loose. So, now having more time to take a look at it again. I decided to cut the words, the looseness, and apply GL's feedback.

 

 

 

----------------- Original ----------------------------

At 2pm, words fall away so soon like monsoon rain ending the dryness of the paper waiting for ink or water to sink in some canals like thoughts in search of basin to claim as territory. Not my occupation.

 

The dynamics are simple as shift of the weight of one’s butt in a chair. It’s the air. Nothing is fair here or there. The differential is a natural process – from high to low. But economics is an exemption?

 

Winds flow from high pressure area to low, but no, numbers don’t have inherent strengths, whether we are 77 or 88 or 99 per cent. Thoughts like nature will abide by its randomness until the next season.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

excellent joel. good to see you around. much enjoyed. yes nature is as random as we are unique.

 

victor

[goldenlangur]

Hi JoelJosol,

 

I agree with victor this is an excellent write.

 

I particularly like this detail:

 

Thoughts like nature will abide by its randomness ...

 

A few small points:

 

Here I wondered if rather than so soon whether too soon might work better:

words fall away so soon like monsoon rain

 

This line seems a little unanchored:

Nothing is fair here or there.

 

Nature certainly has seasons but not human thought. I wondered if this detail is necessary:

 

until the next season

 

These minor nits do not take away the power of your poem. Please feel free to ignore my suggestions if you're happy with your work as it stands.

 

Good to read your work again.

[JoelJosol]

I re-visited this poem, applying the feedback from GL, and reducing the wordiness and looseness of sentence construction.

[Tinker]

Hi Joel, This is a little different form for you but it still has your gift of rhythm. I think you made good choices in your revision changing what I viewed as poetic prose into prose poetry. Love that last line.

 

~~Tink

[JoelJosol]

Thanks for the feedback, Tink.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

joel, i like both versions personally. you have a soft side to your poetry amigo.

 

i like words. they are my friends. one is for fighting the other is for pun. of cpurse i change the military thing about men having two guns lol. ok maybe the military has too much time on their hands lol.

 

victor

[Benjamin]

Hello Joel,I prefer the revised version of this, it has a languid feel about it. I particularly liked that phrase, "but some words have no season or reason". Benjamin.

[JoelJosol]

I have revisited the poem one more time trying to strike the balance between recognizable content and fragmenting the ideas.

 

Larsen, thanks for the feedback.

Benjamin, I decided to follow-through with my revision.

 

Sometimes, a poem remains an unfinished work :-)

[David W. Parsley]

Hey there, JJ, I think this poem is definitely hardening into a nice piece. It is gratifying to see someone who values craftsmanship, willing to work a piece that is worth the trouble.

 

I should point out that most readers will not know what lPA and ITCZ stand for, though they came up readily enough when googled in tandem. As a person who used to develop earth observing satellites for climatoligists and meteorologists, it is significant that I did not myself know what this meant. It may just be a regional thing - thought you should know.

 

Having said that, I would like to ask who your audience is, and what are you trying to communicate? By losing the reference to "the 99" you have tightened the poem's progression and diction, but may have lost your original topic link and demographic.

 

For the record, I believe there are forces non-random at work in the growing wealth gap and disappearance of the middle class. Those engaging in the Occupy movement may not be able to articulate their dissatisfactions in actionable terms, but they know a raw deal when they see one. And the folks they are entrenching against are indeed among the "right people," whatever the Gingriches of the world want to tell us. The bankers took the one-sided risks when they redefined grade A debt and structured those obtuse financial instruements, then sold them to customers while betting against them. These risks are one-sided because of the way regulations are stated and enforced, and by their strategic gaps. So structured they place all upside with the bet-creating agency; down-side leaves them in the clear, with everyone else to pick up the tab and them free to keep the beat going with record salaries and bonuses. And they have the well-placed lawmaker in their collective pocket. No, the occupiers have picked the right target, in my opinion. They just don't know what they should be insisting upon. As one of the Haves (though not the 1%), I am ashamed of these brokers of power and wealth, alarmed by their succeeding agenda.

 

Now look what you have done. I wanted to stay in my closet. Besides, this a forum for Art, not politicizing.

 

- Dave

[JoelJosol]

Thanks for the acknowledgment, Dave. Indeed, the economic system is greed-driven. This reminds me of a biblical verse that says times will come that are difficult and that's because people will only love themselves and their money.