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peace


Benjamin
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tonight I watch dark hills

turn silver in the twilight

wraiths

of shadow soldiers

march through mist

vanishing completely

 

euphoria-- lightness

I can close my eyes

without wondering

if I'll be alive

to open them in the morning

 

the sun will rise

the hills return

guns will be silent

a new dawn

 

 

Original text

tonight I watch dark hills

turn silver in the twilight

wraiths

of shadow soldiers

march on mist

vanishing completely

I feel euphoria

a sense of lightness

realise

I can close my eyes

without wondering

if I'll be alive

to open them in the morning

the sun will rise

the hills return

guns will be silent

each dawn

a new dawn cast

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David W. Parsley

Hi Benjamin, I like this poem and the pathos it evokes. There is no 'CA' accompanying, but I would like to suggest two things: first two lines of second stanza might come through even cleaner if only the two last words were used, contained on a common line, and eliminating line 3; I realized it is deliberate, but the use of "dawn" in each of the last two lines did not work well for me.

 

A haunted piece. Nice.

 

Merry Christmas,

Dave

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Enjoyed- haunting and yet simple in its directness- The best kind of poetry;-) DC&J

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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My thanks for your welcome suggestions Dave. Looking at this again I can see the valid points you made and have edited it further. This idea appealed to me, although I confess, I didn't afford it the usual scrutiny that would have accompanied a set form poem.

Best wishes for the season and a happy new year. :smile: B.

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Hello, Benjamin. This poem gives hope. :) I found it very positive, and I liked the development you did with it.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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The theme and so many of the words remind me of Hemingways's novel of the Spanish civil war, For Whom the Bell Tolls, especially the last stanza. Truth of war always touches the heart and fractures the soul.

Franklin

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Hi Benjamin,

 

The imagery in your opening stanza is spare and yet powerful. This in particular makes an impact:

 

shadow soldiers

march through mist

 

It seems the poet too ermges from the 'mists' of terror and fear to a new beginning:

the sun will rise

the hills return

guns will be silent

a new dawn

 

I wondered if you need 'cast' at the close of the poem. Would a caesura marker in the penultimate line work?

 

guns will be silent -

a new dawn

 

 

A very minor point for you to ignore or consider.

 

Thank you.

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Thanks to eclipse and Franklin for your responses:

goldenlangur, your feedback is welcome and I shall consider it carefully.Thankyou.

 

“In war, truth is the first casualty” (Aeschylus 525-456 BC).

“Peace, an elusive blob of mercury under the finger of mankind”. :smile: Benjamin (2012)

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