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Visited in the Night


JoelJosol
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---- Revised ------

What was I thinking, Lord, allowing a woman who is not my wife to kiss me in my lips, in my bed, in my dreams, letting her press her weight against me, and while in lip-lock, breathe lines of poetry into me until I am breathless, forcing myself to wake up and gasp for air?

 

What shoud I think, Lord, now I am awake, back with a woman, on my bed, my wife, who I made love to this evening around ten o' clock, where we kissed until we sucked the breath out from each of us, until we parted, each one panted, gasped for air?

 

Now, here I am with pen in hand, writing down lines on paper a woman once breathed into me, I spilling lines like semen across its breadth, the memory of the interaction ringing like frantic bells in my ears. Did I sin or break my vow?

 

 

------ Original -------

What am I thinking, Lord, allowing a woman who is not my wife to kiss me in my lips, in my bed, in my dreams, letting her press her weight against me, and while in lip-lock, breathe lines of poetry into me until I am breathless, forcing myself to wake up and gasp for air?

 

What shoud I think, Lord, now I am awake back with a woman, on my bed, my wife who I made love to this evening around ten o' clock, where we kiss until we suck the breath out from each of us, until we parted, each panting, gasping for air?

 

What will I think, Lord, after rising from bed, and hear I am with pen in hand, writing down lines on paper a woman once breathed into me, I spilling lines like semen across its breadth, the memory of the interaction ringing like frantic bells in my ears? Did I sin or break my vow?

 

 

**** Thanks Larsen for bringing this up. I finally found time to revise it using Tony's corrections.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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I like the conversational style, and how you address God.

Did I sin or break my vow?

I'm afraid so, Joel. icon_twisted.gif But the good thing is you can always write poems about it! icon_razz.gif A couple of minor things in the last section --

What will I think, Lord, after rising from bed, and
hear
I am with pen in hand, writing down lines on paper a woman once breathed into me,
I
spilling lines like semen across its breadth, the memory of the interaction ringing like frantic bells in my ears? Did I sin or break my vow?

Hear should be here. Perhaps the last parts of the piece could be reworked to read something like this (in bold):

What am I thinking, Lord, allowing a woman who is not my wife to kiss me in my lips, in my bed, in my dreams, letting her press her weight against me, and while in lip-lock, breathe lines of poetry into me until I am breathless, forcing myself to wake up and gasp for air?

 

What should I think, Lord, now that I am awake on my bed with a woman, my wife, who I made love to this evening around ten o' clock, where we
kissed
until we
sucked
the breath out from each of us, until we parted, each panting, gasping for air?
What will I think after rising from bed?

 

And here I am, Lord, with pen in hand, writing down lines a woman once breathed into me, spilling them like semen across the paper, while memories of the interaction ring like frantic bells in my ears. Did I sin or break my vow?

Please disregard these suggestions if you don't like them. I like that you produced a prose poem. I have yet to try one myself.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Hi JoelJosol,

 

How wonderful that you've written a Prose Poem! Tony has posted some great pointers for you to consider. I just want to say that I've enjoyed the liminal sense you convey in your title and writing - an almost trance-like experience and the bitter sweet reckoning that comes when passion and imagination recede and reality rerurns in the cold light of realization.

 

An underlying sense of guilt pervades this writing.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Thank you, guys, for the feedback. I will come back once time permits a more thorough consideration of your feedback.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

wow joel im breathless. this is something different from you and i like it. i would read tony's suggestions though you don't have to heed to them. i like your analogy in this poem. sexual content used here is excellently thought out and written,

 

larsen aka vic

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Aleksandra

Ah I like it this one too. What a ( non )pleasant happening Joel icon_biggrin.png

But sin or no, you ( we ) can't control visiting at nights icon_smile.gif in our dreams ...

 

So very good write, good points Tony gave. So thanks Joel for wonderful prose piece

 

Waits for more

 

ALeksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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  • 2 years later...
Larsen M. Callirhoe

joel reading old stuff and i enjoyed this prose piee by you, hope all is well. despite your demi-urge that manigested on you,

 

 

victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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David W. Parsley

Begs the old questions, eh? Succubus or muse, what has seized upon my intimacies and drawn me forth to speak? Does the time and investment of passion in this pursuit rob my loved ones (wife, God, others), or enrich what I share with them? Do I even have a choice?

 

Fascinating treatment. Perhaps even a guilty pleasure.

 

- Dave

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