A wreath

[goldenlangur]

In the deepening fog

the sound of oars of the last boat

carries my thoughts across the shores.

 

 

In the backwash of the waves

and the swish of the reeds

I feel you’ve answered me.

 

 

So I leave this ivory and ruby

wreath of jasmine and hibiscus

under the canopy of the Bo tree

for you.

 

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[Tinker]

on Sun Jan 20, 2008

 

 

Hi GL, You ever surprise me with the acuteness of your observation. You have the ability to translate the simplest sound or sight into a tinkling chime of sparkling jewels.

 

I love this poem although I do wonder a little about the choice of ending the poem with the 2 words "for you". They almost seem to have been tacked on at the end as an afterthought. Did you consider including the words earlier. . . like:

 

So for you, I leave this ivory and ruby

 

It is just an idea, another perspective. A way to show more importance to the person to whom the gift is given than the gift itself.

 

However you say it, this poem is a true gift to anyone who reads it. Thank you for yet another pleasurable read.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

Golden,

 

There is a calmness that pervades this poem. It is heightened in the second strophe, where you say,

I feel you’ve answered me

... not the decisive "You have answered me," but "I feel you've answered me." Some conflict has been resolved; some pressure has been released, leaving only a profound sense of peace. I feel like I have found this wreath.

 

Tony

[goldenlangur]

Hi Tink,

 

 

Thank-you very much for giving this piece such a close reading. I can see what you mean about the last line coming across almost as an afterthought. But the implication that the gift may seem more important than the person intrigues me.

 

The intention is the relationship with the "you" is steeped in uncertainty and reverence and a straightforward addressing as "So for you" would mean ( in my eyes and ears - perhaps wrongly) as almost forcing the "you" to accept it. Whereas the "for you" at the end was intended to say if you so wish to accept it.

 

But you have given me food for thought and such exchanges like this help one to learn and grow in one's writing.

 

I appreciate your honesty very much.

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[goldenlangur]

_{"pressure released"}

 

Hi Tony,

 

 

Thank-you very much for your perceptive reading here:

 

not the decisive "You have answered me," but "I feel you've answered me."

Tony

 

 

Definitely a lot of uncertainly and searching and need to resolve, but whether it is or not, is what the reader tunes into and for this, I'm very grateful where ever, it is taken.

 

 

goldenlangur

[Tinker]

Hi golden langur, You make a good point, it is the uncertainty that is at the heart of the poem. And in that light, my suggestion is off.

 

 

The last line still nags at me though. I wonder, if you simply removed the "for you" altogether. The "So I leave...." is saying that because you think possibly you have been answered, you are leaving the wreath (for you) without the words. (let them be assumed or understood, if the person is listening) :shock:

 

I don' t know, I am almost sorry I started this. I should have left your beautiful poem as you wrote it and just told you how much I enjoyed reading it. :oops:

 

~~Tink

[goldenlangur]

_{uncertainty and open ended}

 

Hi again Tink,

 

 

Thank-you for taking the trouble to get back with more thoughts here. I don't think your suggestion or reading is 'off" but being of quite a different slant from mine.

 

 

Perhaps leaving out the last line would indeed open up the poem!

 

 

Yet another point to consider for a rewrite and I do appreciate the time and thought you've given so generously.

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[Aleksandra]

Golden this is lovely poem. You chose wonderful title and I like it how you use " Wreath " in this poem. I loved the ending part. It sounds so natural and metaphorical. Wonderful expressed.

 

So I leave this ivory and ruby

wreath of jasmine and hibiscus

under the canopy of the Bo tree

for you.

 

well done

 

Aleksandra

[goldenlangur]

Hi Aleksandra,

 

 

Many thanks for a thoughtful reading of this poem. I'm so glad that you picked up the lines about the Bo tree, under which the Buddha is said to have been enlightened.

 

 

With appreciation,

 

 

goldenlangur

[JoelJosol]

Details and tone - that made this poem stand out GL. I agree with Tinker, if you drop the last line, it heightens the uncertainty in the poem another level.

[goldenlangur]

Thank-you JoelJoso for your close observations of this piece.

 

I'm glad that you enjoyed the details and tone here.

 

I appreciate and take note of your suggestion and will give this thought for a rewrite.

 

 

goldenlangur

[waxwings]

All previous comments accepted and/or notwithstanding, the last line really makes it. I found no desire to know who "you" is. That is no one elses business, because you the poet and your emotions come through quite clearly. Sorry about being too busy to get to and enjoy this poem sooner.

Edited July 26, 2010 by waxwings