Benjamin Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 tonight I watch dark hills turn silver in the twilight wraiths of shadow soldiers march through mist vanishing completely euphoria-- lightness I can close my eyes without wondering if I'll be alive to open them in the morning the sun will rise the hills return guns will be silent a new dawn Original text tonight I watch dark hills turn silver in the twilight wraiths of shadow soldiers march on mist vanishing completely I feel euphoria a sense of lightness realise I can close my eyes without wondering if I'll be alive to open them in the morning the sun will rise the hills return guns will be silent each dawn a new dawn cast Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 Hi Benjamin, I like this poem and the pathos it evokes. There is no 'CA' accompanying, but I would like to suggest two things: first two lines of second stanza might come through even cleaner if only the two last words were used, contained on a common line, and eliminating line 3; I realized it is deliberate, but the use of "dawn" in each of the last two lines did not work well for me. A haunted piece. Nice. Merry Christmas, Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 Enjoyed- haunting and yet simple in its directness- The best kind of poetry;-) DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted December 27, 2011 Author Share Posted December 27, 2011 My thanks for your welcome suggestions Dave. Looking at this again I can see the valid points you made and have edited it further. This idea appealed to me, although I confess, I didn't afford it the usual scrutiny that would have accompanied a set form poem. Best wishes for the season and a happy new year. B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted December 27, 2011 Author Share Posted December 27, 2011 DC&J Your comments are appreciated. Best wishes for the season and a happy new year. B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 Hello, Benjamin. This poem gives hope. :) I found it very positive, and I liked the development you did with it. Thank you for sharing. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 My thanks Aleksandra your comments help to make it worthwhile. Benjamin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 deceptively simple-excellent work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 The theme and so many of the words remind me of Hemingways's novel of the Spanish civil war, For Whom the Bell Tolls, especially the last stanza. Truth of war always touches the heart and fractures the soul. Franklin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Hi Benjamin, The imagery in your opening stanza is spare and yet powerful. This in particular makes an impact: shadow soldiers march through mist It seems the poet too ermges from the 'mists' of terror and fear to a new beginning: the sun will rise the hills return guns will be silent a new dawn I wondered if you need 'cast' at the close of the poem. Would a caesura marker in the penultimate line work? guns will be silent - a new dawn A very minor point for you to ignore or consider. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 Thanks to eclipse and Franklin for your responses: goldenlangur, your feedback is welcome and I shall consider it carefully.Thankyou. “In war, truth is the first casualty” (Aeschylus 525-456 BC). “Peace, an elusive blob of mercury under the finger of mankind”. Benjamin (2012) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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