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eclipse
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or a thousand dreams within a dream

a distant figure has recorded my rapid

eye movements as he walks across a

stream-God has recorded the same

as I carry a child who already has a name.

I am being stitched into the tapestry of

history in my hands I hold an x-ray of

a child that apparently does not exist-

the fiction of history persists God has

unclenched his fist and offered his palm-

my womb became as clear as the waters of

a dream- the sun and moon seemed so near

as we observed them together-I saw preserved

in nature cures and panaceas for mortality

and diseases for the short time Was allowed

the status of a seer-A stone angel in the

garden spoke with my son-I woke from a

dreamless sleep-they spoke the language

of dreams-a tongue I couldn't comprehend.

I watched rapid eye movements of the angel

of stone send messages to God.

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This part struck me:

 

... a distant figure has recorded my rapid

eye movements as he walks across a

stream-God has recorded the same ...

 

It reinforces the notion that God knows what's in every man's heart. And these lines evince His mercy:

 

... God has

unclenched his fist and offered his palm ...

 

This part is especially lovely:

 

... the sun and moon seemed so near

as we observed them together ...

 

I enjoyed this poem a lot, Eclipse. That's my perception of it, and I'm sticking to it!

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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David W. Parsley

hi eclipse,

 

I really enjoy these grand themed creations and I consider this one of the best in the series. It is an impressive attempt to get inside the blended blessing and burden of madonnahood, with ready extension to any who will submit to the call of Deity or other force of destiny. I will attempt no further explication than yours since I find it definitive in its way, except to note the nicely conceived connection to a prior work, "streams." I will also confess particular admiration for:

 

"...a child who already has a name.

I am being stitched into the tapestry..."

 

These lines and others impart a sense of destiny constraining choice that is palpable and true.

 

But I will say that there is a key repetition here that I found disturbing to the poem, rather than effectively refraining: REM. I would prefer that either the Madonna herself or the stone angel use this communication method, the other imitate through an appropriate poetic explication. As the human who actually does sleep and dream, I would suggest this belong to the speaker; then accord the imitating act to what Alexander Pope and his contemporaries referred to as the "machinery", in this case an angel of stone. I like the use of "son", instead of a third insertion of "child". Can the first or second "child" also be replaced with something more startling? Same complaint for the two "history"s. (All these comments are against a poem I like a lot!)

 

FInally: Sorry if this sounds ungrateful for your unique style and approach to our joyfully shared art, but could I request a reconsideration of your titling "policy"? My most influential teacher, the poet, J.A. Christensen, used to tell his students, "If you are not willing to devote time to a good title, then you have robbed your reader and yourself of an important part of the composing experience." Obviously I have taken this instruction to heart, perhaps not always to benefit. Just thought it was worth sharing.

 

Bravo!

- David

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