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eclipse
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I hold the hand of my

sleepwalking wife-In a dream

I give her flowers I can

no longer offer in life.

The scent lingers for

eternity-she will not

scatter the ashes on

the anniversary of my

death but lights a

number of candles-I stand

over a candle the flames

reveal my heart-I see the

fires in the eyes of my

wife go out as the tears

start.

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I like how the poem meanders from a dream state (I hold the hand of my/sleepwalking wife) to a more concrete experience; it's tears that put out the "fires". In a dream/I give her flowers I can/no longer offer in life is especially thought provoking. By this point the reader is already hooked.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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This is well written poem, that attracts the reader. The sensetivity has its own power. So this poem together with its sensitivity is well captured moment. Thank you for sharing it.

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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David W. Parsley

A lovely and well-crafted poem on the goodbye that every couple must say, eclipse. I enjoy the reflexive relationship, the sense of mutual loss, while striving to preserve and experience the bond that defined and seemingly justified each other's existence. It illustrates the need of the living to keep what tangibly remains; the need of the dead (more of your ghosts :-) to persist, to still offer tokened affection however fleeting and insubstantial. These tokens are brought even though they apparently proffer an uncertain comfort - that of knowing the lover remembers beyond the threshold of life, that the union transcends mortality. But they also sustain the mourning, recurrently crushing the spark that remains with she who survives. Perpetuation of the haunting reveals an inevitably selfish aspect of the otherwise heroic fidelity.

 

In contrast to other examples we have talked about here, the repeated words in this work bring the power of a time-honored device, refrain: candles and flames effectively tense the poem with what is still alive in each of the protagonists, the repetitions timed like a ragged heartbeat; the word "my" recurs end-line to accentuate the sense of personal need. Effective masking of what might otherwise be considered trite rhyme couples (life-wife, heart-start) brings a tranquilating subtlety appropriate to the piece, while preserving musicality.

 

Nice Work,

- Dave

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi eclipse, This is so very sad. You walk us through this tender moment between life and death, dream-state and consciousness well. I think your piece is very effective in touching your reader. You have many rave reviews and they are justified.

 

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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the last line was particularly picturesque and perfect , and the poem as a whole had a strong emotional tone to it ..... i got swept away in the feelings that you desired from the reader. a well penned piece my friend

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  • 4 weeks later...
Larsen M. Callirhoe

i agree with all said statements listed above. this is your best or my favorite of yours to date in my opinion. my hats off to ya for superb writing. you capture the go between fragile life of "sleeping to waking," to "life to death, " to "reality to sad" and mingle it all together or a tragic albeit remarkable love sentiment..

 

victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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